To dave, wild horses

My dearest dave, we have chatted all night and now you understand the way i speak. You are right. I am loyal. There is nothing I wouldn't do for the people I love. I am the girl who jumps in front of bullets before considering the consequences. My whole life has revolved around being good and helping people. Yet I am no saint. I have a temper. I make rash decisions. I call them my two second moments. In two seconds I can make a radical change that alters everything. Sometimes that kind of quick thinking is needed. However, most of my two second decisions are a mistake. It's fifty-fifty.

We have discussed the word cunt. My brutal honesty can not be changed. What I said to you was worse than being a bitch. I acted like an irate cunt. I have made worse mistakes. Cutting you out of my life because of a computer glitch would've been possibly the stupidest thing I've ever done. You mean the world to me. I know in some ways my life horrifies you. Yet you love me. You protect me. You feed me. You respect me. You forgive me. You know me better than anyone else. You understand I get sexual with other men and you allow it. You can't know how much that freedom means to me.

I can not handle control and male authority figures. It is a problem. You know much of my life story and understand why male authority, manipulation and control break me. I wish I was normal. However, something tells me if I wasn't so damn fiesty and uncontrollable you wouldn't love me the way you do. I will tell you who I am in a story that should be a blog. In fact I may post this response as it's on blog because it is so important to me.

For a short time in my life I had a family. I have an older female cousin named apryl. She was the daughter of my millionaire uncle and money ruined her. All the women in my family are shockingly beautiful. Apryl looked so much like jacqueline kennedy it would freak you out. Except she was tall and thin. She went to the most exclusive private high school in texas. To tell you how special she was is hard for me to handle. Her school performed grease. She got the role of sandy. Her rival and competition was the lead singer of the dixie chicks. As a side note according to her the group was started after embezzling money from her school.

She won the crown in a pageant and became Mrs. Teen Texas. Do you even understand how many women in texas fight to be beauty queens? She might have one the crown for Mrs. America but she got pregnant before the pageant. Her father was furious because she was supposed to go to harvard. He made her marry the man who got her pregnant. His name is Joe and I hate him just as much as my brother.

He resented his daughter so bad her name is jessica hawthorne instead of her father's name. Everything I am doing in life is for that girl. Apryl got pregnant again and had her son joey. He was so sweet. Now he is a monster like his father. Apryl got pregnant again and had sarah. I will never have c***dren. I had three of them. I was so used to having sarah on my hip it is surreal. Men went fucking insane when I walked into the tractor supply store with that pretty baby on my hip.

I had never known apryl until they all moved back to plant city. She never had to work because her dad paid for everything. He bought a mansion and bought his daughter the house next door. One of my favorite stories about apryl is the fact she used to crawl through the doggy door and sneak in her dad’s wine cellar. My uncle was an alcoholic. He spent more money on wine than you could ever imagine. He had to have the best. There was probably at least a million dollars worth of wine in the cellar at any time.

He told me she would go in there and drink the equivalent of a land rover in one night. I was in college and I needed a job. The timing was perfect. It was the happiest time in my life. My uncle was such a sought after financial consultant a huge firm had locations in New York, LA, Tokyo and little old plant city Florida. It was like sitcom.

We had two offices in the historic part of town. As if we were just like other locations we had office products like a major firm. There was a stationary issue. We would get deliveries of corporate luxury paper and we had it everywhere. His daughter was his secretary and I was her assistant. We were a perfect match. My uncle decided to punish apryl. She was the nastiest woman on earth. She was a hoarder. She destroyed the house he bought her. So he bought the most valuable chunk of land on our family property.

He told her to get a fucking trailer. Nearly the first day I worked with her we went to the seediest used trailer place on earth. She picked out the cheapest option and we were both horrified. It had been destroyed by Mexicans. My uncle paid for a cleaning crew to make it habitable. Happiness for me was that godforsaken trailer.

My uncle got tired of buying her cars and she had this bronco that was legendary. As soon as she got the land she started collecting a****ls. She had so much trash, hay, food, mail and stationary in the bronco it had rats in it. If you have rats in your car you have a mental illness. The smell in the bronco was masked by a hoard of empty cheap air freshner. You still had to roll the windows down not to puke.

Anytime you opened the door trash fell out. People in our building laughed their asses off at the town millionaire’s daughter in a rat infested bronco. The trailer was so nasty. I got used. Every Saturday she gave me a hundred dollars to clean the trailer. I fixed all her problems. She didn’t raise her c***dren right. The whole family would eat something and throw the wrapper on the floor.

