I dont need a cigarette,i need a hug.....
This inspiration for this blog comes from someone else sadness..and mine too.
In the apartment complex where I live is a very nice younger couple. I see them a lot. They had two dogs..one younger, one younger. The younger one absolutely loved coming to my door to get me to come outside and play fetch with him. The older one..well..she was slow and not in the best of health. Well, the older one died and the woman of the couple was devastated. I didn't know her dog had died until a neighbor told me and I felt sad for her because I know exactly how much that hurts due to having a cat for 17 years named snowball that died and when she did it absolutely broke my soul for a while.
I didn't cam the other day and so early that evening I had my door open and box fans put in the doorway to suck cool air in my house (cheap air conditioning). OLLIE...the younger couples dog..he came to my door wanting me to come outside, so I did. I saw the girl and told her to was sorry to hear about her dog. Poor thing...she was so broken and so raw that she came to me and I held her as she cried for a good 10-15 minutes. She needed to cry like that..let it all out. I could tell. I hugged her and soothed her and let her cry all she wanted. After a while, she went back upstairs and I came back upstairs and reflected internally on what had just happened.
That few minutes of her hugging me and me hugging her...i needed that as much as she did. Its been a long time since anyone has hugged me..and it felt good. I didn't hug her for selfish, self-serving reasons but in that moment of helping her, she unknowingly helped me to. Even as someone who is an expert on being alone day after day I still long for simple affection and I rarely get it and when I do its nice.
and getting that few moments of hugging brought me to a moment of reflection after it was over...
that I was a person, over the years, I have been guilty of something that just about everyone else does. Longing for something and because I don't have it I tried to compensate by using a substitute to fill in the empty holes.
Lack of love and self-esteem and self-worth created painful black holes in me that led me to horribly selfish men who promised love and gave none.
Pain from loneliness and depression caused by those men led me to cigarettes and crying and eating too damn much and gaining weight.
Try to fill one hole...create a bigger one.
a reverse shovel...digging further in instead of out.
This is what happens when you are a novice in knowing how building and construction works..no knowledge and improper tools lead to shitty handy work.
I can't be completely blamed. Those that should have taught me how to build never did.. I had to figure things out on my own and you know how that works.
so here I am...figuring out that substitutes for things you won't don't work. That stand-ins don't really stand up for long. You long for love? Alcohol...cigarettes...d**gs...one night stands....not gonna cut it. The heart will never be satisfied with anything other then what it originally asked for. You can fool yourself thinking you fixed something with something else but eventually, the truth comes up that you were just lying to your own soul and by doing so you wasted time on a bullshit solution that perhaps just created a bigger deeper problem.
" best to do things right the first time" as they say.
Im listening to some more pretty music on youtube from one of my playlists. Its called SHOEGAZE. Shoegaze is slow, dreamy, pretty stuff. I really love music from a group called CIGARETTES AFTER SEX. Here is some of their music
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDJPpG8e4n4&list=PL4pGkk3QBW2-KpKKD-M5SYLmUJ4sBkD4P&index=1
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wha6bFmUtCA&list=PL4pGkk3QBW2-KpKKD-M5SYLmUJ4sBkD4P&index=2
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLqfkSTtEAI&list=PL4pGkk3QBW2-KpKKD-M5SYLmUJ4sBkD4P&index=3
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUf1LpYlJ74&list=PL4pGkk3QBW2-KpKKD-M5SYLmUJ4sBkD4P&index=4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2Jz3vMYSJc&list=PL4pGkk3QBW2-KpKKD-M5SYLmUJ4sBkD4P&index=5
here is another by MAZZY STAR
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-uJ61jgFCMM&list=PL4pGkk3QBW2-KpKKD-M5SYLmUJ4sBkD4P&index=14
And another by LORD HURON
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KtlgYxa6BMU&list=PL4pGkk3QBW2-KpKKD-M5SYLmUJ4sBkD4P&index=14
Here is a link to my SHOEGAZE/DREAM POP playlist on youtube if you want to listen
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDJPpG8e4n4&list=PL4pGkk3QBW2-KpKKD-M5SYLmUJ4sBkD4P&index=1
everyone have a great day
In the apartment complex where I live is a very nice younger couple. I see them a lot. They had two dogs..one younger, one younger. The younger one absolutely loved coming to my door to get me to come outside and play fetch with him. The older one..well..she was slow and not in the best of health. Well, the older one died and the woman of the couple was devastated. I didn't know her dog had died until a neighbor told me and I felt sad for her because I know exactly how much that hurts due to having a cat for 17 years named snowball that died and when she did it absolutely broke my soul for a while.
