APPLICATION FOR A PIECE OF ASS
,© Copywong 2020
APPLICATION FOR A PEICE OF ASS
Ever gone out on a date only to discover in the first thirty seconds that you are completely incompatible with each other? She's a little bit country and you're a little bit psychotic sniper? Being single, and having done hard time at The Masturbation Emporium, it's clear that the moment has come to start using a precise screening process of my own to save everyone involved a lot of embarrassment.
Simply fill in the boxes and answer the questions that apply to you the best you can, then hit the trusty "Email" button at the bottom, and hey presto - if there's any chance at all for us I'll contact you for some nude photos! (Note: it doesn't work properly for AOL and WebTV users, but gorgeous young female AOLers and WebTVers are encouraged to send in their nude pics anyway.)
First name (or nickname):
Gender:
Female.
Male.
Hermaphrodite.
Transsexual.
Other.
Distance from New York:
0 miles.
Less than 50 miles.
Where the hell is New York?
Social status:
Single.
Divorced.
Separated.
Widowed.
Married.
Alien.
Other.
Age:
Too young to be reading this.
21-37.
Too old.
Other.
Occupation:
Unemployed.
Student.
Crack pusher.
Prostitute.
Job you hate.
Job you love.
Supermodel.
Currently in prison.
Semi retired.
Retired.
All of the above.
None of the above.
Height:
Horse jockey.
Basketball star.
Weight:
Calista Flockhart.
Aretha Franklin.
Hair color:
Blonde.
Brunette.
Redhead.
Neon Green.
Bleached white.
Gray.
Blue.
Multicolored.
Bald.
Body parts with piercings:
Ears.
Nose.
Lips.
Navel.
Genitals.
Tongue.
Eyebrow.
Skull.
Religious beliefs:
Hare Krishna.
Jehovah's Witness.
Mormon.
None
First Church Of Pac-man.
Other.
Education:
Kindergarten.
High school.
Some college.
Many years of college.
Many years of prison.
Many years in the salt mine.
Many years in the asylum.
Bachelor's degree.
Master's degree.
Doctorate.
None of the above.
Plato was a:
Plumber.
Barber.
Quarterback.
Philosopher.
How do you feel about c***dren?
Never enough.
Too many already.
Make cheap laborers.
They eat too much.
Can't wait for them to move out.
Smoking habits:
Don't smoke.
Quitting.
Occasional smoker.
Smoker.
Pipe or cigar smoker.
Chain smoker.
Human chimney.
Drinking habits:
Never touch the stuff.
Drink lightly at social gatherings.
Drink heavily at social gatherings.
Drink alone frequently.
Serious boozer.
Woke up this morning and I got myself a beer.
d**gs of choice:
Caffeine.
Tobacco.
Alcohol.
Marijuana.
Mushrooms.
Acid.
Crack.
Heroin.
Speed.
Horse tranquilizer.
Flinstones chewable Valium.
Orange juice.
All of the above and more.
What kind of a relationship are you looking for?
Commitment free sex.
Platonic friends or pen pals only.
Friend to bump uglies with if the chemistry is right.
House husband.
Hot lesbian action.
Gigolo.
Sex slave.
Someone to tie me up.
Marry me first and I'll figure it out later.
Soap opera romance ending happily ever after.
All of the above.
Contagious diseases:
None.
One.
Two.
More than two.
Favorite Free Sexual Position
Doggie style.
Wrap around butt grab.
Crazy upside-down squat.
Butterfly.
69.
Kneeling pretzel.
All of the above.
Other.
Preferred method of birth control:
None.
Condom.
Sponge.
Pill.
Vasectomy.
Hysterectomy.
Castration.
Abstinence.
Political tendencies:
Commie.
Nazi.
Bleeding heart.
Anarchist.
Radical.
Rhinosouras.
Other.
Fitness:
I could kick Stalone's ass with all my limbs chopped off.
I have several Olympic gold medals and I eat Wheaties daily.
I rode my bicycle to the nearest donut shop once.
Does that include typing?
My elbow still works okay.
I get all the exercise I need drinking beer and watching sports on TV.
Exercise only makes me feel too energetic.
Outdoor activities:
Horseback riding.
Weekend fish cleaner.
Climbed Everest a while back.
Take pictures and show them to me when you get home.
Is the damn climate control in my bubble busted again?
Psychological condition:
Lunatic.
Basketcase.
Fruitcake.
Nutball.
Serial killer.
Neurotic.
Completely insane.
Fully recovered.
Perfectly normal since birth.
Personality type:
Introvert.
Extrovert.
Intellectual.
Geek.
Artsy.
Yuppie.
Vampire.
Hippie.
Cowgirl.
Heartless bitch.
Stick figure death animator.
Jock.
Party a****l.
Headbanger.
Gypsy.
Oprah.
Arshole.
Other.
How would you describe your sense of humor?
Is this application supposed to be funny?
One sarcastic remark and I'll bite your friggin' head off - and not your big head either!
Make me laugh and I'll go for the good-looking rich guy in the Trans-camaro.
I find The Three Stooges hilarious.
I have a terrific sense of humor - no really....
Comments:
Email Address:
URL (if applicable):
Okay, if you are male your odds here are extremely dismal, so you might want to fill out the Application For Permission To Date Dream Artist's Daughter instead.