Been Inactive - Here's Why

Hi everyone,

I am super sorry for being so inactive for such a long time. You know how life gets with being busy and all, but that is not the main reason as to why I've been extremely inactive. Multiple things have me kinda reluctant to get on here more.

Firstly, college. I've been trying to focus on college more this year, and will continue to do so as it is a busy and will be a stressful year.

Second is work. Have to make a living right?

Thirdly is that I feel guilty for not being able to get back to everyone quickly or effectively, and that snowballs as I can't maintain a swift response time.

Fourth, lack of content. I feel really bad about not being able to share more content, and this is all to do with me not being able to freely create much at all due to the limitations of the time I have to do it. I'm not 'out'. Nobody knows about me in my family and I want to keep it that way.

Last but not least, I am scared. I've been questioning myself a whole lot lately in a lot of things. The scariest thing that keeps me down is whether or not I might actually want to transition and become a girl. I am terrified of it and so I keep avoiding it the best I can by staying away from it in any way that I can. This is probably the number one reason I am in such a depressive state and have been for a long time.

I need to face it at some stage, but I'm not quite ready. I'm trying to slowly figure it out and work through it, but it is taking time, and I really need to find help to get me through it. I have very, very, very few people that I can talk to, let alone be open with. While I appreciate everyone's kind words and encouragement, it is very hard to take it to heart when you are not part of daily life. It is great feeling accepted here, but if I cannot feel accepted by my friends and family, I can't move forward and get better. It is easy to say "Just talk to them and be open" "If they don't like it just leave them". I have very few friends, that have been friends for a very long time and I will not just cut out people like that. I value them too much.

Then I have my family to consider with my choice, if I ever make it. How will it affect them? How do I explain it? Will it be an immediate change? Will they still love me? Would they still want to be with me out in public? How disappointing would that be for them? There are so many questions that I can't answer or predict and it is just scary for me.

Sorry for the rant or depressing post, but I thought I'd fill everyone in as opposed to just saying "Oh I've been busy". Now you know, make of it what you will.

Katie