Continuation of More Catharsis...

Again, I have nothing that is necessarily constructive, intelligent, or well thought out here.

When I wrote "Time for more catharsis" - I was literally just free flowing - and typing as the words entered my mind.

I thought I might delete it - because I get like this once in a while, where I start feeling things that need to come to the surface.

My adult c***dren aren't the proper outlet for these thoughts and emotions, although the two oldest and I share our current thoughts and emotions about a lot of what happened in our lives in the past and how we feel going forward.

One of the two older k**s - and one of the younger two are in the military, I don't really want to poison their wells with any extra negativity either, although I suppose I could assume it would enlighten them as easily as it would poison them.

I belong to a few groups of prior Navy, dads, divorced dads, etc. I share some of the same things with them. But sometimes, I feel like they're too close to the "military life", and don't really have a perspective other than the same perspective I have - and I don't really need an echo chamber.

So again - maybe I'm just writing this to myself. I don't know what I hope to accomplish by doing this other than going through it all in my head. I am after all, on a porn site.

So feel free again to give me your thoughts. I don't know you. You don't know me - except what you're learning about me.

From therapy on and off over the past several years - I've learned to embrace vulnerability. So - putting all of this out there may be that too.

My main goal here is to answer the question furluvr asked in my original Catharsis post about why/how the split happened with my ex-wife.

There could have been a multitude of reasons why we split. After there is some time and distance from a traumatic event, it's easier to go back and look at things more objectively.

As I stated in the comments in the first catharsis post, we married very young.

My ex (Rachel) was raised in a doomsday cult - in a somewhat communal fashion. She was the oldest female, and 2nd oldest of 12 k**s. She basically raised her younger siblings while her parents and the rest of the group tried to live off the land. They were dirt poor. They had literally nothing, as most everything was owned by the commune.

I literally hate her parents for what they put those 12 innocent human beings through. I suppose I don't hate them, but rather what they did. Although it's difficult to separate actions from individuals sometimes. They have changed - and tried to make amends for their errors. Her parents eventually left their ridiculous "faith" and became affiliated with a more mainstream religion. But so much damage was done.

I was somewhat privileged. My father was a surgeon of Irish Catholic heritage. My brother was in medical school when I graduated High School. My mom is Jewish - which makes me Jewish (although I have blue eyes and don't possess a belief in a higher power in any way). My mom's family is wealthy. When I say privileged, I don't mean we were wealthy. Growing up, we didn't eat out much (there were six k**s in my family) and it took a long time for my father to become wealthy. I was in my senior year in High School before I felt like my dad had it made. Although in comparison to Rachel - we were very wealthy.

Meeting me in High School and marrying me was a solution to all of Rachel's problems. She was/is so damn smart. Being trapped in her family was literally destroying her. And everyone who knew her felt bad that this bright, beautiful and intelligent young woman was in a cult that was eternally stuck on stupid. She knew the track her family was on was a disaster. She knew I was intelligent and resourceful - and she knew I would succeed at whatever I tried. She supported my Navy plans 100% - even after studying about the Navy, the commitment, how hard it was on families, etc. She also loved the idea of me coming from money - I wanted for a lot less than she did. Although she didn't realize when we were in High School, that I wasn't interested in anything but making my own way. I didn't want help.

From the time we were Sophomores in High School, we knew we were getting married. We also knew as a couple that I'd be in the Navy. When we made plans for the future - they were with those things in mind - and as a couple. We would take every opportunity we could to learn about aircraft carriers and Navy bases, Navy ratings and commitments. We also took every opportunity to fuck like rabbits. Of course, we were teenagers who knew everything and were in love. Considering how fertile we were later, we're extremely fortunate she didn't get pregnant in High School.

My parents assumed I would be a doctor or lawyer when I was born. From the time I was a small c***d, I had no interest in any of that. I did very well in school, but didn't want to do anything but be a sailor. As long as I can remember, I wanted to be a sailor. Nothing else would do. That was my goal, and it was what I always worked towards.

In High School, when everybody spoke of college, I couldn't imagine it - I did think of going to Annapolis - but I didn't really want to be a commissioned officer. I wanted to do and see things and gain experience.

That may come from my experience in Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts (I made Eagle Scout at 16 1/2).

Toward the middle of my senior year in High School, my parents began seriously pushing me to go to college and become a professional - a doctor or lawyer.

I repeated that I was serious about joining the Navy.

