A rough one
I remember how the night began. it
was a week before my
buddy’s
wedding, and a group of chaps from the
east coast
had just arrived for the
festivities. an interesting
group of fellows, to be sure, but
not particularly my cup
of tea, though that wasn’t going
to stop me from the debauchery
I was ready to partake in.
we all met up at a
neutral house, where a small
party was forming at said
house and also several
nearby. no shortage
of alcoholic beverages and
marijuana, I tell you.
as a brief sidenote, I must
relate to the reader that my attitude
towards the consumption of
intoxicating beverages and d**gs is quite simply
this – drink fast, drink a lot, let it ride. not
a very productive way of going about things, I’ll give
you that, but, hey, that’s just who I
am.
anyways, after imbibing numerous glasses
of cheap keg beer and even cheaper
bourbon, and taking several
bong hits (not a normal habit, so, as
you might guess, I was pretty fucked) we
left for the bars.
the last thing I remember is walking onto
the porch, about to leave, when
I encountered some poor young lass who
had been throwing up
over
the side. not recognizing her,
I promptly began
to berate her. “what are you
doing here, stupid cunt? you’re
out here ruining the garden
with your vile spew and nobody
here even knows you! stupid fucking
bitch. why don’t you just get the hell
outta here, nobody wants you
here anymore! you’re fat, and you
got no tits.” this seemed to get
quite the rise from the rest
of the posse.
after that, the blackout reigns supreme. I
remember nothing of entering
a bar, slamming several drinks, pulling
down my pants and screaming something
about my insanely large penis, falling over and
knocking down a number of chairs, passing out
with my face down on the floor, and having
to be forcibly removed from the
establishment, all of which was related
to me during the span of the next
several days.
when I awoke, or more precisely, when
memory reentered my consciousness,
I was laying in the fetal position in the back
seat of my car, parked where I had left it
when I arrived the night before. the
clock indicated to me that it was 6:29 am, and
the sun had just risen. checking the date
on my watch, I was reassured to find that it
was the next morning, so at least
I had not
been out for an entire day. only a couple
of hours
had passed since the last
traces of remembrance had
finally ebbed from my mind.
I felt as if my body had been
flogged severely, and my head
was throbbing like mad, though I
still felt amazingly drunk. the most
disturbing aspect, however, was that
I was soaked. my clothes, from the chest
of my shirt down to my sneakers, were practically
dripping wet. managing to struggle up and
sit upright, I saw the incredibly large
wet spot that had formed beneath me. “damn it,” I
said out loud to my imaginary
drinking buddy, “I fucking pissed the shit
outta myself.”
I thought about just driving home
like that, when I realized how incredibly
uncomfortable I was in those drenched clothes.
there was no way that
I could make it all the way home, about 30 minutes,
without probably killing myself
in a gruesome accident caused by my
sheer lack of comfort.
so, like any sane person, I
concluded that my only
option
was to strip down naked, removing
every article of clothing, store them
in the trunk, and then proceed home.
after peeling off my clothes in the back
seat, a task that was not particularly
easy
since they were all sopping wet and I was
half drunk, I got out, stark naked, popped the trunk
and
threw them in. it was then, and only then,
that I realized I was in the nude, and
there were probably several eyes on this crazy
asshole right now, walking around his
car naked and looking altogether
disheveled.
shrugging it off, I got into the driver’s seat,
put on the seat belt, and started
the ignition. finding a half empty pack
of cigarettes on the seat next to me,
I lit one up and pulled away.
the ride home was a unique one, as
one might imagine, but being not even
7 am on a Saturday morning, I didn’t
run into many fellow drivers on the road. the
real awkwardness occurred when
I pulled up in front of my house,
parked, and got out of the car without
really thinking about scanning the area
for any innocent bystanders.
to my sudden surprise, and, I would
imagine,
her indescribable and horrifying
shock, the old lady
next door, whom I had rarely
seen and never interacted with,
was outside tending to her large and
obnoxious garden. upon seeing
this nude man exiting his car and
stumbling up to the sidewalk, half
falling over, her face seemed to immediately
lose all color, her eyes opened wide like
two gigantic balls of terrified light
amidst a veil of pale white canvas.
