Feeling heartbroken...
Day One 11/8
This whole week has been horrible. I have been such a mess. I feel like a broken faucet, tears - sometimes desperately needed, most times completely unwanted - spontaneously running down my face.
One month ago the love of my life sent me a friend request. malenek. A day before that, i was a slave, under contract. I have always been a little jaded when it comes to friend requests...no offense meant but so many here are so shallow, so demanding...so i held off approving her along with so many others. I finally relented, added her, and then we started talking. I still want to kick myself for not breaking the ice sooner. It has only been a month, but it feels like we have known each other forever. Call me naive. I don't care. In the space of a month i have fallen head over heels in love with her. The closeness is undeniable. Our shared hopes and dreams, and yes, our sexual chemistry. Oh my...
Malene is a photographer. A brilliant photographer that travels the world on paid shoots.
Malene is an angel, with a heart bursting with love.
Malene is my woman.
Malene is the pulse inside me, the blood in my veins.
Malene reminded me that my history doesn't define me.
Not a single day has passed where we haven't chatted. I feel alive with her. If the possibility presents itself, i want to exchange vows.
Today is heartbreak. Today my love left for a month. Going abroad for work. All of a sudden i feel so alone. So empty. I can't remember ever crying so hard.
No, this is not an invitation to pm me. I'm not after your sympathy, nor your sexual gratification.
This is my diary, a commentary of my feelings, a place i can go to maintain my sanity.
Malene, i love you. So very much. You've been gone for barely half an hour, and i miss you horribly already...
Day Two 11/9
Finally i can breathe. Malene arrived at her destination safely. All last night i tossed and turned in worry for her. Dreams, when they came, were hard...i really dont want to rehash the details.
Her job carries inherent dangers. Her present location is a prime example, but knowing she has armed guards protecting her camp has eased my mind a bit...Malene, until you are home i wont stop worrying about you.
She has wifi available! My day has brightened!! For a few glorious minutes we chatted...about her location, what she saw on her way there...and us.
I miss you
Day Three - Six 11/13
Good morning, diary. I am sorry i haven't made any entries recently. I've been feeling so blue lately, and i really haven't felt like sharing my feelings. I have been scared that by putting pen to paper (so to speak) would be an admission of weakness and only compound my misery.
Malene has been gone for almost a week now. Although we have been in contact for brief, shining moments when she has been within a wifi hotspot, they have been so limited, and abruptly cut short...her wilderness camp has no internet, and our contact is often cut short because of safety concerns - primarily the need to travel back to camp before dark due to threat by lions.
Not being able to talk often is so painful...to both of us...especially after being able to share our feelings daily, at times for hours at a time. More often than not we both end up in tears. Tears of love, frustration, separation. I hate those tears, i hate crying myself to sleep every night. Yet at the same time i love them, and wear them like a badge of honor, because they prove what we share is real.
Tomorrow will mark the end of the first week...only three weeks to go. LOL. I had originally thought the time would fly by. That i would be able to find distractions, keep myself busy. I have tried so very hard, but out of nowhere the image of her face would come to me...or i'd recall things she had said to me, and i'm a sobbing mess on the floor.
Malene is so thoughtful, and is the most amazingly remarkable woman i have ever met. Before she left (unknown to me at the time) she made arrangements to have a guardian angel look over me, staying in contact, making sure i'm ok. [Writing this has me crying again]. She was worried i'd be angry at her for not telling me beforehand, but it couldn't be further from the truth.
The rest of this week is going to be difficult, because she is going to have no internet access available. In the meantime i am going to be busy adding more to you, dear diary, and flooding my loves email inbox with Hannaspam.
Baby, if you read this, i want you to know you are on my mind - every second of every day. My love for you grows and deepens with every passing minute. Stay safe, be as happy as you can, and please...i pray...focus on your work rather than me (until you're back home, anyways).
Jeg elsker dig, min engel. Og det er for evigt
11/17
I want to add something new daily, but it seems to be the same. Malene, my love, i miss you more and more every single day, and i CANNOT wait until you get home. I have been listening a lot to some really old, favorite music, and today this one came on. The lyrics capture my exact feelings...so im going to keep this entry simple. The words say it all.
