Billets41

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. “No thank you,” she said politely. “This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.” “That must be rather difficult.” the man replied. “Oh, I don’t mind too much,” she said. “But, it has my husband pretty upset.”… Lire la suite

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed. The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.… Lire la suite

One day, the maid asked Portia for a raise. Upset at the suggestion, her employer asked, “Now, Darcy, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?” “There are three reasons,” announced Darcy confidently. “The first is that I iron better than you.” “Says who?” asked Portia. “Your husband.” “Oh.” “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you,” continued Darcy. “Who said that?” “Your husband.” “OK.” “The third reason,” concluded Darcy, driving her point home, “is that I am better at sex than you.” Sensing a pattern, a concerned Portia asked, “Did my husba… Lire la suite

A 45-year-old woman had a heart attack and was immediately transported to the hospital. While she was in surgery she had a supernatural, near-death experience. She met God and asked him: “Has my time come?” “No,” he answered, “you have 43 years, 2 months and 8 more days to live.” After she recovered, the woman decided to stay at the hospital and do some plastic surgery on her face, a liposuction, breast enlargement and abdominal fat removal. She also called a hair stylist to change her hairstyle and an orthodontist to perform a ‘teeth lifting.’ She figured, if s… Lire la suite

Matty’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. “Is this really a wanted person?” Matty asked, pointing at a picture. “Yes,” answered the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to capture him.” Then Matty said, “Well then, why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”… Lire la suite

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to......to....cut it off are you?!" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."… Lire la suite

A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend. They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation: "Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. Okay. Bye-bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonder… Lire la suite

A Married Couple are out one night at a Dance Club. There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large: break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says "See that guy? 20 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." The husband says, "Looks like he's still celebrating!"… Lire la suite

An elderly man walked into a confessional booth. The following conversation ensued: Man: "I am 82 years old, and have a wonderful wife of 60 years; many c***dren; grandc***dren; and even a couple of great grandc***dren. "Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. For some reason, they thought I was kind of interesting. One thing led to another, and we ended up at a motel where I had sex with each of them twice." Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?" Man: "What sins?" Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?" Man: "I'm Presbyterian." Priest: "Why are you telling me all this… Lire la suite

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine c***dren. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine k**s are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR sti… Lire la suite

A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Lookin… Lire la suite

A friend has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. He paid $1,700.00 for each ticket. He did not realize at the time he bought them that this was going to be on the same day as the wedding - so he can't go. If you are interested and would like to go in his place, it's at St. Peter's Church in New York City, at 5:00PM. Her name is Nancy, she's 5'4", about 115 pounds, good cook, makes $150,000 a year! She will be the one in the white dress.… Lire la suite

Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.' He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my fe… Lire la suite

I am 55 years old and I have just realized I still have so many unanswered questions! I never found out who let the dogs out... the way to get to Sesame Street... why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps... why we don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"... why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed... why "abbreviated" is such a long word... why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons... why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections... and, why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your th… Lire la suite

A guy is walking around in a supermarket yelling, "Cris-co, Cris-co?" A store clerk says to him, "Sir, the Crisco is in Aisle Five." He says, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I'm calling my wife." The clerk says, "Your wife is named Crisco'?" He says, "No, I only call her that in public." The clerk says, "What do you call her when you're home?" He says, "Lard ass."… Lire la suite

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked. The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over." "That's not so bad, what's the big deal?" The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened?" the man asked… Lire la suite

Fred and Mary got married. But they can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies,… Lire la suite

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied... "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that sa… Lire la suite

A 75 year old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,'99'. The old guy obeys and says,'99'. The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check,… Lire la suite

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what’s your problem?” Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!” Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave… Lire la suite