I hate apryl for being such a bad mother. A prime example is the fact all of her c***dren slept on a bare mattress with no sheets. They ate in their bed and slept with food spilled on a dirty mattress. Part of my weekly cleaning was making sure her bed had sheets but there were no sheets for her c***dren. There is no way to be dirtier than those people.

Without consulting anyone apryl bought a ford focus to replace the bronco. They had chickens, pigs, goats, cats and horses. My nemesis was her evil billy goat. You had to prepare to wrestle the goat anytime you went in her yard. It was massive and he would ram your ass if you didn’t grab him by the horns and beat him shitty. A normal family would’ve shot the malicious goat. Some a****ls need to die. If you watch a goat the size of a horse ram a three year old you get violent. I am guilty of beating the dog shit out of that goat.

He had his revenge. I had a nice car and the goat was obsessed with scratching his head on my side mirrors. If my car was in the yard the goat was making love to my mirrors. They both fell off and dangled and I got tickets. I was constantly duct taping my mirrors back on so they looked usable. I still don’t look in mirrors when I drive. After apryl’s goat I stopped using them completely.

My absolute favorite Apryl story is nearly hard to fathom. So quickly the focus was just as dirty as the bronco. She had a solution. I watched in horror as she broke open g****fruit and put them in the backseat. She opened both doors and the goat climbed in and ate all the trash. It was a brand new car and she depended on a goat to eat her mail and food garbage. It damn sure worked. It was a weekly ritual to let the goat eat the car clean. I told you my family was fucked up.

There is a point to this story. First let me tell you how cows ruined my Christmas. They went out of town and it was my job to feed the a****ls. My friend jen was with me. Only she can collaborate my story. The cows surrounded us and looked so desperate. I was so pissed off because they left me with no sweet feed. I can’t handle hungry a****ls. I used all my Christmas money to buy them food. You have never seen such happy creatures. Then I found out why. When they got home I bitched out joe for leaving me with no food and asked for my money back. He laughed at me. He told me they were supposed to eat grass and refused to reimburse me. I hate cows.

The point of this story is horses. She had two. I had never been around a horse. Nothing could break my heart more than being around them again. The brown horse had such issues. He liked to bite. His favorite thing was to run real fast and bite your ass so hard you cried. You could be petting him and all of a sudden he had your whole damn tit in his mouth. But he loved hands the most.

Falling in love with a****ls makes you do weird things. All the horse wanted was you to let him chew on your hand. It would go from gentle to mind numbing pain so fast. He couldn’t resist biting as hard as possible. I have never been so scared in my life the first time he clamped down on my hand with all his force. It’s fucked up but it’s what the horse wanted. You learned to let him bite your left hand only. When he clamped down you needed your right hand to punch him in the nose so goddamn hard he let go.

I learned to throw a punch because of my brother. The horse taught me to hit harder. You had to go for it. Sometimes it took more than one blow but you had to fuck that horse up to get your hand out of his mouth. In time I got good at it. Better than a few punches I learned to block his breathing. You had to hit and cut off his air supply to show him love. I guess I’m a lot like that horse.

But I am more like the other horse. It hurts me to talk about her. She was bought for beauty. She was silver and the most beautiful a****l I’ve ever seen. She must have been abused because you could not touch her. You could see sheer terror in her eyes if you came near her. No decent person would put that horse through the trauma of touch. She was a completely wild a****l. She could not handle being in the barn.

The land was magical. Part of the beauty was a field of wild blackberries. I have never seen anything like it but there were all natural springs of water coming out of the ground. It was strange because it wasn’t like a swamp. It was like delicate water fountains bubbling just enough. I never did it but seeing it gave me this incredible urge to drink water out of the ground. You just knew it would taste like berries and purity.

The beauty was that the silver horse never stopped running. It was all she did. Happiness to me was standing next to the springs watching my horse run like she was being chased. Nothing could be more beautiful than a wild horse running as fast as the wind. I did have a family and a place to call home. I was a mother.

Apryl had a d**g problem. I don’t know where she got the pills. It was fine at first. Her brother is schizophrenic and I don’t know what kind of stimulant he had but jesus fucking Christ it’s good. Whatever he takes makes my narcolepsy medicine seem like a mountain dew. That wasn’t the issue. She was getting pain killers from somewhere. She would give me a pill to bribe me to do shit. My uncle left the firm and she got a job in a hospital. Somehow that gave her access to pills.

She was already a shitty mother but suddenly she wouldn’t leave the bed. I had a good job I loved at a sandwich shop and I was in school. Someone had to take care of the k**s. I quit my job and took over. I watched them after school. I got up every morning to get them on the bus. That was the problem. She quit bathing, dressing and feeding her k**s. Instead of going to school she laid in bed and told them to lie to their father that they went to school.

