What Your Attachment Style Says About Your Dating
I sat out on a mission and talked to several experts about what might cause insecurity in relationships
One of the greatest and most joyous mysteries in dating is the sudden shift we feel within ourselves when we realize we actually like someone.
What was once a very smooth and casual encounter becomes a one-stop-shop of overthinking and overanalyzing the smallest details—like why they took so long (like an hour) to text back and whether we should be playing hard to get so they don’t lose interest. It’s exhausting.
But what if I told you that these behaviors are not a reflection of dating tips you’ve read or just being “crazy,” as we so quickly assume, but a reflection of the attachment styles you’ve cultivated through your relationship with your emotional caregiver as a c***d?
Yeah, that’s right. We’re about to get deep here.
It’s called attachment theory, and it’s a framework psychologist John Bowlby began developing in the 1950s before publishing the first of a trio of groundbreaking papers on the subject in 1969. In the ’70s, developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth greatly expanded upon Bowlby’s work.
The best way to become aware of your attachment style is by learning the particular unhealthy behaviors you bring to your adult relationships.
Bowlby and Ainsworth developed attachment theory by studying the ways infants and young c***dren bond with their primary caregiver (the person responsible for tending to the c***d’s emotional needs). The theory identifies four attachment styles: secure, anxious, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant (which is also called disorganized attachment).
The particular style of bonding formed in that primary relationship is then later recreated in adult relationships.
I already know what you’re wondering: “Which attachment style am I?!” I spoke with relationship coach Silvy Khoucasian to learn more about what each style looks like.
Secure attachment: “Those with secure attachment grew up in a home where their caregiver was emotionally tuned in to their internal experience and was able to provide comfort and relief quickly,” Khoucasian says. “These c***dren developed a safe and secure bond with their caregiver; that safety and trust translated into their adult relationships. They are usually trusting of others, lead with mutuality and fairness, and are able to own and communicate their needs directly. They also do not play games and can quickly sense when someone will not be available for them.”
Anxious attachment: “Those who have an anxious attachment had a caregiver who was inconsistent in their availability. Their caregiver was emotionally tuned in sometimes, and other times they were unavailable,” Khoucasian says. “That inconsistency leaves a c***d feeling very confused and frustrated because they don’t know if their needs will be comforted or responded to appropriately.”
“c***dren who grew up with anxious attachment tend to be triggered easily by threats to the relationship,” she adds. “They are hyper-attuned if their partner momentarily shuts down or is not available for them. They can feel threatened even if there isn’t an actual threat. It is their perception and anticipation of a loss of connection that terrifies them. Anxious partners are ultimately terrified of being abandoned in adult relationships. They will act out that fear of abandonment over and over again, and often push many partners away.”
Learning our history helps us connect the dots and make sense of our story. It gives us the awareness we need to validate our story so we can begin to make new choices.
Dismissive avoidant attachment: “Those who have a dismissive-avoidant attachment grew up with parents who were neglectful and not present to their needs most of the time. As adults, they learn to rely on themselves and often have an inflated sense of self to cover up their deep fears of aloneness,” Khoucasian says. “They tend to be highly career-oriented and minimize the importance of close relationships. When they do enter relationships, they avoid tending to the needs of their partner and u*********sly create distance to protect themselves. They can create distance by focusing on their partner’s flaws, which helps them block intimacy from forming and prevents them from having to be vulnerable.”
Fearful avoidant attachment (disorganized attachment): “Those who have a fearful-avoidant attachment grew up with a caregiver who was likely threatening or unable to care for them in sufficient ways. This attachment style is often linked with the caregiver being intrusive, abusive or neglectful,” she says. “As adults, fearful avoidants have a combination of anxious and avoidant tendencies. They crave closeness (which is different from the dismissive-avoidant style), but they experience a high level of anxiety when they begin to depend on someone. They also have low self-esteem and a sense of self. They tend to prematurely pull away from relationships due to their fear of rejection and feelings of anxiety.”