They issued an ultimatum that if I went to college (and it couldn't be the Naval Academy in Annapolis) they would pay my way and help me get established in my practice as a doctor or lawyer. If I wanted to go to Annapolis (which I didn't), or join the Navy - I was on my own.

My parents are interesting people. They were doing what they thought was right. It was manipulative. They thought my life would be rough in the Navy, and although they were misguided, they did it out of love and duty. Of course when their tactics didn't work, they were more supportive than they said they would be.

I had a serious talk with Rachel about it. I was actually leaning toward going to college. Rachel couldn't see me not following my dreams. I explained that we were on our own if I didn't go to college. She talked me into sticking with our plans. I will ALWAYS love and respect her for that.

That's our background.

We married right out of High School. I enlisted, went to Boot Camp in San Diego, completed my "A" School in Florida and we were married a week later.

Two weeks after that, she began having morning sickness. Shortly after that I was on an aircraft carrier on my first sea rotation of 53 months.

It was during that first sea rotation that I had my first sexual experience with a man. Coincidentally, during that same period, Rachel experimented with another Navy Wife of a friend of mine.

I was home on leave when number one was born. We were extremely fortunate.

It was then that we discussed our dalliances and chalked them up to curiosity. She didn't enjoy her experience. I did enjoy mine. Neither one of us gave it much thought after that. Neither of us was really attracted to the same sex (that we knew of).

My rating (job) required me to be on sea rotation about 60 to 65% of the time. That doesn't mean you're actually underway for that amount of time, but you're tethered to your ship except for when you're on leave. So you may be docked in a foreign or domestic port along with being underway.

During those first roughly 5 years, we made number two when I was home on leave again. Again - fortunately, I was able to be there for the birth.

Number three came during the beginning of my first 36 month shore rotation, and number four came toward the end of that shore rotation - Immediately afterward, I began my second sea rotation of 60 months.

Rachel settled into being a "Navy Wife" and mother very well.

Our k**s were very well loved, well adjusted and well cared for. When I was home, I was home and was a great dad and husband.

Of course I believe this - but I hear it constantly from my k**s, our friends, my family, my Navy brothers and sisters and yes - even Rachel.

However, the time apart took its toll. And because of that, the time together took its toll. It's counter intuitive - that the time together would be sometimes worse than the time apart.

Like all married couples, there was no shortage of things we could blame for problems.

But we were happy. We did lots of things as a family and we were both immensely proud of the family we had built! We fought a bit about my schedule, but we knew what we signed up for.

To this day, Rachel and I still think it was silly that we ever fought about that at all. But after the fights would come long periods of closeness, connection and great intimacy and sex.

The military offers all kinds of resources for married couples in regards to family counseling, marriage support groups, help with c***dren, etc. And we took advantage of all of that. It was pretty cool.

We had some friends - a couple - who had been having marital problems - which was quite common among everybody we knew. Rachel began to help the wife - being there for her and listening, being a shoulder to cry on. This was a couple that we hung out with a lot. He had my same rating (job and rank) on the same carrier as me. In her quest to help her friend through her divorce (which happened relatively quickly), Rachel and her friend began an emotional affair that pulled my wife and our k**s' mother away from me and them.

I know this wasn't intentional. But that didn't change the result. I know that somehow in Rachel's past, she acquired the need for a much deeper emotional connection than I could give her. And as it turned out, the timing and circumstances were such that there was another woman with the same needs.

There's an actual thing called emotional infidelity. Their relationship became emotional infidelity plain and simple.

All of the resources the military offered were no match for this draw that these two women felt.

Over time, every waking moment Rachel had was spent with this other woman. It wasn't sexual. At least neither of them to this day will admit that it was sexual. And I believe Rachel when she says she didn't like her female to female experience. I wouldn't be surprised it there was some sexual activity, but I would have forgiven her.

Naturally, I tried to stop the exclusivity of their relationship. I complained about it a lot. In turn, she believed I was becoming controlling and manipulative. She called me a controlling asshole. Literally, all I was trying to do was to get my wife back. I'm more sensitive and compassionate than a lot of people would ever know. It hurt me deeply that we were falling apart - and seemingly, I couldn't change the trajectory.

They were much more than friends. Nearly every time I came home from sea - or from base when I was on shore - they were together. I couldn't sit next to my wife on the couch and watch TV. If I tried, I was an asshole. I couldn't go out to dinner alone with my wife. Rachel couldn't do anything for/with the k**s by themselves or with me - without the other woman being around.

