Last ramble brainstorm vomit

I swear I just had an 'oh how i love god' moment. This whole night has been an exercise in battling sleep deprivation. With no medicine sleep can't happen. I have gone a bit loopy. I hate this situation. I didn't plan to write an epic long blog before I posted the letter to dave. The damn mania makes my grammar wretched. I am rebellious and not writing on word. It is an act of mediocre defiance. When you go a bit crazy you do strange things. I forced myself to read that last blog. It was so amateur. I can do better. I saw so many flaws. I wanted to take it down. I have trouble reading. My periods looked to small. My capital letters seemed little. It was vomit from my troubled mind. I swear a good comment could earn head if my new friends were local. I don't know him yet. It was the timing. The blog had been posted less than five minutes. My memory is gone but he told me each sentence was unexpected. He used the imagery of a tornado. He told me 'i kind of liked it.' These blogs are not written to be enjoyed. His instant enthusiasm means I would suck his cock if he were here.

My battle is hilarious. It does remind me of writing on mushrooms. I am so scared of what I have to do. I could've done it already. I have to call my shrink. I have to sweetly ask if they got more samples of my medicine. I've been warned the answer will probably be 'no we sure don't.' I will panic. Then I will beg for anything. He has some anti-psychotic in his cabinet. I've dabbled with them. They don't work. Then I have to drive when it feels like I'm tripping. i drive so slow and carefully. I seem ninety. I am scared of the phone call. It could take him hours to call back. Waiting will make me lose it real bad. sleep deprivation is kind of a wicked rush. I feel like I smoked six blunts or some fweed. We did whippets in the house of syn. Going insane feels kind of like falling into a nitrous moment when time stands still. I am thirsty. I will call the damn shrink when I can still sound sane.

That was awful and miraculous. His secretary said 'i think i have one box left, let me check.' I made a cup of coffee. I am fucked up. I couldn't pick out a cup. I put six equal in it. I drank it scolding hot. I listened to jazz praying for one last box. sleep deprivation makes you so desperate. You latch onto seven more nights to sleep. Another box of sleep is priceless. After this long awake I start to itch. I can't quit scratching behind my knees. Going insane gives me psychosomatic itching so bad it's kind of funny. Sometimes I lose it. My ears are the worst. I can be writing epic erotica while clawing on my ears. I know I will crash hard. I need to enjoy this flood of planning. I will be a zombie for some time. I have to put my plan on paper. My plot formulates when I am a tornado of rapid thoughts. One man kind of liked my tirade of brainstorming. These blogs developing a plan are critical. It is shitty work. I am explaining a transition. It doesn't matter if I write like I'm tripping. This is laying a foundation in forty eight hours. My letter begins in a downhearted speech about depression. sleep deprivation has made me so manic I feel like a tornado.

it has been the hardest day for me. i really wanted my best friend jaime to come over last night but she didn't feel well. it was a very long night that flew by with good conversations online. but i needed interaction. i tried to warn her it would be the last night i was at peace. i dont know why i woke up so tired. i was a zombie. she was on her way and i wanted to tell her to go home that i couldn't wake up. i know the days when no amount of medicine can wake me. It explains my weekly absence from work and school. I wake up knowing my brain won't start. It is a horrible feeling. You would kill someone to stay in bed. I hated that she had to see me this way. I took a weeks worth of stimulant to be coherent. I can't comprehend taking this much medicine and still being sleepy. I have been miserable trying to stay coherent. Yet i got shit done.

i bought flashdrives and she showed me how to put images on them. i would love to say it will be easy for me and ill do it right now. i cant go through the monotony. i can barely write you a coherent thought. When i go to see my mentor i will have a drive of pictures of me and artwork he has to recreate from a photo. I know he will do a lot of editing for me free of charge. i will use his judgement to determine which pictures are sexy enough for a collage. when you get to my page you will see i had jaime add my twelve collages to my profile. sure it doesn't belong on a porn site. I am something different. Now men who want to leave a stupid comment are forced to scroll past my art. they must view my work for access to me.

I have many plans. My friend brent told me to use kickstarter. He said some dudes earned sixty grand for potato salad. I don't know if you know much about the site. I think it may be perfect for me. Jaime knew a lot about it. You know my art is good. I haven't made any final decisions what my goal or story will be. You know with my ability to write I can sell myself and my mission. i know how to portray myself as a bi-polar artist and writer fighting for disability. the trick is picking out a reasonable goal. it will take time. I want to do this right.


