Addiction
I have been with probably 10 or 15 guys I guess. All but 2 within a 4 year period that started in my mid 40's. I hadn't been with a guy until I was about 45. If I was professionally diagnosed, I would bet money the professionals would label me as straight with sexual novelty seeking behaviors. I am going to, for the sake of argument, assume you don't know anything about alcoholism/addiction or recovery from these. I have been in recovery for most of my life.
Addiction is sort of an all encompassing thing. It isn't about drinking too much or smoking too much crack. It is a emotional disorder that doesn't go away when you stop the d**gs. I heard an interview with a neurologist who wrote "the compass of pleasure" on Terry Gross NPR. He explained it really well. You can find it online if you're interested. He explained it like this, "you would think an alcoholic gets a larger pleasure bump from drinking than a normal person but it is the opposite. Alcoholics never really get the same amount of pleasure as a normal person. It is never quite good enough. He said the pleasure receptors of an addict are blunted. There stomachs just never feel quite full enough. There is not enough alcohol, crack, pizza or sex to make us feel completely satisfied. Then there are all of the other strange quirks like ADD, Depression, dyslexia... and you get what typically turns out to be a genetic line of people going way back up the family tree who have never really felt that good, so they try to drink and fuck there way out of it for a few hundred generation, and you have a perfect storm of abuse and addiction. I would say half of my family tree is alcoholic and the other half is worse. They are the ones who enable and fix alcoholics. The look all polished and clean but there insides are full of worms. I could literally write a book but that isn't the point. The point is, I am probably a bit of a sex addict, I can never get enough.
There are so many different ways to be sexually out of touch with ourselves. Humanity is so diabolically fucked up. For me, the act of sucking a married guys cock in some kind of ritualistic sex act is exciting because it is the exact opposite of what is normal for me. And it is only exciting when it is with a guy who is in the same head space. It is all about the secret. If a guy is gay, genetically wired to form an emotional attachment with another man, they couldn't possibly be in the same headspace as me. It is the novelty seeking thing. I have been with so many women I cant remember the half of it. There is not much novelty to it anymore. Women are very attracted to me. There are a few beautiful women who I could be with right now if I wanted to. But the strings are like spider webs. It is so fucking messy. I have a girlfriend and I really love her. I am pretty sure I wouldn't cheat on her and if things keep going the way they have been I could see us staying together. We are a good fit. She isn't the prettiest woman I have been with. But she is really smart and funny and we have a lot of fun. Sex is sort of "whatever". I don't really care about that. She's an addict too.
Addicts are overly emotional and easily hurt. And usually have bad tempers. And hypocritical perfectionists from hell. so... we can kind of suck to be around.
But we are also often very creative, impulsive and fun. And since we are totally self centered and can never get enough of anything many of our leaders are addicts. An addict focused on a prize can be relentless. I mean, a normal k** wouldn't sit in his bedroom and play the guitar for 10 hours a day for years before getting into a band. It isn't normal. Politicians, Comics, Moviestars, Rockstars, Poets and Psychopaths. I would bet that the majority of politicians in Washington are addicts, but most of us just end up dead, in prison or on construction sites. So, being an Addict is really not about d**gs and alcohol. It is about pain and pleasure and the inability to cope. If I could just get one more hit everything would be alright.
signed,
King Baby!
Addiction is sort of an all encompassing thing. It isn't about drinking too much or smoking too much crack. It is a emotional disorder that doesn't go away when you stop the d**gs. I heard an interview with a neurologist who wrote "the compass of pleasure" on Terry Gross NPR. He explained it really well. You can find it online if you're interested. He explained it like this, "you would think an alcoholic gets a larger pleasure bump from drinking than a normal person but it is the opposite. Alcoholics never really get the same amount of pleasure as a normal person. It is never quite good enough. He said the pleasure receptors of an addict are blunted. There stomachs just never feel quite full enough. There is not enough alcohol, crack, pizza or sex to make us feel completely satisfied. Then there are all of the other strange quirks like ADD, Depression, dyslexia... and you get what typically turns out to be a genetic line of people going way back up the family tree who have never really felt that good, so they try to drink and fuck there way out of it for a few hundred generation, and you have a perfect storm of abuse and addiction. I would say half of my family tree is alcoholic and the other half is worse. They are the ones who enable and fix alcoholics. The look all polished and clean but there insides are full of worms. I could literally write a book but that isn't the point. The point is, I am probably a bit of a sex addict, I can never get enough.
There are so many different ways to be sexually out of touch with ourselves. Humanity is so diabolically fucked up. For me, the act of sucking a married guys cock in some kind of ritualistic sex act is exciting because it is the exact opposite of what is normal for me. And it is only exciting when it is with a guy who is in the same head space. It is all about the secret. If a guy is gay, genetically wired to form an emotional attachment with another man, they couldn't possibly be in the same headspace as me. It is the novelty seeking thing. I have been with so many women I cant remember the half of it. There is not much novelty to it anymore. Women are very attracted to me. There are a few beautiful women who I could be with right now if I wanted to. But the strings are like spider webs. It is so fucking messy. I have a girlfriend and I really love her. I am pretty sure I wouldn't cheat on her and if things keep going the way they have been I could see us staying together. We are a good fit. She isn't the prettiest woman I have been with. But she is really smart and funny and we have a lot of fun. Sex is sort of "whatever". I don't really care about that. She's an addict too.
Addicts are overly emotional and easily hurt. And usually have bad tempers. And hypocritical perfectionists from hell. so... we can kind of suck to be around.
But we are also often very creative, impulsive and fun. And since we are totally self centered and can never get enough of anything many of our leaders are addicts. An addict focused on a prize can be relentless. I mean, a normal k** wouldn't sit in his bedroom and play the guitar for 10 hours a day for years before getting into a band. It isn't normal. Politicians, Comics, Moviestars, Rockstars, Poets and Psychopaths. I would bet that the majority of politicians in Washington are addicts, but most of us just end up dead, in prison or on construction sites. So, being an Addict is really not about d**gs and alcohol. It is about pain and pleasure and the inability to cope. If I could just get one more hit everything would be alright.
signed,
King Baby!
4 years ago
Just though the thought of having an affair with someone is exhausting.