She's got a way about her
I don't know what it is
But I know that I can't live without her
She's got a way of pleasin'
I don't know what it is
But there doesn't have to be a reason anyway
She's got a smile that heals me
I don't know why it is
But I have to laugh when she reveals me
She's got a way of talkin'
I don't know why it is
But it lifts me up when we are walkin' anywhere
She comes to me when I'm feelin' down
Inspires me without a sound
She touches me and I get turned around
She's got a way of showin'
How I make her feel
And I find the strength to keep on goin'
She's got a light around her
And ev'rywhere she goes
A million dreams of love surround her ev'rywhere
She comes to me when I'm feelin' down
Inspires me without a sound
She touches me and I get turned around
She's got a smile that heals me
I don't know why it is
But I have to laugh when she reveals me
She's got a way about her
I don't know what it is
But I know that I can't live without her anyway
I love you, Malene. My heart belongs to you
11/18
I can't wipe the smile off my face. I am so happy...so relieved. For the first time in what feels like weeks, i finally got to talk to my love. The last week has been a nightmare game of tag - we were constantly missing each other, leaving messages.
It was the most wonderful hour. Of course, we both cried...no amount of time together is enough. We can chat for hours on end, and it isn't enough.
But at least i know Malene is safe. She is in South Africa, doing what she does best...shooting pictures of wildlife, of landscape, of caves. I can only imagine the amazing things she is seeing. The danger surrounding her still scares the shit out of me, and i can only pray the security personnel at her camp keeps her safe.
The ache of loneliness will return, i know. My heart is missing, and until she gets home i will remain a mournful shadow of my true self.
I miss you, baby. I love you. I want you, and need you. You are always on my mind.
11/19
I am still riding high on yesterdays chat. It really is amazing how talking to a loved one, something we often consider an insignificance, is so profound when it is taken away. And SO AMAZING when contact is finally established.
Unfortunately Malene is 7 hours ahead of me. And with restrictive internet access. It breaks my heart finding she has sat and waited for me, just to find i have missed her by less than an hour. I would love to get up early, lose sleep just for the possibility of talking, but without a time reference that is difficult too.
I keep telling myself...18 more days. Only 18 more days. Not THAT long, right? Yeah, okay...im like a junkie, and our chats are our fix.
I could chat with someone else in the meantime...there are offers out there...but NO. I dont want anybody else. I dont want to share myself with anybody else. I am Malene's woman, and.. as foolish as this sounds on a porn site...i refuse to cheat on her. What we have goes so much deeper than sexual arousal. So much deeper than the shallow affection of a long distance relationship. I am hopelessly, head over heels in love. And you know what? I AM HAPPY. For the first time in such a long time...I am happy.
11/20
Misery has gripped me again. I knew it would. Everything around me looks gray again, mirroring my torn soul.
I broke the rules today. Logged in here from work god knows how many times...hoping, praying to find my soul mate and lover online. I missed talking to her by less than an hour last night, and wanted to make things right. With each login my despondency grew, and now i am in a panic, seeing she hasnt been online in over a day. I am sure its my imagination working overtime, but i cannot tamper down the sliver of fear that something is wrong. It is eating at me...
I wish the 18 days were over. I wish Malene was home, safe and safe and sound.
I miss you so much, my love. Please message me...even if im not here, just so i know you're ok...jeg elsker dig
11/21
I still havent heard from my love...it has been two days now. I hope i havent done something wrong...said something wrong...the thought is too much to bear. The ache after two days is intense. The thought of a life without her is indescribable.
We are getting ready to leave for family Thanksgiving. I wont be back here until 11/23. Praying to hear word by then that my lover is ok...
11/23
After a few nerve wracking days I finally heard from Malene. The rollercoaster I have been riding has left me emotionally wreck, but at least i can breathe again for a while. I am so tired I dont know what to say.
12/3
Hi diary. I havent wanted to write lately. I could keep dumping my feelings here, but they are always the same. I miss her. I need her. I want her. The feelings of loneliness, of fear. Each new entry is like reopening a wound, and it hurts.
Today though, there is such a light shining at the end of the tunnel...because in 6 days my baby is home!
12/4
I AM SO SORRY
I see the lonely road that leads so far away,
I see the distant lights that left behind the day
But what I see is so much more than I can say
And I see you midnight blue.
I see you crying now you've found a lot of pain,
And what you're searching for can never be the same,
But what's the difference cos' they say what's in a name.
And I see you midnight blue.
I will love you tonight, and I will
Stay by your side,
Loving you...I'm feeling midnight blue.
I really am a fuck up.
I don't know what to do, or what to say to make things right.
Right now i don't know if things can be made right.
