Trying to find my soulmate

I’m 43 years old lives in Jordan the Middle East, this is my first time I talk about my life in my country.
I always wanted to live freely with someone who will take care of me and treat me gently, I was suffering all the time and still suffer because I can’t tell people about my sexual identity and I can’t trust anyone here with that ! I don’t know what to do anymore! I always dreams of waking up with my love besides me both naked in bed without fears !! It’s been more than three years I haven’t not had sex in anyway even with myself! I always wished to have a dildo I usually use cucumber. I met somebody one day and he was so bad and he couldn’t stand more than 45 second ! I’m living in hell deep inside I don’t know what to do