A beginners' guide for back-door play
So you are wondering about ass play. Someone mentioned it, or you read a book. Maybe you watched a movie. Someone, somewhere, told you about anal sex, and now you're curious. Well, here is my understanding of it.
Before we begin, full disclosure. I, personally, am a straight male. For this reason and this reason alone I will use the terms "he" for the person on the "ramming end" (and I ask that you be gracious enough to excuse the phrasing) and "she" for the person on the "receiving end". This is for convenience only. I am not intending to insinuate anything, I am not offering judgement on alternative lifestyles. It is simply how I think and I am not insulting you, period. You are invited to substitute whatever pronouns you prefer as you read if you feel it right to do so.
Having said that, we are going to assume for the sake of this discussion that you folks donāt want to injure your partners AND that your partners do not wish to be injured. This brings us to an important point:
Lube is your friend.
If you think you have "enough" lube, use a little more. Her pussy produces it's own lubricant; while it is true that her ass technically does the same, all of you need to be aware that her ass produces very little of it's own natural lube - so you need to add more. Gallons? No, not gallons. But while you're being fingered and stretched, he should be adding lube to your slightly open hole, to his fingers, the toys, whatever. Once your ass is relaxed and open enough to consider taking a cock, then the cock gets lubed. Why not before? Lube dries out. Just wait for it, trust me. And, just as importantly gentlemen, if you happen to have enough stamina to start drying that lube out, then be willing to re-apply it.
A quick note regarding types of anal lube. They come in two basic formulations: water based and silicone based. Both have their pros and cons. For water based, the pros are that itās slick and itās inexpensive. The cons are that it dries out readily and is almost always sugar-based. Now, the drying out part could theoretically be addressed by adding a small amount of water, but not many people are interested in keeping a spray bottle of H2O on hand and misting themselves during sex. Youāll find that you will need to re-apply water based lube fairly often to avoid the issues created by a sugar-based solution beginning to dry out - to whit, it gets sticky. Thatās just not a fantastic choice for back door play. Silicone lube, on the other hand, has some great pros: fantastic longevity and is wonderfully silky smooth. The cons for silicone is that it has a tendency to stain fabric (as itās quite difficult to wash out), and it is a lot more expensive than water based. A good middle ground for most people is a hybrid water/silicone mix. Not prohibitively expensive, not nearly so prone to stain, and very smooth. After a certain amount of experimentation, this one is my personal choice.
Now that that is out of the way, a note about hygiene.
Everyone knows what an ass is for. Everyone knows what's in there. What they don't realize is that it's not full 100% of the time. Certain things, like eating, stimulate activity along the entirety of the digestive tract. Eat a meal and you can rest reasonably well assured that there will be matter that gets moved into position in the other end of the pipe over the course of roughly the next couple of hours. So, in short, if it is full - go empty it. If you start to play and something shows up, go empty it. Understand that playing in or inviting someone TO play in your ass will stimulate the system in much the same way as eating does, and (just like eating) that stimulation really only leads to one result - things move inside and may therefore show up. If you feel it necessary, keep a bowl of water handy with a cloth. If a mess occurs, clean it up and continue. The activity you are contemplating can be very pleasurable, but it does have risks and this is one of them. I will not here delve into the myriad facets of enema use; it is an entire can of worms that I don't have a great deal of experience with so I'm certainly not the best person to ask. What I will say is this: you're an adult. Take reasonable precautions and have fun.
Step one is always to find out if back door play is right for you. Regardless of whether you do this alone or with your partner, start small. Using a finger and a dollop of lube, find that little rubbery hole in the back and just simply rub. No penetration, not yet. Pay attention to how it feels. This is an important step for the uninitiated for one very simple reason:
not every person enjoys ass play.
This concept is what I refer to as Rule One. If you are one of them what don't like it, there's a very good chance that you will find that out here. If you discover that Rule One applies to you, then ... good. That is good. Now you know, and that is an important thing. Feel free to stop at any time with no judgement applied. It is your ass on the line, after all.
If you do like what you feel, that too is perfectly ok. That means it can if you like be time for step two: gentle insertion. Continue rubbing that little star, very gently. Allow yourself to relax, and allow yourself to feel that relaxation happen both inside your anus and under your fingertip. Your knot will gradually loosen as your body realizes there's no threat here. Once you can comfortably start wiggling the tip of your finger inside, feel free to do so. Your back door will relax and invite you in; you'll know. Again, pay attention to Rule One. It may still come into play, and if it does, that is quite all right. If it does not, then feel free to enjoy the experience of finger, followed by possibly fingers, eventually to be followed by toys and perhaps even a live partner. At every step, every time you choose to increase the size of the penetrant, pay attention to Rule One. It is always possible that you will discover the presence of a limit past which "good" does not describe what you feel. Do not get yourself hurt.