I could see in her look, during the brief
moments that I was slowly making my
way to the door, that this
was simply something that
she could not, would never be able to, understand.
this complete lack of adherence to societal
and moral guidelines was
beyond her comprehension. I suppose
one could not blame her, it was certainly
not one of my proudest moments, but,
hey,
shit happens, right?
was a week before my
buddy’s
wedding, and a group of chaps from the
east coast
had just arrived for the
festivities. an interesting
group of fellows, to be sure, but
not particularly my cup
of tea, though that wasn’t going
to stop me from the debauchery
I was ready to partake in.
we all met up at a
neutral house, where a small
party was forming at said
house and also several
nearby. no shortage
of alcoholic beverages and
marijuana, I tell you.
as a brief sidenote, I must
relate to the reader that my attitude
towards the consumption of
intoxicating beverages and d**gs is quite simply
this – drink fast, drink a lot, let it ride. not
a very productive way of going about things, I’ll give
you that, but, hey, that’s just who I
am.
anyways, after imbibing numerous glasses
of cheap keg beer and even cheaper
bourbon, and taking several
bong hits (not a normal habit, so, as
you might guess, I was pretty fucked) we
left for the bars.
the last thing I remember is walking onto
the porch, about to leave, when
I encountered some poor young lass who
had been throwing up
over
the side. not recognizing her,
I promptly began
to berate her. “what are you
doing here, stupid cunt? you’re
out here ruining the garden
with your vile spew and nobody
here even knows you! stupid fucking
bitch. why don’t you just get the hell
outta here, nobody wants you
here anymore! you’re fat, and you
got no tits.” this seemed to get
quite the rise from the rest
of the posse.
after that, the blackout reigns supreme. I
remember nothing of entering
a bar, slamming several drinks, pulling
down my pants and screaming something
about my insanely large penis, falling over and
knocking down a number of chairs, passing out
with my face down on the floor, and having
to be forcibly removed from the
establishment, all of which was related
to me during the span of the next
several days.
when I awoke, or more precisely, when
memory reentered my consciousness,
I was laying in the fetal position in the back
seat of my car, parked where I had left it
when I arrived the night before. the
clock indicated to me that it was 6:29 am, and
the sun had just risen. checking the date
on my watch, I was reassured to find that it
was the next morning, so at least
I had not
been out for an entire day. only a couple
of hours
had passed since the last
traces of remembrance had
finally ebbed from my mind.
I felt as if my body had been
flogged severely, and my head
was throbbing like mad, though I
still felt amazingly drunk. the most
disturbing aspect, however, was that
I was soaked. my clothes, from the chest
of my shirt down to my sneakers, were practically
dripping wet. managing to struggle up and
sit upright, I saw the incredibly large
wet spot that had formed beneath me. “damn it,” I
said out loud to my imaginary
drinking buddy, “I fucking pissed the shit
outta myself.”
I thought about just driving home
like that, when I realized how incredibly
uncomfortable I was in those drenched clothes.
there was no way that
I could make it all the way home, about 30 minutes,
without probably killing myself
in a gruesome accident caused by my
sheer lack of comfort.
so, like any sane person, I
concluded that my only
option
was to strip down naked, removing
every article of clothing, store them
in the trunk, and then proceed home.
after peeling off my clothes in the back
seat, a task that was not particularly
easy
since they were all sopping wet and I was
half drunk, I got out, stark naked, popped the trunk
and
threw them in. it was then, and only then,
that I realized I was in the nude, and
there were probably several eyes on this crazy
asshole right now, walking around his
car naked and looking altogether
disheveled.
shrugging it off, I got into the driver’s seat,
put on the seat belt, and started
the ignition. finding a half empty pack
of cigarettes on the seat next to me,
I lit one up and pulled away.
the ride home was a unique one, as
one might imagine, but being not even
7 am on a Saturday morning, I didn’t
run into many fellow drivers on the road. the
real awkwardness occurred when
I pulled up in front of my house,
parked, and got out of the car without
really thinking about scanning the area
for any innocent bystanders.
to my sudden surprise, and, I would
imagine,
her indescribable and horrifying
shock, the old lady
next door, whom I had rarely
seen and never interacted with,
was outside tending to her large and
obnoxious garden. upon seeing
this nude man exiting his car and
stumbling up to the sidewalk, half
falling over, her face seemed to immediately
lose all color, her eyes opened wide like
two gigantic balls of terrified light
amidst a veil of pale white canvas.
I could see in her look, during the brief
moments that I was slowly making my
way to the door, that this
was simply something that
she could not, would never be able to, understand.
this complete lack of adherence to societal
and moral guidelines was
beyond her comprehension. I suppose
one could not blame her, it was certainly
not one of my proudest moments, but,
hey,
shit happens, right?
5 years ago