I had a dilemma. She needed to be reported to c***d protective services. She didn’t have the money to pay me to clean. She stopped doing laundry. There was no soap or toilet paper. The c***dren didn’t comb their hair or brush their teeth. She quit giving them a bedtime and let them stay up all night watching R rated movies.

You can’t expose a five year old girl to that much sex and v******e. Something was going on. Sarah suddenly wouldn’t wear clothes and one day she pretty much started grinding on me. I have never not liked a c***d but this little girl was a monster. She started kindergarten and it was a disaster. Of course I helped the older k**s with homework. Not sarah. She refused to bring home her book bag. I couldn’t figure it out. She left it by the road at the bus stop because she was lazy and spoiled.

I used to work at an elementary school in the after school program. I was in charge of the kindergarteners. I know what a c***d that age should be learning and doing. I bought teaching books. If the little bitch wouldn’t do school work I was prepared with plenty of work for her to do. Suddenly she really didn’t like me.

There was another issue. Joe couldn’t handle me raising his c***dren. Everyone says he fixated on me sexually. When I used bleach I was always in one of his raggedy old shirts so I didn’t mess up my clothes. The only clean thing in her house was their bed. Apryl told me from day one I could always nap in her bed when I was waiting for the k**s to come home. There was an issue that I wore his shirts, slept in his bed, cleaned his house, cared for his c***dren, bought his groceries, cooked his dinner and more.

I hated that cocksucker for the way he treated Jessica. I have never seen a c***d more verbally abused and unloved. He always told her what a mistake she was that ruined his life. He also didn’t like me because I smoked pot. One day I went to pick up my money with a black boy in my car. He went insane that I brought a nigger on his property. It was a big deal.

Of course I never smoked pot there. It was used medicinally on my own time. Apryl had a pill problem and the school was investigating her. She had to act fast. I was thinking of reporting her. I think her mother did report her. Joe got mad and sent a golf ball through the girl’s bedroom. Their bed was covered in glass and I freaked out. I wasn’t allowed to clean it he wanted his ten year old daughter to do it. He was just torturing her. He liked the idea of her sleeping on glass.

Talking to Apryl was useless. She was too high. One day later I showed up to watch the k**s. Joe met me in the yard. The whole issue had something to do with money. He owed me two hundred dollars and he didn’t have it. He told me the neighbors told him I was always late to watch the k**s. My life was those c***dren. I was always at least an hour early. The neighbors didn’t communicate with him. He needed some lie. I demanded my money and he refused. He told me I was abusive, a d**g addict and a nigger fucker. He wouldn’t have me around his family.

If that happened to me today I swear to god I would tear his ass up with words and beat him down. He broke my heart. I was in agony over losing my family. I got in the car and it was hilarious. I do stupid shit. It occurred to me I could run him over. Instead I rammed my car into a concrete flower pot and destroyed my bumper.

They had to act fast and leave the county. I’m sure they fired me because one of them lost their job and they could watch the k**s. They moved to tampa in the ghetto and those k**s went to the shittiest schools in florida. It’s no joke that really bad shit happens to people that hurt me. Joe couldn’t get work. He got a construction job in Afghanistan. It was supposed to be his last day. His fellow workers beat him basically to death and left his body in the desert. A sheep herder stumbled on him barely alive. I know he only survived to feel pain.

He has a massive steel plate in his head. So many bones were broken he was in a full body cast. He is disabled and even more abusive due to a brain injury. My uncle talked about it. It was a part of his depression. Apryl became a nurse and got her shit together. They always lived in filth without me. My uncle couldn’t handle seeing his grandc***dren anymore. Jessica is a survivor. Joey dropped out of high school. My uncle couldn’t stand him. He said with no education he was dumber than dirt. I don’t know if sarah is a decent person. My uncle didn’t like her.

We both only cared about Jessica. She is a hawthorne. She got a full scholarship to a great school. That was the good thing about my uncle’s suicide. I got to see my c***dren all grown up. Over a decade passed. The first time I saw them was at ‘the viewing.’ When you blow your head off with a shot-gun you gather in front of a casket. We kept it a private situation. I think I was more heartbroken than apryl. I hugged her and she consoled me. It was strange.

One thing that does make me smile is the fact apryl did not age. We have good genes. She is still a beautiful woman. My uncle’s best friend is the town’s artist in residence. He adores me. He painted a portrait of apryl that his hilarious. She looks old and haggard. He couldn’t capture her beauty. He painted her soul. She is an ugly human being. I thought we could reunite. I called her and she was so cold that she is dead to me.