We only looked at one artist. His work was six versions of crap. His goal was 685 dollars he only needed 135 to meet his goal. He had thirty days to go. He was only selling 8x10 replicas. I will stand out in shocking ways. I have eleven options on canvass. i gave jaime one. I may spend a hundred bucks to have it reprinted. You know I am a perfectionist and it is important to me to launch with a canvass of each piece in the collection. i will keep it easy. I have to learn more about the site. the most important thing I will offer is a 20x24inch replica on paper for 25 dollars. I don't know how many to offer in paper. Limits must be set. You know I like to keep it unlimited. i will have my newer work or pictures of me signed as a bonus if i go past my goal.

I also have around 20 sexy limited edition shirts to put in my campaign. I am thinking outloud as i type this message. Each shirt has five or so made in various sizes. I don't know how much to set each shirt for. i will take a picture and add it to my wall so you can see it. I don't know if i will have greater success with prints or fashion. That is my dilemma. When I had the shirts made I was proud of my decision. They were out of small and i think i have ten medium. I want to offer five limited edition shirts in the sizes small, medium, large, extra large and XXL. For 25 shirts it ran me two hundred something. You must order that many to make them cheap.

I know each shirt cost me seven dollars to print. They are high quality on nicely shaped blouses. Not some cheapo standard man shirt. They are high end boutique quality. You know I would not print my art on a shitty shirt with bad resolution. The thing i am unsure of his whether to set my goal on starting a fashion line, just selling prints or both. i know that i will stick with my original marketing agenda. Tell me if you think this is a bad idea. i have a favorite quote. It is dear to my heart. I cut it out of a fashion magazine ten years ago.

"Her stomach, untrammeled by girdles or sheaths, popped forward in a full woman's belly, inelegant as hell, an avowal of a womb fairly salivating in seed - that belly which was never to have a c***d - and her breasts popped buds and burgeons of flesh over many a questing sweating moviegoer's face. She was a cornucopia. She excited dreams of honey for the horn."

it's about marilyn monroe. I decided to name my business 'inelegant as hell.' When I launch the campaign I want a link with marilyn monroe. No one has used the quote or the name. when you google 'inelegant as hell' my outdated wordpress pops up before a full version of the quote. It shall soon be an updated wordpress. I learned one thing at staples. My mentor was right about using pictures of myself. Jaime whipped out her atm card and said 'consider this your first kickstarter donation. the cute boy behind the counter said 'you have a kickstarter?' I looked sexy in my long red wig and my tight low cut tank top. The way he was looking at me made me blush. I said 'I'll have one soon. I'm an artist. He said 'that's really cool.' His eyes said I want to lick your pussy because your a hot. You are an artsy chick that has ambition. I felt like a hot piece of ass walking out of staples.

I am still not used to this being pretty gimmick. I know a lot of my recent encounters involve men fixated on my really long whore red hair. I told jaime what really matters is i could show him pics of my art and be so proud of what I've created. I knew with certainty my vintage themed pieces would shock him. I do hope the pics on my profile force people to examine them. Jaime was stunned how they seem to flow as one piece. I do hope the person that gave me directions how to add pics reads this blog. I want to kiss, hug and fuck that sweet user who walked me through the process. I am computer illiterate. I made jaime scroll through twenty pages of comments to find those instructions.

I had it on her list of tasks to complete. She has seen my page. We both giggled in glee when that first collage posted. We talked a long time about building up a cult following. She is ambitious. She was with me when I hit mania and pumped out those twelve pieces. I like making art for people I know. With a good friend it is easy. I sit them down and force them to pick out what they like. The collage that has indians and the phrase 'frigidity is meaningless' was made for her. She has native american ancestry.

dear baby, i started writing you and turned it into a blog. that happens to me a lot. I start writing to one person and realize I want the whole message to get out as much as possible. I need your feedback. But I also want feedback from dan, bri and my teddybear. I have a koala bear that is dear to my heart. Reb and ash patiently wait for me to skype chat. I also have sweet ronald and my rebel. I want you all to hear about my business plan and tell me what thoughts you have. I feel less tired because I am enthusiastic. I am screwed tonight with no medicine. Being crazy is so strange. I am so tired. I know with all my heart I will lie there thinking all night. With no medicine I could run twenty five miles and not hit a rem cycle. No amount of physical exhaustion can turn off my brain.