Pause.
Before you try to label yourself, Khoucasian says we can exhibit behaviors of more than one attachment style and our style can change based on who we are in relationships with as adults. The best way we can benefit from attachment styles, she says, is by focusing on the behaviors we identify with rather than trying to fit ourselves into a particular box.
With that said, she offers some guidance on how to figure out where you fit with the attachment styles.
“The best way to become aware of your attachment style is by learning the particular unhealthy behaviors you bring to your adult relationships,” Khoucasian says. “For example, do you tend to cling when you’re in relationships or feel abandoned easily? Do you withdraw or shut down easily when your partner needs you? Do you minimize the importance of relationships as a way to protect yourself? Do you push people away as they begin to show up for you? Do you feel a high level of anxiety even if the relationship is going well?”
“Learning our history helps us connect the dots and make sense of our story,” she adds. “Even if our c***dhood was painful, understanding it can still feel deeply healing. It gives us the awareness we need to validate our story so we can begin to make new choices.”
Although this can be a wild ride within ourselves, it truly can turn into a roller coaster when we enter a partnership with someone else—specifically someone with a different attachment style.
The push and pull of an avoidant and anxious attachment relationship create a toxic tango that almost feels addictive and makes it hard for them to let go of the relationship.
Online couples ther****t Dr. Sarah Schewitz says certain attachment styles are more drawn to each other than others, and the results are not always pretty.
“Anxious and avoidant attachment styles tend to be attracted to one another, which is unfortunate since they tend to drive each other crazy when in relationships together,” Schewitz says. “The push and pull of an avoidant and anxious attachment relationship create a toxic tango that almost feels addictive and makes it hard for them to let go of the relationship. Every time the avoidant partner pulls away, it creates anxiety and obsession in the anxious partner. When the avoidant partner returns, it creates an increase in dopamine for both partners, which is the same neurotransmitter responsible for the euphoric feeling you get when drinking or doing d**gs. Thus, the brain reacts in the same way it does when creating and sustaining an addiction. You keep coming back together because your brains want that hit of dopamine.”
(Why is she being so loud?)
Schewitz adds that your attachment style can lead to creating (and believing) false narratives about what’s actually going on in your partnership, and even within yourself.
“One of the most common issues I experience with individual clients is an anxiously attached woman feeling like she is too much or too needy for men, or that she is not good enough to attract a quality man,” she says. “She internalizes their leaving as her not being lovable or worthy when she is just attracting avoidantly attached partners who can’t actually give her what she wants. Men leaving her has nothing to do with her inherent worth or lovability and everything to do with her attraction to avoidant men, usually due to having been raised by an emotionally unavailable parent.”
She continues: “With couples, I often see individuals who have anxiously attached display protesting behaviors, such as threatening to break up or leave, which creates instability and a lack of safety in the relationship.”
If you are in a relationship with somebody who has an avoidant attachment style, Schewitz says the most important thing you can do is understand that their need for space is not personal.
“Their need for space is not about how much they love you or because they are no longer interested in you,” she says. “It’s merely about their discomfort with a close connection and need for space. Individuals with avoidant attachment styles need to pull away in order to regulate their emotions and gather their energy. Trust that they will come back a better partner if you let them have their space.”
When dealing with someone who exhibits anxious attachment, Schewitz says, reassurance that you care for them and are invested in the future of the relationship will go a long way and help with communication.
If you’re starting to worry about your attachment style, the good news is it’s not a life sentence. If you want to strive for a more secure attachment with your relationships, you absolutely can—you just have to be willing to do the work to get there.
“Research shows that it takes about four years to become more secure,” Khoucasian says.
“It’s also important to surround ourselves with healthy and emotionally available relationships to help us rewire our attachment style,” she adds. “The good news is that once you become aware, you can learn to call yourself out more quickly if you behave in ways that are harmful to your relationships. The awareness and the willingness to see the damaging behaviors are the first steps to changing them.”
