Preconceptions of Sexuality - My Opinion
I remember a time not so long ago where I had a solid belief in how the world worked. A time when I could say various statements and have absolute conviction that what I was saying was truth, was fact. It was easy to feel that way because on so many topics if I said certain things out loud, I was confident Iâd be surrounded by people nodding and declaring âof courseâ. Everyone knows those things. Everything in my universe supported it.
Men wanted sex more than women. Remembering it was all that boys thought of and talked about in school. Knowing it was our husbands poking us awake in the morning when all we wanted was a little more sleep before we had to get moving.
Men cheat. Expect it, donât be surprised by it. Hope yours doesnât. Sure some women do but they all resemble someone on Jerry Springer. People who do it are wrong, are bad people, are evil.
Unusual sex things happen but not here. Itâs something that goes on in big towns, in places far away. No one we know would ever do this or that. We are all normal.
Well itâs easy to think that way when no one around you is saying any different. When everything you see supports what you believe. When your actions fit the norm. What I found is that when your own actions start to deviate from the norm, your beliefs and how you see the world soon follow. These days I find myself feeling almost obligated to speak up when I hear someone saying something I used to believe, someone buying into something âeveryone knowsâ. There are certain topics that I find myself having the same conversation with a wide variety of people.
Topic 1 - Men Cheat, Women Dont
Often I run into men with this belief. Who am I to disagree since I used to believe the same thing. That it was more natural for men to do it and more unusual for a woman too. That it happened more because men simply didnât try hard enough not to.
These days when I find someone with that thinking I ask a few questions. Usually Iâll start with what % of men/women they believe cheat. The % range all over but often they would say 80-90% of men and 10-20% of women. They believed men would do it simply because they were horny, were bored in their relationship, etc. They also believe a woman needed to be extremely unhappy to do it. They thought it was more natural for men to do it and that women simply didnât crave sex as much as men.
After having that discussion Iâd ask, ok, now if men/women could be guaranteed that no one would ever find out and nothing bad would come from it, would the % change. For the men often it would shoot up to 90-100% and the women would jump to 60-80%. Iâd point out that these men had just said that women donât cheat because they arenât interested in sex that much. Suddenly, more than half of us are cheating. If we didnât have the desire before, why did we suddenly have it now.
Some would go into denial, some would realize the hypocrisy of their own minds. Part of them knew it wasnât a lack of desire. It was more a concern with consequences. We were simply less reckless than the men.
In my experience, reality is far from everything discussed above. I believe cheating has less to do with ones sex but more to do with lifestyle and situation. It is easy to say youâd never cheat if youâve never been in a situation where you needed to choose. Something that surprised me after becoming active is how many people had experiences with coworkers. Long before the internet and dating sites appeared, people, men and women, attached and single were sleeping with others they met through work. People who are more active and outgoing will have more opportunities. Will be approached more, will have more situations where it could come up. If your life is simply staying at home 24/7 donât puff out your chest when youâd judge another and say youâd never. If you have hobbies and activities and travel for work and are exposed to a lot of diffrent people maybe you say no the first time or the 100th time or maybe one time the right person comes along when you are in the right mood and it happens and you donât say no.
Topic 2 - Iâm so frustrated my wife has no sex drive, I wish she was more like you
My instant knee jerk unthinking response to this is âmaybe she isâ. I canât count the number of times itâs resulted in a completely confused blank stare. I point out that most who know me are clueless of what I do and would never Imagine Iâve done half of what I have done. I simply point out maybe sheâs just as active and they donât know. Now the men I consider a lost cause are the ones who stomp their foot and declare no sheâd never. Itâs like they are insulted by the thought she could be doing what they themselves are doing. The ones I respect are the ones who pause and say, I donât think she is but anything is possible. An open mind is simply accepting that something is possible.
Another thing that goes along with this is a man thinking he could never tell a partner or lover what he is really interested in. That any woman would freak out and run to the hills if he told her. That he holds back out of fear of being judged and punished. I point out I donât know their partner and only they really can predict how she will react but they need to be honest with themselves and see if itâs more about their fear. I like to ask, if she was to look at your browsing history, sure some topics might upset her, but would she be truly surprised you were there. Would she freak out or would she sigh and say âpfft, menâ. I think a lot of things men think about, sure we might prefer they didnât but would we really be shocked to learn of those thoughts exist.