My uncle’s wife threw a party the night of the viewing. It was a huge event. It actually made the town gossip column. He should’ve waited until he divorced her. My uncle was a millionaire before he didn’t predict the recession. All his wife wanted was access to his safe. That was the huge mystery. How much money did he have left? He had no money in the bank.

The safe contained nothing but exactly enough cash for a crime scene clean-up. Apryl did not honor her father. My mom freaked me out. I’ve told this story before. She refused to go to the funeral. She couldn’t do it. I went alone. It was a horrific graveside service. Jesus Christ I come from poverty but my dad had a proper funeral in a funeral home. Hardly anyone came.

Yet at least twenty very wealthy influential men flew into town just to speak at his funeral. Men who came from nothing bawled like babies because my uncle saw something in them and made them rich. Joe, his son and sarah refused to speak to anyone. I held Jessica and you could feel the love. She is not as beautiful as her mother. She is way too thin. I bet money she inherited a wicked dose of anorexia.

I cracked the fuck up. Her boyfriend is a young hottie. Time stood still for me. If he was smart I would date someone his age that looked like him. However, after meeting dave I like older men. I did spend some time with twenty somethings. They don’t fascinate me as much as a man with maturity.

I have searched for Jessica on facebook and I can’t find her. I don’t know if she took her father’s name. My mom is going to put the deed for the house in my name. My brother’s c***dren are dead to me. As far as I’m concerned I do not have a niece or nephew. I want Jessica to know she will inherit this house and everything in it. I don’t know what the future holds. I haven’t tried to sell my art or write a book. I’m still training.

My uncle’s artist friend tells me I have a huge shot. He told me to quit writing and start painting. He hasn’t read my writing. He doesn’t know what he is asking me to quit. I do both things with equal passion. I had a family. I learned what I needed. Sometimes creatures like pain. If something is biting one hand you punch with the other one.

I got attacked by a troll who told me I was the most boring profile on xhamster. He said I had lesbian tendencies. I hate men. I need to talk to my dolls. I don’t get along with women. I love men way too much. He was right about the dolls. My brother was a sadist who mutilated my dolls. Every barbie I had was bald, sliced with knives or missing legs. It fucked with my head. I love flea markets. I collect anything vintage. Most of all I collect vintage dolls that are mutilated.

If I had a camera I would take a picture of my creepy doll collection. It’s not massive. It’s not intimidating. It’s fascinating. They are all very old and usually damaged. It looks totally like it belongs in a magazine on how to decorate. It has charm, character and creativity. Yes, I have dolls. I don’t play with them. I have real friends. Before I go to sleep I will curl up in my bed and talk to dave. I am in love with him. I am a wild horse he can’t touch. I must run. I bite. I can’t stand being confined. Other men still matter to me. I am not for riding. I am not for petting. I am here to drink from a spring and simply run all day.

Apryl sold the horses. No one wants a horse that bites or one you can’t touch. Despite his charm and her beauty I guarantee they got turned into glue or dog food. I loathe her for that. My uncle bought the family land and went broke. No one inherits it. It belongs to the bank like all the other parts of town he owned. Apryl has a job. She didn’t buy her father a tombstone.

We lived in poverty and he allowed his daughter to drink land rovers. He gave us five hundred dollars when we had nothing. That is unforgivable. Yet even though we are dead broke my mother spent exactly five hundred dollars to buy him the cheapest tombstone possible. We repay our debts. We are good women.

I believe in karma. I’ve tried to be a good person. One of my biggest regrets in life is not using my money to buy those c***dren sheets. I regret that with all my heart. I could’ve gone without food to give those c***dren something better than a dirty mattress. No one should go through life never having the luxury of clean linen. I wouldn’t change much in my past. I could’ve fixed that issue and I failed.

I am hard on myself. I was raised to be a good woman. When I don’t live up to my standards you’re damn right I deserve to be called a cunt. I guarantee I bought pot, fast food, clothes and more with money that should’ve bought sheets, toilet paper and tooth paste. I shouldn’t have let Jessica live like that. I know she won’t be expecting to inherit everything I own. It’s the only way I can apologize for not helping her.

I do want to make a fucking fortune. There is nothing in life I want to buy. I want a dozen pink roses placed on my aunt’s grave every week. Anything else I earn will be put away for Jessica. She will have a family and I want her to have no financial concerns. We inherited the things that make us great yet disabled. Our genes mean we do not have normal brains. My uncle taught me to use this illness instead of wasting it. I can’t teach Jessica that lesson. I can bust my ass to make her a bloody fortune. I did have a family. I do bite and expect pain. Most of all I don’t want to be touched and I just want to run for no reason.