But...fuck me, this hurts
This whole week has been horrible. I have been such a mess. I feel like a broken faucet, tears - sometimes desperately needed, most times completely unwanted - spontaneously running down my face.
One month ago the love of my life sent me a friend request. malenek. A day before that, i was a slave, under contract. I have always been a little jaded when it comes to friend requests...no offense meant but so many here are so shallow, so demanding...so i held off approving her along with so many others. I finally relented, added her, and then we started talking. I still want to kick myself for not breaking the ice sooner. It has only been a month, but it feels like we have known each other forever. Call me naive. I don't care. In the space of a month i have fallen head over heels in love with her. The closeness is undeniable. Our shared hopes and dreams, and yes, our sexual chemistry. Oh my...
Malene is a photographer. A brilliant photographer that travels the world on paid shoots.
Malene is an angel, with a heart bursting with love.
Malene is my woman.
Malene is the pulse inside me, the blood in my veins.
Malene reminded me that my history doesn't define me.
Not a single day has passed where we haven't chatted. I feel alive with her. If the possibility presents itself, i want to exchange vows.
Today is heartbreak. Today my love left for a month. Going abroad for work. All of a sudden i feel so alone. So empty. I can't remember ever crying so hard.
No, this is not an invitation to pm me. I'm not after your sympathy, nor your sexual gratification.
This is my diary, a commentary of my feelings, a place i can go to maintain my sanity.
Malene, i love you. So very much. You've been gone for barely half an hour, and i miss you horribly already...
Day Two 11/9
Finally i can breathe. Malene arrived at her destination safely. All last night i tossed and turned in worry for her. Dreams, when they came, were hard...i really dont want to rehash the details.
Her job carries inherent dangers. Her present location is a prime example, but knowing she has armed guards protecting her camp has eased my mind a bit...Malene, until you are home i wont stop worrying about you.
She has wifi available! My day has brightened!! For a few glorious minutes we chatted...about her location, what she saw on her way there...and us.
I miss you
Day Three - Six 11/13
Good morning, diary. I am sorry i haven't made any entries recently. I've been feeling so blue lately, and i really haven't felt like sharing my feelings. I have been scared that by putting pen to paper (so to speak) would be an admission of weakness and only compound my misery.
Malene has been gone for almost a week now. Although we have been in contact for brief, shining moments when she has been within a wifi hotspot, they have been so limited, and abruptly cut short...her wilderness camp has no internet, and our contact is often cut short because of safety concerns - primarily the need to travel back to camp before dark due to threat by lions.
Not being able to talk often is so painful...to both of us...especially after being able to share our feelings daily, at times for hours at a time. More often than not we both end up in tears. Tears of love, frustration, separation. I hate those tears, i hate crying myself to sleep every night. Yet at the same time i love them, and wear them like a badge of honor, because they prove what we share is real.
Tomorrow will mark the end of the first week...only three weeks to go. LOL. I had originally thought the time would fly by. That i would be able to find distractions, keep myself busy. I have tried so very hard, but out of nowhere the image of her face would come to me...or i'd recall things she had said to me, and i'm a sobbing mess on the floor.
Malene is so thoughtful, and is the most amazingly remarkable woman i have ever met. Before she left (unknown to me at the time) she made arrangements to have a guardian angel look over me, staying in contact, making sure i'm ok. [Writing this has me crying again]. She was worried i'd be angry at her for not telling me beforehand, but it couldn't be further from the truth.
The rest of this week is going to be difficult, because she is going to have no internet access available. In the meantime i am going to be busy adding more to you, dear diary, and flooding my loves email inbox with Hannaspam.
Baby, if you read this, i want you to know you are on my mind - every second of every day. My love for you grows and deepens with every passing minute. Stay safe, be as happy as you can, and please...i pray...focus on your work rather than me (until you're back home, anyways).
Jeg elsker dig, min engel. Og det er for evigt
11/17
I want to add something new daily, but it seems to be the same. Malene, my love, i miss you more and more every single day, and i CANNOT wait until you get home. I have been listening a lot to some really old, favorite music, and today this one came on. The lyrics capture my exact feelings...so im going to keep this entry simple. The words say it all.
