Getting Used to Being Alone.

I spent my 31st birthday as I always have. Alone. I wanted to be brave and go to my first gay bar. There is only one in town and I'm not exactly out to everyone. This gay thing, although I've known what I was since I can remember, is still pretty new to me. I think having a poor excuse for a penis keeps me from getting out there. I am also quite chubby. Not super obese but overweight for my 6'1 and probably almost 300lbs. Sad I know, but I have spent my life depressed because of the way I was treated growing up. I am trying to get in shape. Just got a new 10 speed.

I have never been lonelier than I am now. I have a sort of weight lifted off my shoulders in that I have friends who I am out to, but I am too shy and afraid to see if there is someone out there for me.

I'm just a broke piece of trash from the bad side of town. Most think I am a thug or lowlife but I am not. I may not be clean shaven all the time but I am a pretty nice guy. I make friends so easily. Keeping them is the hard part. Most of my friends are male and straight. I end up having to avoid them because I tend to fall in love easily.

I am slipping into the thought of finding meaningless sex just to be close to a man. I know there are guys out there who don't mind cuddly bears like me. I just can't bring myself to look. I get so pissed with myself for not having the balls to step outside my comfort zone. i want so badly to be able to love a man, to be loved by a man. I feel like such a pussy because I am still afraid to love and be loved.

I know there is someone I will click with, but I feel unworthy of him. I hope this is just a phase in my life, but if not I guess I am strong enough to make it through. Hell, I've made it this far.

Published by samfreak

11 years ago

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head up guy every one is special so are you

to samfreak : A fag-hag is a caring, loving woman, who loves to be with Gay men. They want to see us happy, and delight in playing the matchmaker. They are in every Gay bar, and know everybody - know who is 'good,' who is a 'tramp,' and on and on. They are gregarious and will take pleasure in introducing you to the type of guys you will be comfortable with and have fun with. When you get yourself one, explain you're new to the scene, and she will protect you and show the ropes.

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samfreak Publisher 11 years ago

You really have a way with words, you have the ability to spark emotion in a person so well. What is a fag hag? I have no idea how to be gay.

Go to the bar. Coming out is a willful, ballsy act, that you cannot achieve in your living room, by yourself. In the bar, i can guarantee two things for sure: One, you will know lots of people - the people you went to school with, the people you were attracted to, the people you told yourself (like i foolishly did to myself) could never be Gay, but guess what? They were, and are. And Two, they will welcome you. Don't question the power of family. Your new family has been through all the same shit you have, so let them love you as a brother. You have nothing to fear from them, and all the acceptance in the world to gain. Do not doubt it, and if you are worried about "blabber mouths," just them you are still in the process of coming out. Your wish will be respected. Soon you'll see it was caution misplaced, and next year, it will be you in the local pride parade - maybe on the arm of the man of your dreams. So, go get 'em tiger!

And one more tip, when you're first in the bar, look for a nice fag-hag. She will 'mother hen' you and introduce you to the whole gang. Do it, it will be fun. She can teach you how be Gay.

samfreak Publisher 11 years ago

Thanks man. One day at a time huh?

ILMDWST8 11 years ago

Dont keep kickin' yourself man. Like you said, you've made it this far-!