Pre to Post Op My Journey

I have felt female for as long as I can remember. I was never a manly boy but often quite feminine and girly in my interests and mannerisms. My mum and sister thought I was gay when I was growing up. Transgender wasn't something that formed part of their vocabulary. I remember my first crush on a boy when I was at school. I was confused as most of the boys in my class had a crush on a particular girl. I just remember that I wanted nothing more than to be her. Her hair in a pony tail and very giggly. When I wasn't at school, I would play with my sisters dolls and would occasionally wear her knickers to school. My mum always found out and I would pretend I put them on by mistake. Looking back it was so obvious to everyone except me. I always recall when my mum bought my sister some new clothes and several packs of knickers. Mostly pinks and light blue and cream with lace detail around the legs and waist. I was so jealous until my mum also bought me some but in plain white and black. She said that she bought them by mistake and would take them back if I wanted. I remember me saying. How silly she was but as she was very busy I would 'make do' with them :-). I started to grow my hair to shoulder length. Mum started buying me less boyish clothes to wear out of school. Then I started to get bullied being called queer and sissy. I stopped going out to play, instead going to my sisters room where I would experiment with her make up and occasionally wearing her much prettier panties. I would read her magazines about boys and fashion and be far more interested than football or sport. I was more attracted to the players! One summer one of the boys who bullied me followed me home from school. I saw him and hid in the garden of a derelict house. He found me and started hitting and kicking me. I rolled into a ball on the floor begging for him to stop. I was crying and begging him. When he did, he unzipped his flys and pissed over me and started laughing. I was humiliated but I couldn't stop looking at his cock. He must have realised and called me a gay cunt. He left me cut bruised and drenched in his piss.

Several years later, our paths crossed again. He was about s*******n and very cocky. I was still very feminine and my hair was still shoulder length but by this stage I was shaving my legs, pubic area and under arms. I wasn't very hairy anyway but it made me feel more feminine. I had even started buying my own underwear with my pocket money. This particular day I was wearing some peach coloured tanga briefs under my jeans when I was spotted by him. He called out my name and when I realised who it was I was scared. He chased me into some wooded area just off the road. He was bigger and much stronger than me and quickly cornered me. More name calling ensued and he called me a queer bitch and a cock sucker who had cum on their cornflakes. He went to take his cock out to piss on me again but I pleaded with him not to I said I would do anything if he didn't. He asked for money but I didn't have any so I offered to suck his cock as he thought I was a cock sucker. Needless to say he beat me up again. This continued for months until he finally split up with his girlfriend. She was really pretty and wore such amazing clothes and had lovely hair. The next time I saw him I ran he chased me but instead of beating me up this time he apologised. I'd never seen this side of him before but I was very scared. He told me the reason his girlfriend split up with him was because she found out he was bullying me and she was very good friends with my sister. He asked me to put in a good word for him and I agreed. As he went to leave he moved in to kiss me. I responded by letting him he unzipped his fly and took out his cock and told me to suck him. It was after all my fault his girlfriend had left him. This was the first time I'd ever done this but agreed to do so. I started to suck him and felt empowered as I felt him harden in my mouth. He didn't take long to cum. I swallowed his load and was struck at how different his cum tasted to mine. His was quite strong and there was quite a lot of it. His cock which seemed massive to me back then was probably about 6 inches. He wiped his cock over my face and then told me if I ever told anyone about this he'd kill me. I promised not to say a word. Funny how over the next 18 months he made me suck his cock once a week. Even after her got back with his girlfriend he'd still expect me to take care of him. He eventually joined the army and left my home town. Not long after this I had my first interracial experience as detailed in another post. I started to dress a a female in my room at home. My sister walked in one day and caught me. We sat and talked about everything. She agreed to help me by buying me stuff like makeup and clothes and help me with my make up. I remember the first time I went out dressed. I was nervous but it felt so right. One of my dads friends spotted me and told him he'd seen me. I think my dad was in denial or at least thought it might me just a phase I was going through. He couldn't comprehend it and although in our house it was the worlds worst kept secret. He and mum discussed it and he thought I should go and see someone. I agreed and went to the family doctor who quickly referred me to a specialist councillor. I was so glad it was finally being accepted or at least acknowledged by my parents. I told my mum I was now sexually active after she noticed a change in me. She was insistent I take protection and wasn't being taken advantage of by 'Pevy old men' as she put it. I opened up to her about my attraction to men and how I would play the role of the female. It must have been hard for her to accept her son was becoming her daughter. My dad coped by simply not talking about it as if I didn't exist. Our relationship remains very strained even to this day. I feel he has to be seen to make some effort for my mums sake but he clearly views me with contempt. My sister however is my best friend and has been my rock through all this. Even now she's married I'm introduced to her c***dren as aunt Amanda. She has never judged me but wishes I wasn't quite so promiscuous. After my boob job we joked that I've now got bigger boobs than her. She knows that I go for a certain type of man and we've discussed our sex lives quite openly with each other. She has never been with a black guy before. She has seen some pictures and can't believe how I can accommodate some of them. I love my life, the men who share it with me. Obviously I'd like to settle down with one special guy. The thought of waking up with someone every morning is magical. I somerimes get jealous when they go back to their partners. I suppose now I have had the final stage of my surgery I may consider becoming serious with someone. Time will tell. At the moment I'm writing this from my recovery suite. I can't wait to see my vagina properly. It feels so amazing to have lost my penis and have it replaced by my wonderful new pussy. At the moment I'm dilating 4 times a day. My sister will be here tomorrow to help me check out of here and into a hotel for the next week before I'm ready to fly home.

I'll keep you posted to any future developments. Amanda xxx