Multiple fingers-slash-toys-slash-full sized penis insertions need to be handled very carefully until you know what you're doing. First and foremost, go slowly. There are more nerve endings inside your ass than anywhere else in your body with the exception of your fingertips. Not only that, the tissue on the inside can be very, very delicate. If you rampage someone's ass like a bull in a China shop, you're gonna hurt them. Make no mistake here - with all those nerve endings, a thoughtless, hurried approach to anal with someone who's not both practiced AND ready can do actual injury to them. This will result in anguish for which the term "hurt" is woefully inadequate, so for the sake of your partner, just don't. Porn is the biggest offender here by a very wide margin. You see a happy starlet on screen with a male co-star; the guy is casually shoving his cock straight up her ass and she seems really happy to be there. What you DON'T see is all the preparation that happens off screen - the olive oil enema that cleans her out and lubes her insides, or the pre-shoot use of various, occasionally inflatable sex toys that stretch her out inside and make sure she's not going to scream in gut-shredding agony when someone wanders up and unexpectedly parks a Buick in her butthole. This cannot be overstated:
Outside of certain fetish videos, the cleanliness and ease of access in porn films are artificial and must not be trusted in the real world.
This is the next area where he needs to, if you'll forgive the phrasing, slow the fuck down. Put the head in, and be patient. Her insides will adapt to the invader in her guts if she is given time to do so. Ladies, when you feel ready for more, you have to be the one to speak up about it. Only then does he slowly give you more, and only until you say stop. Then you let yourself get used to his deeper presence, and the cycle continues. Those who discover that they enjoy anal sex are often able to arrive at a point where they are able to relax their insides and accept penetration; in some cases this is done almost as easily as accepting vaginal entry.
Like anything else, practice makes perfect. I have met a small number of people who are built in such a way that that they can actually go ahead and just "take it up the ass", and others who have practiced enough that they're comfortable with minimal preparation. MOST people will need to go slow and be careful. You won't know where on the spectrum you fall until you try, so be safe and be patient. You can get there if you want to, but it doesn't happen over night.
Before we begin, full disclosure. I, personally, am a straight male. For this reason and this reason alone I will use the terms "he" for the person on the "ramming end" (and I ask that you be gracious enough to excuse the phrasing) and "she" for the person on the "receiving end". This is for convenience only. I am not intending to insinuate anything, I am not offering judgement on alternative lifestyles. It is simply how I think and I am not insulting you, period. You are invited to substitute whatever pronouns you prefer as you read if you feel it right to do so.
Having said that, we are going to assume for the sake of this discussion that you folks donāt want to injure your partners AND that your partners do not wish to be injured. This brings us to an important point:
Lube is your friend.
If you think you have "enough" lube, use a little more. Her pussy produces it's own lubricant; while it is true that her ass technically does the same, all of you need to be aware that her ass produces very little of it's own natural lube - so you need to add more. Gallons? No, not gallons. But while you're being fingered and stretched, he should be adding lube to your slightly open hole, to his fingers, the toys, whatever. Once your ass is relaxed and open enough to consider taking a cock, then the cock gets lubed. Why not before? Lube dries out. Just wait for it, trust me. And, just as importantly gentlemen, if you happen to have enough stamina to start drying that lube out, then be willing to re-apply it.
A quick note regarding types of anal lube. They come in two basic formulations: water based and silicone based. Both have their pros and cons. For water based, the pros are that itās slick and itās inexpensive. The cons are that it dries out readily and is almost always sugar-based. Now, the drying out part could theoretically be addressed by adding a small amount of water, but not many people are interested in keeping a spray bottle of H2O on hand and misting themselves during sex. Youāll find that you will need to re-apply water based lube fairly often to avoid the issues created by a sugar-based solution beginning to dry out - to whit, it gets sticky. Thatās just not a fantastic choice for back door play. Silicone lube, on the other hand, has some great pros: fantastic longevity and is wonderfully silky smooth. The cons for silicone is that it has a tendency to stain fabric (as itās quite difficult to wash out), and it is a lot more expensive than water based. A good middle ground for most people is a hybrid water/silicone mix. Not prohibitively expensive, not nearly so prone to stain, and very smooth. After a certain amount of experimentation, this one is my personal choice.