I didn't cam the other day and so early that evening I had my door open and box fans put in the doorway to suck cool air in my house (cheap air conditioning). OLLIE...the younger couples dog..he came to my door wanting me to come outside, so I did. I saw the girl and told her to was sorry to hear about her dog. Poor thing...she was so broken and so raw that she came to me and I held her as she cried for a good 10-15 minutes. She needed to cry like that..let it all out. I could tell. I hugged her and soothed her and let her cry all she wanted. After a while, she went back upstairs and I came back upstairs and reflected internally on what had just happened.
That few minutes of her hugging me and me hugging her...i needed that as much as she did. Its been a long time since anyone has hugged me..and it felt good. I didn't hug her for selfish, self-serving reasons but in that moment of helping her, she unknowingly helped me to. Even as someone who is an expert on being alone day after day I still long for simple affection and I rarely get it and when I do its nice.
and getting that few moments of hugging brought me to a moment of reflection after it was over...
that I was a person, over the years, I have been guilty of something that just about everyone else does. Longing for something and because I don't have it I tried to compensate by using a substitute to fill in the empty holes.
Lack of love and self-esteem and self-worth created painful black holes in me that led me to horribly selfish men who promised love and gave none.
Pain from loneliness and depression caused by those men led me to cigarettes and crying and eating too damn much and gaining weight.
Try to fill one hole...create a bigger one.
a reverse shovel...digging further in instead of out.
This is what happens when you are a novice in knowing how building and construction works..no knowledge and improper tools lead to shitty handy work.
I can't be completely blamed. Those that should have taught me how to build never did.. I had to figure things out on my own and you know how that works.
so here I am...figuring out that substitutes for things you won't don't work. That stand-ins don't really stand up for long. You long for love? Alcohol...cigarettes...d**gs...one night stands....not gonna cut it. The heart will never be satisfied with anything other then what it originally asked for. You can fool yourself thinking you fixed something with something else but eventually, the truth comes up that you were just lying to your own soul and by doing so you wasted time on a bullshit solution that perhaps just created a bigger deeper problem.
" best to do things right the first time" as they say.
Im listening to some more pretty music on youtube from one of my playlists. Its called SHOEGAZE. Shoegaze is slow, dreamy, pretty stuff. I really love music from a group called CIGARETTES AFTER SEX. Here is some of their music
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDJPpG8e4n4&list=PL4pGkk3QBW2-KpKKD-M5SYLmUJ4sBkD4P&index=1
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wha6bFmUtCA&list=PL4pGkk3QBW2-KpKKD-M5SYLmUJ4sBkD4P&index=2
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLqfkSTtEAI&list=PL4pGkk3QBW2-KpKKD-M5SYLmUJ4sBkD4P&index=3
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUf1LpYlJ74&list=PL4pGkk3QBW2-KpKKD-M5SYLmUJ4sBkD4P&index=4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2Jz3vMYSJc&list=PL4pGkk3QBW2-KpKKD-M5SYLmUJ4sBkD4P&index=5
here is another by MAZZY STAR
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-uJ61jgFCMM&list=PL4pGkk3QBW2-KpKKD-M5SYLmUJ4sBkD4P&index=14
And another by LORD HURON
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KtlgYxa6BMU&list=PL4pGkk3QBW2-KpKKD-M5SYLmUJ4sBkD4P&index=14
Here is a link to my SHOEGAZE/DREAM POP playlist on youtube if you want to listen
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDJPpG8e4n4&list=PL4pGkk3QBW2-KpKKD-M5SYLmUJ4sBkD4P&index=1
everyone have a great day
4 years ago