Issues

So, on this late night, I sit here facing a problem. I'm in a 13 year old relationship, that has gone from loving marriage to fuck buddy to rooomate, in a matter of six monthes. I'm also coping with a 15 year old diagnosis of gender dysphoria, that at one time was being treated, but due to money problems I have had to stop. Yes, the depression has been bad, but I know life is a journey, not a destination. It's how we get there that matters, not when we stop. So I wake-up everyday, look in the mirror has I shave and shower, and I just, I don't know, wish that at least half of me was a woman, and then I realize that I'm married to a woman who, says she is ok with Jennifer (my true self), but then is sickened (her words) when I try and live at least for now, part time. My self confidence is low, every time I do my make up i feel like I look like a scarecrow and not a woman. And then the urges to be a woman sexually kick in, to be made love to by a man or other girl, to feel genuine tenderness. Don't get me wrong I love playing a nasty sissy from time to time, but I have yet to have felt caring or tenderness as myself EVER. And I sit here like, man this sucks. The only thing that makes this whole thing bearable is the fact that there are girls at work, three of them, that are supportive and genuinely want to help me, it sucks that I'm stuck in guy mode all the time. Jennifer only is out once or twice a month for a mere two or three hours. And when i go back to guy mode, I find myself dying inside a little every day, only to be given new life, once or twice a month. What is a girl to do? This world ain't seen the last of Jennifer, but when can she stay forever? I don't know what to do.