She's got a way about her
I don't know what it is
But I know that I can't live without her
She's got a way of pleasin'
I don't know what it is
But there doesn't have to be a reason anyway
She's got a smile that heals me
I don't know why it is
But I have to laugh when she reveals me
She's got a way of talkin'
I don't know why it is
But it lifts me up when we are walkin' anywhere
She comes to me when I'm feelin' down
Inspires me without a sound
She touches me and I get turned around
She's got a way of showin'
How I make her feel
And I find the strength to keep on goin'
She's got a light around her
And ev'rywhere she goes
A million dreams of love surround her ev'rywhere
She comes to me when I'm feelin' down
Inspires me without a sound
She touches me and I get turned around
She's got a smile that heals me
I don't know why it is
But I have to laugh when she reveals me
She's got a way about her
I don't know what it is
But I know that I can't live without her anyway
I love you, Malene. My heart belongs to you
11/18
I can't wipe the smile off my face. I am so happy...so relieved. For the first time in what feels like weeks, i finally got to talk to my love. The last week has been a nightmare game of tag - we were constantly missing each other, leaving messages.
It was the most wonderful hour. Of course, we both cried...no amount of time together is enough. We can chat for hours on end, and it isn't enough.
But at least i know Malene is safe. She is in South Africa, doing what she does best...shooting pictures of wildlife, of landscape, of caves. I can only imagine the amazing things she is seeing. The danger surrounding her still scares the shit out of me, and i can only pray the security personnel at her camp keeps her safe.
The ache of loneliness will return, i know. My heart is missing, and until she gets home i will remain a mournful shadow of my true self.
I miss you, baby. I love you. I want you, and need you. You are always on my mind.
11/19
I am still riding high on yesterdays chat. It really is amazing how talking to a loved one, something we often consider an insignificance, is so profound when it is taken away. And SO AMAZING when contact is finally established.
Unfortunately Malene is 7 hours ahead of me. And with restrictive internet access. It breaks my heart finding she has sat and waited for me, just to find i have missed her by less than an hour. I would love to get up early, lose sleep just for the possibility of talking, but without a time reference that is difficult too.
I keep telling myself...18 more days. Only 18 more days. Not THAT long, right? Yeah, okay...im like a junkie, and our chats are our fix.
I could chat with someone else in the meantime...there are offers out there...but NO. I dont want anybody else. I dont want to share myself with anybody else. I am Malene's woman, and.. as foolish as this sounds on a porn site...i refuse to cheat on her. What we have goes so much deeper than sexual arousal. So much deeper than the shallow affection of a long distance relationship. I am hopelessly, head over heels in love. And you know what? I AM HAPPY. For the first time in such a long time...I am happy.
11/20
Misery has gripped me again. I knew it would. Everything around me looks gray again, mirroring my torn soul.
I broke the rules today. Logged in here from work god knows how many times...hoping, praying to find my soul mate and lover online. I missed talking to her by less than an hour last night, and wanted to make things right. With each login my despondency grew, and now i am in a panic, seeing she hasnt been online in over a day. I am sure its my imagination working overtime, but i cannot tamper down the sliver of fear that something is wrong. It is eating at me...
I wish the 18 days were over. I wish Malene was home, safe and safe and sound.
I miss you so much, my love. Please message me...even if im not here, just so i know you're ok...jeg elsker dig
11/21
I still havent heard from my love...it has been two days now. I hope i havent done something wrong...said something wrong...the thought is too much to bear. The ache after two days is intense. The thought of a life without her is indescribable.
We are getting ready to leave for family Thanksgiving. I wont be back here until 11/23. Praying to hear word by then that my lover is ok...
11/23
After a few nerve wracking days I finally heard from Malene. The rollercoaster I have been riding has left me emotionally wreck, but at least i can breathe again for a while. I am so tired I dont know what to say.
12/3
Hi diary. I havent wanted to write lately. I could keep dumping my feelings here, but they are always the same. I miss her. I need her. I want her. The feelings of loneliness, of fear. Each new entry is like reopening a wound, and it hurts.
Today though, there is such a light shining at the end of the tunnel...because in 6 days my baby is home!
12/4
I AM SO SORRY
I see the lonely road that leads so far away,
I see the distant lights that left behind the day
But what I see is so much more than I can say
And I see you midnight blue.
I see you crying now you've found a lot of pain,
And what you're searching for can never be the same,
But what's the difference cos' they say what's in a name.
And I see you midnight blue.
I will love you tonight, and I will
Stay by your side,
Loving you...I'm feeling midnight blue.
I really am a fuck up.
I don't know what to do, or what to say to make things right.
Right now i don't know if things can be made right.
But...fuck me, this hurts
6 years ago