One of the greatest and most joyous mysteries in dating is the sudden shift we feel within ourselves when we realize we actually like someone.
What was once a very smooth and casual encounter becomes a one-stop-shop of overthinking and overanalyzing the smallest details—like why they took so long (like an hour) to text back and whether we should be playing hard to get so they don’t lose interest. It’s exhausting.
But what if I told you that these behaviors are not a reflection of dating tips you’ve read or just being “crazy,” as we so quickly assume, but a reflection of the attachment styles you’ve cultivated through your relationship with your emotional caregiver as a c***d?
Yeah, that’s right. We’re about to get deep here.
It’s called attachment theory, and it’s a framework psychologist John Bowlby began developing in the 1950s before publishing the first of a trio of groundbreaking papers on the subject in 1969. In the ’70s, developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth greatly expanded upon Bowlby’s work.
The best way to become aware of your attachment style is by learning the particular unhealthy behaviors you bring to your adult relationships.
Bowlby and Ainsworth developed attachment theory by studying the ways infants and young c***dren bond with their primary caregiver (the person responsible for tending to the c***d’s emotional needs). The theory identifies four attachment styles: secure, anxious, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant (which is also called disorganized attachment).
The particular style of bonding formed in that primary relationship is then later recreated in adult relationships.
I already know what you’re wondering: “Which attachment style am I?!” I spoke with relationship coach Silvy Khoucasian to learn more about what each style looks like.
Secure attachment: “Those with secure attachment grew up in a home where their caregiver was emotionally tuned in to their internal experience and was able to provide comfort and relief quickly,” Khoucasian says. “These c***dren developed a safe and secure bond with their caregiver; that safety and trust translated into their adult relationships. They are usually trusting of others, lead with mutuality and fairness, and are able to own and communicate their needs directly. They also do not play games and can quickly sense when someone will not be available for them.”
Anxious attachment: “Those who have an anxious attachment had a caregiver who was inconsistent in their availability. Their caregiver was emotionally tuned in sometimes, and other times they were unavailable,” Khoucasian says. “That inconsistency leaves a c***d feeling very confused and frustrated because they don’t know if their needs will be comforted or responded to appropriately.”
“c***dren who grew up with anxious attachment tend to be triggered easily by threats to the relationship,” she adds. “They are hyper-attuned if their partner momentarily shuts down or is not available for them. They can feel threatened even if there isn’t an actual threat. It is their perception and anticipation of a loss of connection that terrifies them. Anxious partners are ultimately terrified of being abandoned in adult relationships. They will act out that fear of abandonment over and over again, and often push many partners away.”
Learning our history helps us connect the dots and make sense of our story. It gives us the awareness we need to validate our story so we can begin to make new choices.
Dismissive avoidant attachment: “Those who have a dismissive-avoidant attachment grew up with parents who were neglectful and not present to their needs most of the time. As adults, they learn to rely on themselves and often have an inflated sense of self to cover up their deep fears of aloneness,” Khoucasian says. “They tend to be highly career-oriented and minimize the importance of close relationships. When they do enter relationships, they avoid tending to the needs of their partner and u*********sly create distance to protect themselves. They can create distance by focusing on their partner’s flaws, which helps them block intimacy from forming and prevents them from having to be vulnerable.”
Fearful avoidant attachment (disorganized attachment): “Those who have a fearful-avoidant attachment grew up with a caregiver who was likely threatening or unable to care for them in sufficient ways. This attachment style is often linked with the caregiver being intrusive, abusive or neglectful,” she says. “As adults, fearful avoidants have a combination of anxious and avoidant tendencies. They crave closeness (which is different from the dismissive-avoidant style), but they experience a high level of anxiety when they begin to depend on someone. They also have low self-esteem and a sense of self. They tend to prematurely pull away from relationships due to their fear of rejection and feelings of anxiety.”
Pause.