Now that that is out of the way, a note about hygiene.
Everyone knows what an ass is for. Everyone knows what's in there. What they don't realize is that it's not full 100% of the time. Certain things, like eating, stimulate activity along the entirety of the digestive tract. Eat a meal and you can rest reasonably well assured that there will be matter that gets moved into position in the other end of the pipe over the course of roughly the next couple of hours. So, in short, if it is full - go empty it. If you start to play and something shows up, go empty it. Understand that playing in or inviting someone TO play in your ass will stimulate the system in much the same way as eating does, and (just like eating) that stimulation really only leads to one result - things move inside and may therefore show up. If you feel it necessary, keep a bowl of water handy with a cloth. If a mess occurs, clean it up and continue. The activity you are contemplating can be very pleasurable, but it does have risks and this is one of them. I will not here delve into the myriad facets of enema use; it is an entire can of worms that I don't have a great deal of experience with so I'm certainly not the best person to ask. What I will say is this: you're an adult. Take reasonable precautions and have fun.
Step one is always to find out if back door play is right for you. Regardless of whether you do this alone or with your partner, start small. Using a finger and a dollop of lube, find that little rubbery hole in the back and just simply rub. No penetration, not yet. Pay attention to how it feels. This is an important step for the uninitiated for one very simple reason:
not every person enjoys ass play.
This concept is what I refer to as Rule One. If you are one of them what don't like it, there's a very good chance that you will find that out here. If you discover that Rule One applies to you, then ... good. That is good. Now you know, and that is an important thing. Feel free to stop at any time with no judgement applied. It is your ass on the line, after all.
If you do like what you feel, that too is perfectly ok. That means it can if you like be time for step two: gentle insertion. Continue rubbing that little star, very gently. Allow yourself to relax, and allow yourself to feel that relaxation happen both inside your anus and under your fingertip. Your knot will gradually loosen as your body realizes there's no threat here. Once you can comfortably start wiggling the tip of your finger inside, feel free to do so. Your back door will relax and invite you in; you'll know. Again, pay attention to Rule One. It may still come into play, and if it does, that is quite all right. If it does not, then feel free to enjoy the experience of finger, followed by possibly fingers, eventually to be followed by toys and perhaps even a live partner. At every step, every time you choose to increase the size of the penetrant, pay attention to Rule One. It is always possible that you will discover the presence of a limit past which "good" does not describe what you feel. Do not get yourself hurt.
Multiple fingers-slash-toys-slash-full sized penis insertions need to be handled very carefully until you know what you're doing. First and foremost, go slowly. There are more nerve endings inside your ass than anywhere else in your body with the exception of your fingertips. Not only that, the tissue on the inside can be very, very delicate. If you rampage someone's ass like a bull in a China shop, you're gonna hurt them. Make no mistake here - with all those nerve endings, a thoughtless, hurried approach to anal with someone who's not both practiced AND ready can do actual injury to them. This will result in anguish for which the term "hurt" is woefully inadequate, so for the sake of your partner, just don't. Porn is the biggest offender here by a very wide margin. You see a happy starlet on screen with a male co-star; the guy is casually shoving his cock straight up her ass and she seems really happy to be there. What you DON'T see is all the preparation that happens off screen - the olive oil enema that cleans her out and lubes her insides, or the pre-shoot use of various, occasionally inflatable sex toys that stretch her out inside and make sure she's not going to scream in gut-shredding agony when someone wanders up and unexpectedly parks a Buick in her butthole. This cannot be overstated:
Outside of certain fetish videos, the cleanliness and ease of access in porn films are artificial and must not be trusted in the real world.
This is the next area where he needs to, if you'll forgive the phrasing, slow the fuck down. Put the head in, and be patient. Her insides will adapt to the invader in her guts if she is given time to do so. Ladies, when you feel ready for more, you have to be the one to speak up about it. Only then does he slowly give you more, and only until you say stop. Then you let yourself get used to his deeper presence, and the cycle continues. Those who discover that they enjoy anal sex are often able to arrive at a point where they are able to relax their insides and accept penetration; in some cases this is done almost as easily as accepting vaginal entry.
Like anything else, practice makes perfect. I have met a small number of people who are built in such a way that that they can actually go ahead and just "take it up the ass", and others who have practiced enough that they're comfortable with minimal preparation. MOST people will need to go slow and be careful. You won't know where on the spectrum you fall until you try, so be safe and be patient. You can get there if you want to, but it doesn't happen over night.
5 years ago