Another common thread to this seems to be menâs forgetfulness. I find it funny when they say she would never do this or that. Then we talk about things heâs tried and sure enough she has done this or that, just not in a while. It was something she used to do but doesnât anymore. I say maybe she wonât anymore or maybe she just wonât with you. Up to them to find out why. But they shouldnât say sheâd never when she has.
Many men Iâd never have met if sex in their lives hadnât disappeared. Some assume their partners sex drive has gone poof and for some it has. Most though, itâs simply life getting in the way. I couldnât help but pry and give suggestions to some. Itâs funny how taking some of the load off of their partners plate makes them less tired. How being attentive makes them feel appreciated. How getting involved in their partners interests gets their partners interested in them. Many who complain, if they spent a fraction of their time complaining and turned into action, would have nothing to complain about.
Topic 3 - What is normal, sexually
Something I suggest to everyone is the next time you are in a large gathering of friends, afterwards, make a list of everyone there. Then start to list the things they have done sexually. When did they lose their virginity, how many partners have they had. Who enjoys oral, anal, 3 somes, moresomes, bdsm, etc. Be thorough and go through Everyone there. Put the list off to the side, come back to it in a few days, read it, then ask yourself why you thought what you did. Why did you think this about this person and that about that person.
Most I find tend to judge on looks, how they act, very small things theyâve said, rumours and gossip and their own interactions with the people. The best experience I had with this was a man close to my age who was all gun ho to do it. The next time we met he was much more reserved about it. He said he was sitting there at the party and his mind was fantasizing about his friends and their wives and all kinds of situations. When he got home and started writing though he realized ... he had no idea at all. Sure heâd had some nice fantasy time but he realized he had no clues about the details of any of their sex lives. It wasnât something anyone in his group talked about. Then he started to realize that every one of them could be once a week missionary. Or everyone could be into extreme bdsm. The simple truth was that all these people he knew so well could all be doing anything and there was no way to know.
So if he couldnât predict what those closest to him were into sexually, why did he have such confidence in that most people had tried this, only some people did that, and that this was more rare and only a few would ever do that. There was no real reason to have confidence in what was normal and what was abnormal.
Men wanted sex more than women. Remembering it was all that boys thought of and talked about in school. Knowing it was our husbands poking us awake in the morning when all we wanted was a little more sleep before we had to get moving.
Men cheat. Expect it, donât be surprised by it. Hope yours doesnât. Sure some women do but they all resemble someone on Jerry Springer. People who do it are wrong, are bad people, are evil.
Unusual sex things happen but not here. Itâs something that goes on in big towns, in places far away. No one we know would ever do this or that. We are all normal.
Well itâs easy to think that way when no one around you is saying any different. When everything you see supports what you believe. When your actions fit the norm. What I found is that when your own actions start to deviate from the norm, your beliefs and how you see the world soon follow. These days I find myself feeling almost obligated to speak up when I hear someone saying something I used to believe, someone buying into something âeveryone knowsâ. There are certain topics that I find myself having the same conversation with a wide variety of people.
Topic 1 - Men Cheat, Women Dont
Often I run into men with this belief. Who am I to disagree since I used to believe the same thing. That it was more natural for men to do it and more unusual for a woman too. That it happened more because men simply didnât try hard enough not to.
These days when I find someone with that thinking I ask a few questions. Usually Iâll start with what % of men/women they believe cheat. The % range all over but often they would say 80-90% of men and 10-20% of women. They believed men would do it simply because they were horny, were bored in their relationship, etc. They also believe a woman needed to be extremely unhappy to do it. They thought it was more natural for men to do it and that women simply didnât crave sex as much as men.
After having that discussion Iâd ask, ok, now if men/women could be guaranteed that no one would ever find out and nothing bad would come from it, would the % change. For the men often it would shoot up to 90-100% and the women would jump to 60-80%. Iâd point out that these men had just said that women donât cheat because they arenât interested in sex that much. Suddenly, more than half of us are cheating. If we didnât have the desire before, why did we suddenly have it now.