I know I could eat all the xanax and not pass out. Rather than try i prefer my mom has xanax. Without it she is scary. Not having sleeping medicine fucks with me. Only my uncle understood. He taught me how to survive. It is easier to stay awake and do something than to lay down and think all night. I can't remember the last time I didn't have a sleep aid. For so long xanax, ambian and tylenol pm put me to sleep. When i was poor i survived on a five dollar bottle of generic tylenol pm. I fucked myself up bad. One of the major things i want to do is worn other bi-polar people about tylenol pm or nyquil. I will repeat this mantra many times. The sleeping agent is diphenhydramine. It does not cause organ damage. It is a safe d**g. It is an economic situation. Unisom is tylenol pm without the tylenol. It costs around fifteen bucks a box. I started with two pills a night. I escalated to ten pills.

Fat Laura was my best friend. I was dating her younger brother. He has his own story. Yes I am that hot 25 year old chick that moves into your house and takes your eighteen year old son's virginity. It was even more twisted. At my tiny church I played with fat laura and dorky johnny. He used to wear a bow tie. We played older woman seducing teen virgin games. We actually made the perfect couple. I dressed him right. I cut his hair right. I turned the dork into a hottie. They both freaked out watching me take that much tylenol pm. I swear to god it was an actual intervention.

I was a lot like I feel now. It was all like a bad trip. I got of pills for a short time. Insomnia was so bad i went back to pills. I have one box of sleep possible. I need jaime's help to do anything on a computer. I hate research. I need advice. It reminds me of ebay. It's a gambling issue. People love the thrill of finding out if a chick like me makes her goal and they get something. It is an act of charity. Boys like the cashier at staples look for a cause to support. People want friends. I know I have a shot. I can hand them a blog. I wrote the story of being really ugly. I don't have a camera. No one will photograph me nude. A part of my campaign is that the money will allow me to buy a nice digital camera for my good friend to photograph me nude. I want people who give a donation to know I want to be an artist with bold nude images. I can't wait for jaime to make those pictures. i have the pics on this site to work with. i have a time set with my mentor. He makes the call which three photos I sell of myself.

It's a huge risk. I think one of the pics will be the one showing my belly. I want to fit my quote. I may photoshop it to make it art. When I explain my campaign it will be all about becoming a cutting edge female artist. I want elaborate nude photos. I want to focus my writing on erotic literature based on real life. I want to sell prints, canvas, and clothing. I need capital to print and buy equipment. One man wished me luck becoming a world famous titty queen. If will market 'inelegant as hell' as a girl trying to live until a disability check is received. I am bi-polar crazy. People can relate. A good blog about an artist who embraces the vintage ambition of bettie page to be nude is interesting. Nudity is a part of my work. A blog is a part of my work. I need thoughts on how high to set my first goal. I will do it fast and hard. I won't sell 8x10's my work is large. I want to get into fashion.

If you asked me what my dream is for 'inelegant as hell' it is simple. First I earn around five grand and launch shirts and prints all over the place. If you want to know my ideal outcome it is simple. I went to rent a manufacturing studio in my historic downtown. I want to print out collages on fabric. I want seamstresses with precision. Each collage is a fabric design. I need muppets to pack and ship my merchandise. I will sell t-shirts. My fun begins with seamstresses and fabric. I will only use vintage clothing patterns. I want to pump out really high end pencil skirts and cocktail dresses. If you look at my first twelve collages you understand they can be printed and turn into super retro clothing. I want to dress in thigh highs, wear an intricate cocktail dress and heels. Inelegant as hell is a crazy chick out to stun the world with bold patterns and short skirts. I want to dress like a character I created. I want to write while I let other people handle my business. I want to scribble an autograph all day while I drink champagne. It starts with a blog. It starts as soon as I get the help I need from my mentor and jaime. I won't be thinking in a delusional sleep deprived fashion. My campaign will not be brainstorming. It will be good writing.

I have to get as much info out to a few close friends. I could spend weeks writing my story. It must be concise and honest. I must edit out unnecessary information. I must include enough knowledge people want to know more. i ended up pretty sexy. It's my attitude. This is a porn site. I have to hit kickstarter with a killer blog from people shopping to support a cause. I don't expect much support here. My customer got sick of blowing cash on ebay. He loves sexy women. He is the baby boomer. He loves to gamble. It's the thrill of watching me creep closer to my goal so he can get my art. He can access my diary daily. If he wants to know any secret a sexy nude artist is thinking he will find it. It is a free door into my world. Getting people to access that blog is essential. I can't ramble each night. It has to be entertainment. It has to be guaranteed like six equal for coffee. In so many ways he has to be a muppet and love it. He wants to help making some chick who used to be busted a world famous titty queen. Getting that first donation contributes to seeing me nude in every way. Inelegant as hell is about sex.