Status update

I'm about to crash hard. I hit a manic state and focused on writing. That mean's i missed all pm's and skype messages. if im playing on skype i ignore xhamster. If im playing on xhamster i ignore skype. When I'm in the mood to write I drop everything and do it. Today I spent most of the afternoon posting my last blog on facebook. I don't get feedback there. I wrote such long post people ignored anything I wrote. I can kill time or I can steal it. I made a few decisions. If I get a blog comment I will guarantee a man or woman a response even if it's as simple as thank you. Since I have a hard time keeping things simple I'll hit you back with a reaction to what you post. I'm going to try and reply to every comment someone puts on my page. i won't bother with people who just say thanks for the add. Just know every time i read it i think to myself thanks for the invite. by focusing on a reply to comments I feel like I'm engaging good men when they engage me. I get hit with a lot of pm's usually I can tackle a lot of them. When I'm focused on writing then I loose track of time. it took me hours to end my reign of terror on facebook. I'm so glad I found a better place to blog where I can tell naughty stories and write erotica. I want to make this very sexual. But I want to make it real. I will juggle both aspect knowing personal issues will get little to no feedback compared to erotica. I will always warn if a post isn't sexual. I don't want men who are looking for erotica to feel like I wasted their time. It will be clear whether it's sexual or just me using this forum as a place to vent about life. what I do is selfish. This is my new playground. I make posts so I can remember them. That's why it's not all erotica. Since I dropped facebook I have to use this site as the place I do discuss daily events or concerns. But a comment has to get a reply for me to feel good about engaging the men that do read my blog. And if your lucky for c2c this is not a good time. I'm on my period. It's hard work getting men off when my pussy is a no go zone. I don't have a period every month. When my body does have one it can last a freakishly long time. since my cam is malfunctioning and I'm bleeding it's not likely I'll do c2c. I have to much fun writing and I go in waves when All I want to do is cam or all I want to do is write and answer messages. but comments come first. if a person takes the time to leave one than I take the time to write back. goodnight I may sleep a long time. I may be up at midnight. I have no clue.

Published by linmarris

10 years ago

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linmarris Publisher 10 years ago

I have to go to the beginning of my blog and respond to any missed comments. Women will all bleed at once. It is intriguing. I have such little male contact just visiting with a nonsexual male friend can make me bleed. Every woman is different but you do not have to tread lightly with me.

pervert4life 10 years ago

Finding a place where people would listen is hard. In my daily life I speak to people and sometimes they see pass through me, and change the subject all of a sudden, or simply not reply to my comment. It makes you feel invisible and useless. Though we have to press on, to see who is actually willing to listen.

leuko 10 years ago

I know what it's like to hit highs and lows with manic states. Writing helps me a lot too. Reading through your blogs it really bums me out that people just spam inboxes without consideration for who they're messaging and how they feel. You're a beautiful person and I think you're very strong to be so self aware.

linmarris Publisher 10 years ago

to fulltimeflirt : Dear dave, I am so grateful for your support. I hope you stick with me. I just explained to my friend reb how it may seem strange but this site is the perfect forum for me to get damn good feedback. I have tried wordpress, tumblr and facebook. I had followers but no feedback. I do need a network of support. I explained to my friend that more people than I ever dream feel super self-conscious about writing a public comment. They reach out to me in PM's. It breaks my heart I get slammed with so many that I miss those messages. My blog does something to people on this site. We are all open minded individuals with a few little secrets. By writing a 'tell-all' blog people find ways to correlate my story with their experiences. They contact me through PM almost like a catholic going to confession. I wish I could listen to each story. So many men are looking for an honest girl to listen to their problems. I was made to be that girl. I had a couple touch my heart when I happened to catch a pm they left me yesterday. It was a wife writing for her husband to thank me for sharing my story. He wanted me to know he learned things about his own life through reading my blog. It touched my heart. I wrote back that is what I dream of achieving. If a person can read my story and see their flaws or strengths then I'm serving a purpose. I just don't know how much of an impact I'm making because the response in private is too much and the public response is too rare.