Before you try to label yourself, Khoucasian says we can exhibit behaviors of more than one attachment style and our style can change based on who we are in relationships with as adults. The best way we can benefit from attachment styles, she says, is by focusing on the behaviors we identify with rather than trying to fit ourselves into a particular box.
With that said, she offers some guidance on how to figure out where you fit with the attachment styles.
“The best way to become aware of your attachment style is by learning the particular unhealthy behaviors you bring to your adult relationships,” Khoucasian says. “For example, do you tend to cling when you’re in relationships or feel abandoned easily? Do you withdraw or shut down easily when your partner needs you? Do you minimize the importance of relationships as a way to protect yourself? Do you push people away as they begin to show up for you? Do you feel a high level of anxiety even if the relationship is going well?”
“Learning our history helps us connect the dots and make sense of our story,” she adds. “Even if our c***dhood was painful, understanding it can still feel deeply healing. It gives us the awareness we need to validate our story so we can begin to make new choices.”
Although this can be a wild ride within ourselves, it truly can turn into a roller coaster when we enter a partnership with someone else—specifically someone with a different attachment style.
The push and pull of an avoidant and anxious attachment relationship create a toxic tango that almost feels addictive and makes it hard for them to let go of the relationship.
Online couples ther****t Dr. Sarah Schewitz says certain attachment styles are more drawn to each other than others, and the results are not always pretty.
“Anxious and avoidant attachment styles tend to be attracted to one another, which is unfortunate since they tend to drive each other crazy when in relationships together,” Schewitz says. “The push and pull of an avoidant and anxious attachment relationship create a toxic tango that almost feels addictive and makes it hard for them to let go of the relationship. Every time the avoidant partner pulls away, it creates anxiety and obsession in the anxious partner. When the avoidant partner returns, it creates an increase in dopamine for both partners, which is the same neurotransmitter responsible for the euphoric feeling you get when drinking or doing d**gs. Thus, the brain reacts in the same way it does when creating and sustaining an addiction. You keep coming back together because your brains want that hit of dopamine.”
(Why is she being so loud?)
Schewitz adds that your attachment style can lead to creating (and believing) false narratives about what’s actually going on in your partnership, and even within yourself.
“One of the most common issues I experience with individual clients is an anxiously attached woman feeling like she is too much or too needy for men, or that she is not good enough to attract a quality man,” she says. “She internalizes their leaving as her not being lovable or worthy when she is just attracting avoidantly attached partners who can’t actually give her what she wants. Men leaving her has nothing to do with her inherent worth or lovability and everything to do with her attraction to avoidant men, usually due to having been raised by an emotionally unavailable parent.”
She continues: “With couples, I often see individuals who have anxiously attached display protesting behaviors, such as threatening to break up or leave, which creates instability and a lack of safety in the relationship.”
If you are in a relationship with somebody who has an avoidant attachment style, Schewitz says the most important thing you can do is understand that their need for space is not personal.
“Their need for space is not about how much they love you or because they are no longer interested in you,” she says. “It’s merely about their discomfort with a close connection and need for space. Individuals with avoidant attachment styles need to pull away in order to regulate their emotions and gather their energy. Trust that they will come back a better partner if you let them have their space.”
When dealing with someone who exhibits anxious attachment, Schewitz says, reassurance that you care for them and are invested in the future of the relationship will go a long way and help with communication.
If you’re starting to worry about your attachment style, the good news is it’s not a life sentence. If you want to strive for a more secure attachment with your relationships, you absolutely can—you just have to be willing to do the work to get there.
“Research shows that it takes about four years to become more secure,” Khoucasian says.
“It’s also important to surround ourselves with healthy and emotionally available relationships to help us rewire our attachment style,” she adds. “The good news is that once you become aware, you can learn to call yourself out more quickly if you behave in ways that are harmful to your relationships. The awareness and the willingness to see the damaging behaviors are the first steps to changing them.”
2 years ago