I became the third wheel. My k**s became wheels 4 through 7. It broke my heart. To this day, none of them have a great relationship with Rachel. Now she tries, and the k**s are somewhat receptive. They love her as their mother, but they don't trust that she'll be there for them. And true to form, sometimes just when they think she's becoming present for them, she finds someone else to obsess over. They're all sort of in pain avoidance mode with her.

I watched for years as Rachel literally abandoned everything we had become - our relationships, our k**s, and literally all of our other friends and family for this emotional connection with another woman.

When I complained, it was my fault - again, I had become an asshole. It was because I wasn't there for her emotionally (or physically for long periods) and her friend was a way better listener than I was. Well duh.

We went to marriage counseling and went through 4 different counselors - because each of them came to the same conclusion - that Rachel was emotionally cheating on me and the k**s. She was shopping for a counselor that would tell her what she wanted to hear.

My friend - the other woman's ex-husband, gained custody of his three k**s because his wife was never around for them. She was always with Rachel. When that happened, Rachel went through a period where she realized that could happen to her, and she'd refocus. But everybody could tell that when she did that, she was miserable.

Incidentally, the c***dren of that couple and my k**s are still best friends - and I remain good friends with the husband.

There were some periods where things were better - and then they'd get bad again - and then better - and so on.

It became a horrible cycle where all we would fight about was her relationship with the woman. She continued to accuse me of being controlling. I continued to try to get our relationship back from a triangular relationship to a two way relationship.

I resisted her "friendship". She resisted my "control".

We each resented each other.

About 8 years after this other woman entered our life, I was arranging an anniversary trip that Rachel and I had discussed. We were going away for a week - all alone.

We were out to dinner one night and were talking about the Hotel where we'd be staying.

She began explaining how her friend had earned hotel points and she was going to come with us and be in a room close by.

I sat there in complete shock. I heard the words - but was floating off in another world.

When I realized what was happening - I snapped back to reality and said very plainly "No Rachel - she's not coming with us on our anniversary trip - we're celebrating the anniversary of our marriage, and all that means. What does she have to do with that"?

Rachel went on with the list of all the things that this woman gave her emotionally and then said "I can't do this anymore". I said "do what"?

Rachel said "I can't continue to live with a man who wants to control my friends and is intent on not letting me be happy".

She said she wanted a divorce.

I assumed she was bluffing, because it just didn't seem like that could happen to these two High School sweethearts with four awesome k**s.

I didn't realize how serious she was.

I attempted to get her to go to more counseling with me - but she refused.

She was done - and had been for sometime.

Of course I knew her reasons were bullshit. I still know that in retrospect and after lots of soul searching and counseling.

I'm about the farthest thing from controlling you can be.

Rachel and her friend are still best friends. But ironically, after the destruction their relationship caused, they've moved on from how close they were.

They've both had other relationships with other men and have realized that they can't have a successful triangular relationship with a normal man with whom they haven't had multiple c***dren with and don't have a history with and keep their own relationship so close.

It took me a long time to move on. I was crushed. Until she said she wanted out - and even a few years after, I was still trying to save the marriage and family. That's what I do. I am a fixer. She had moved on years before that. I had no idea. She was literally only there physically and that had been the case for years. I was simply to naive and hopeful to recognize it.

As I said before, there will always be love. We both feel it towards each other - but not the kind of love we once had.

I got through this by focusing on our k**s. The relationship they lacked with their mother was more than made up for by me. I didn't know how I could look in the mirror if I let them down too.

For all they had to put up with, they are remarkable. They are success minded and each of them somehow took only the best qualities from their mother and me. They are at the top of everything they do and I feel very fortunate.

As I said in the other post - two in the military (go NAVY - and I supose....Air force too) despite my protestations and two in the civilian world despite my protestations - and I couldn't be more proud of them if I tried. They're each successful in what they do and are amazing, sensitive, kind humans.

I'm still connected with the military through contract work I do with the department of defense - in case you haven't figured that out - I love that shit!!! I also own a small business that manufactures and sells snack products in the Western States.

Rachel was engaged to be married last July, but her fiance (ironically, a doctor), dumped her about a week before the wedding. It was sad. Struggles like that suck no matter who is on the receiving end. She lives with her mother now - which gives the k**s and me a good reason to have to visit Grandma.

We still get together for birthdays, Christmas, graduations and occasionally, Rachel sometimes spends a couple of days on vacation with all of us when we can pull it off.

Bitterness and animosity fade over time. Crying over what could have been gets replaced by joyful tears over the good that was - and is.

Thanks for humoring me with this outlet.