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linmarris Publisher 10 years ago

to rebz10 : Reb this is certainly the place for me to post all the sexual stuff. However, trust me I have written the real blogs on many sites. I got no response on facebook, I got followers on wordpress and no feedback. No one found my tumblr. So I have tried other forums. This is the only one that has given me damn good feedback. I know some of it is from men chasing cam time. Some of it is from really good men who praise me for my real blogs more than my erotica. A lot of men don't leave comments and private message me with approval. I wish they would leave a comment because you know I can never possibly answer PM's. However, my blog does something strange. It makes people confess things to me in private that they are not able to post in a comment. More people are trying to reach out to me about personal issues that correlate with mine than I ever dreamed. Men can relate to me and they want to confess shit to me almost like I'm a priest. They see me bearing all my burdens in public and they feel I am trustworthy of their secrets. It may seem strange but this site is perfect for anything I write. I ask for comments just to learn new names and faces. I want to get to know the people who get to know me.

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rebz10 10 years ago

I think this is the right place for you to post all the erotica/horny stuff.

fulltimeflirt 10 years ago

I am here my friend and I am always willing to listen

linmarris Publisher 10 years ago

Dear michael, you can always call me linda or erin. both names are very real to me. they both have a story and as long as you use one of my first three names I am happy. My real name is easy to figure out. there are many clues. One is so obvious it scares me. I tried to remove it and I failed. But I do not live in fear. If I do get stalked whoever does it will be shocked at how well a small girl like me can fight back. I can never overemphasize my own talent at fighting. My older brother was very abusive. I have been fighting a long time. I keep my burgler alarm on at all times. I have warned one man I have a gun and showing up at my door uninvited means I aim for the heart and head. Even if a man is holding roses at my door invading my address is a guaranteed way to get shot. If I like a man that tries it he may get lucky and only get shot in both legs. But I do have to be careful about my name and my address. Im sorry you had a mild heart attack. I hope you take it easy and look for signs and symptoms of it happening again. I hope it doesn't. I'm a sexual creature. I do enjoy cam sex. You should embrace it if you haven't tried it. However, once I make a friend I do not offer the service. It may seem irrational but I reserve my sexuality for mostly strangers. I do live broadcasts here on xhamster. I've only done it three times. I enjoy performing for strangers I can't see. I may up being a cam girl. If I do it I will use chatterbate. That's where the money is. I get a lot of praise for performing here on xhamster where paying me with tokens is not an option. It lets men know I am the real deal. I perform for pleasure and my own sexual desires not for money. My orgasms are real and epic. I do get off working a room full of men. I try to do it when my mom isn't home so she can't hear me and I can be loud. She doesn't leave the house often. Right now live shows are not an option because I'm on my period. Period blood is highly prohibited. I do not bleed every month. Instead it could be once every three or six months. The downside is I could truly bleed for one month or longer. It happened to me when I first started xhamster. A lot of men thought i was lying it lasted so long. So I'm on a break from cam sex all together. When I do a live show again I will let you know if I'm able when, where and how to watch me if you choose. I must go now. I have an erotic message to respond to and I'm very excited to do it.

linmarris Publisher 10 years ago

finding a friend that will send me stories is a delightful treasure. I needed a good dose of sexuality tonight. After a fugue state of mania there is always a state of depression to work through. The adderall is the only reason I'm out of bed. I still feel so sleepy I can barely stay awake. I'm debating whether to take another pill so I can have a real day or just saying fuck it and going to bed. I really wanted to write tonight. Being this tired I think it is impossible. I simply can't focus. I would love to meet you if we were local. I know our bond is based on more than sexuality. It is nice to find a person who also has manic states of intense writing and communication. That is how I operate. I know I will run out of medicine soon and lose contact with so many new men that would truly adore me if I was reliable. But I'm only available when I have a stimulant and it's never enough to combat these states of depression when sleep is my only craving. So please forgive my weak response. I will snap out of it and have at least one more round of hard mania before the medicine runs out and I disappear for awhile. In many ways it is like being two separate people. Very few people can tolerate it. That is why I am socially isolated. But I work through it and do my best.