Some would go into denial, some would realize the hypocrisy of their own minds. Part of them knew it wasnât a lack of desire. It was more a concern with consequences. We were simply less reckless than the men.
In my experience, reality is far from everything discussed above. I believe cheating has less to do with ones sex but more to do with lifestyle and situation. It is easy to say youâd never cheat if youâve never been in a situation where you needed to choose. Something that surprised me after becoming active is how many people had experiences with coworkers. Long before the internet and dating sites appeared, people, men and women, attached and single were sleeping with others they met through work. People who are more active and outgoing will have more opportunities. Will be approached more, will have more situations where it could come up. If your life is simply staying at home 24/7 donât puff out your chest when youâd judge another and say youâd never. If you have hobbies and activities and travel for work and are exposed to a lot of diffrent people maybe you say no the first time or the 100th time or maybe one time the right person comes along when you are in the right mood and it happens and you donât say no.
Topic 2 - Iâm so frustrated my wife has no sex drive, I wish she was more like you
My instant knee jerk unthinking response to this is âmaybe she isâ. I canât count the number of times itâs resulted in a completely confused blank stare. I point out that most who know me are clueless of what I do and would never Imagine Iâve done half of what I have done. I simply point out maybe sheâs just as active and they donât know. Now the men I consider a lost cause are the ones who stomp their foot and declare no sheâd never. Itâs like they are insulted by the thought she could be doing what they themselves are doing. The ones I respect are the ones who pause and say, I donât think she is but anything is possible. An open mind is simply accepting that something is possible.
Another thing that goes along with this is a man thinking he could never tell a partner or lover what he is really interested in. That any woman would freak out and run to the hills if he told her. That he holds back out of fear of being judged and punished. I point out I donât know their partner and only they really can predict how she will react but they need to be honest with themselves and see if itâs more about their fear. I like to ask, if she was to look at your browsing history, sure some topics might upset her, but would she be truly surprised you were there. Would she freak out or would she sigh and say âpfft, menâ. I think a lot of things men think about, sure we might prefer they didnât but would we really be shocked to learn of those thoughts exist.
Another common thread to this seems to be menâs forgetfulness. I find it funny when they say she would never do this or that. Then we talk about things heâs tried and sure enough she has done this or that, just not in a while. It was something she used to do but doesnât anymore. I say maybe she wonât anymore or maybe she just wonât with you. Up to them to find out why. But they shouldnât say sheâd never when she has.
Many men Iâd never have met if sex in their lives hadnât disappeared. Some assume their partners sex drive has gone poof and for some it has. Most though, itâs simply life getting in the way. I couldnât help but pry and give suggestions to some. Itâs funny how taking some of the load off of their partners plate makes them less tired. How being attentive makes them feel appreciated. How getting involved in their partners interests gets their partners interested in them. Many who complain, if they spent a fraction of their time complaining and turned into action, would have nothing to complain about.
Topic 3 - What is normal, sexually
Something I suggest to everyone is the next time you are in a large gathering of friends, afterwards, make a list of everyone there. Then start to list the things they have done sexually. When did they lose their virginity, how many partners have they had. Who enjoys oral, anal, 3 somes, moresomes, bdsm, etc. Be thorough and go through Everyone there. Put the list off to the side, come back to it in a few days, read it, then ask yourself why you thought what you did. Why did you think this about this person and that about that person.
Most I find tend to judge on looks, how they act, very small things theyâve said, rumours and gossip and their own interactions with the people. The best experience I had with this was a man close to my age who was all gun ho to do it. The next time we met he was much more reserved about it. He said he was sitting there at the party and his mind was fantasizing about his friends and their wives and all kinds of situations. When he got home and started writing though he realized ... he had no idea at all. Sure heâd had some nice fantasy time but he realized he had no clues about the details of any of their sex lives. It wasnât something anyone in his group talked about. Then he started to realize that every one of them could be once a week missionary. Or everyone could be into extreme bdsm. The simple truth was that all these people he knew so well could all be doing anything and there was no way to know.
So if he couldnât predict what those closest to him were into sexually, why did he have such confidence in that most people had tried this, only some people did that, and that this was more rare and only a few would ever do that. There was no real reason to have confidence in what was normal and what was abnormal.
6 years ago