linmarris Publisher 10 years ago

usually i let the mania just flow and enjoy it. sometimes it is dangerous when mania hits and so does depression. my shrink had to explain that was possible. a lot of people think you are one or the other. Im dangerous when i have a manic episode mixed with depression. it rarely happens. im hilarious when it does. i do some seriously funny rants in that state usually in a state where i itch all over and i have the compulsive urge to get naked and run. ive never actually done it. but i cant stand clothing when im manic and depressed. I also itch all over. I have xanax on hand to take me down if i need it. i don't take it daily. i save it for times when i have to go down quick and hard. i have a tolerance. it truly cant put me to sleep. when i take it depending on my state i need four, six, or ten bars. no one believes me that ten bars won't make me sleep. a few people do because they have seen me eat that much and still be worked up and totally coherent. Since I just cycled out of mania tonight after an unknown amount of deep sleep I'm seriously depressed. It's not my mood that is depressed. I'm in a happy place. I can just barely stay awake. I've taken a shitload of adderall hoping to snap out of it. The biorhythms of my brain overpower the stimulant. I feel super sedated and my writing is impaired. It was worth it to have a fugue state of hard euphoric mania. I did a lot of good writing. I didn't post it here. It was my final farewell to facebook. I worked long and hard to end that chapter of my life. It was good writing. I had more than one friend confirm they never gave me feedback because the site shows people what your friends like and comment on. My blog is too graphic for damn near one soul to be brave enough to do anything but send me a private message. I'm happy to move off that forum to a place where no one is afraid to give feedback. It's made me so happy. I thought my writing was flawed because no one was willing to like or comment on my shit. It was because the system is flawed and they feared family members finding out about me. I was clear in letting them know they could find me set up an empty profile and continue reading my work. I have shitty friends. No one is going to do it. It's their loss. One of my close male friends would but seeing me nude and reading my erotica is off-limits because he has a girl friend. I'm totally isolated from people I know in the real world. I get very lonely. I need human contact. xhamster gives me social interaction which I thrive on. I hate tacking pm's because it's usually just request to do c2c for a stranger. I love c2c but i want to bond with a man before i reward him with sexuality. most men on this site move on to another girl who doesn't have any hesitation in just providing a sexual experience with no real communication. Even though this site is a much needed source of companionship it has a price. I must be sexual to get most men just to chat. On nights like this when I'm sleepy I can't play the game. I'm looking for men who want more than just a one time sexual experience with me. I rarely find that. What hurts the most are the men that engage me in 48 hours of intense communication which naturally escalates into sexuality. Those men drop me. I never get an explanation. They practically worship me. I fall in love. They bail time and time again. So this is a good place and a bad place. Rejection sucks. In a few days i will run out of adderall and be too sedated to keep up with correspondence. Men lose interest because I'm not available. Rarely do I have a two month long bond with any man. Thank god for mania. It allows me to keep going even though there is always a cycle of new faces and no one I can count on.

linmarris Publisher 10 years ago

to NewportLuvs : thank you my dear. have no fear I will always keep writing. i seem to be a bit tired tonight. I was hoping to write something off the charts sexual. but i may have to wait for another night. tonight i focused on going back to the beginning to respond to every comment on a blog that i received. it took a lot of time but it needed to be done

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linmarris Publisher 10 years ago

to fogway697 : thank you my dear. I do let it all out. If people realized how much better you feel after writing they would stop paying for a therapist and launch a blog

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fogway697 10 years ago

let it all out its good 4 u

NewportLuvs 10 years ago

Feel better! Keep writing, I'll keep reading.

hotrocker 10 years ago

I would like if you join me on skype anytime... I badly need some hugs