Måns-sters and Heroes
Swedish meat and balls. There's something about rugged Northern types that isn't found in the sunbodies of warmer climates. The skin and overt sex appeal isn't quite as on display -- those goose-down parkas and Kodiaks aren't going to have the lustpuppies dropping their skivvies and grabbing a bottle of poppers. But once in a while, the northern boys have their moments and strip off or at least leave no question of how they keep the bedrooms steamy hot.
One such Swede kick-started a fascination with the Land of Surströmming. (Actually it reinforced my love for a certain Swedish marvel of automobile engineering and not its love of rotten ('fermented') herring.)
It was 2014 and while I'd heard of this event called 'Eurovision', it was a complete unknown to me. Call it the bullshit narcissist obsession with navel-gazing in the United States of Self Adulation. If it doesn't involve the Land of the Free... "Frankly my dear, it ain't worth shit or the cow turd to rub *off* the shit."
So the average U.S. viewer hasn't got the faintest clue why Europe has some sort of vision problem it celebrates.
The Canadian gay channel, OutTV was airing Eurovision for the first time in 2014 and finally being able to watch the event in Copenhagen was too good to pass up. The various countries presented their entries - some so ludicrous it was actually entertaining in a jaw-dropping sort of way.
And then the Austrian entry stepped up with a throaty James Bond-ish rendition called 'Rise Like a Phoenix' and Conchita Wurst became a bonafide international sensation, complete with the Russian outrage at the decadence and perversion of the sordid and morally bankrupt Western world.
It was a real thrill and the rightful winner was chosen. Miss Conchita was gorgeous and diva-lighted, as one is when one dabs a tear amid the graceful and elegant climb to claim the chunk of glass.
It was great fun and I vowed to watch again if the opportunity presented itself the following year. It did.
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Vienna played host to Eurovision 2015 and things moved along nicely, with the occasional Euro hot guy taking the stage... until the sketch introducing the Swedish entry was shown.
("HOT damn. Who the HELL is *that* stud-muffin?:)
Damn... DAMN!!! Måns ('moanz') Zelmerlöw beamed his million watt smile and gay hearts round the world did a bit of an arrhythmia.
("... I would fuck that sonabi.... holy shit... who the hell *IS* that??"....)
Måns takes to the stage and sits, fat manly thighs and giant calf muscles signalling a jock was in the house. And the light show began...
https://youtu.be/5sGOwFVUU0I
Måns Zelmerlöw - Heroes (Sweden) - LIVE at Eurovision 2015 Grand Final
(".... lookit the freakin' guns on that mother... and that beard says there's a fine carpet of fur somewhere under that snug attire...")
Three frames are frozen in my mind's eye (well, wherever the lust sensor hangs out):
The first is at 00:34 when he crosses his leg and the obvious muscular calf and thick ankle strains at the black leather pants. Always a good sign that would - after stripping off those duds - reveal legs that call for falling to one's knees in reverent worshipping.
The second is at 01:18 to 01:20 when the leg hop showed a bounce in the butt that spelled, "Sturdy and mountable, with plenty of glute to max out on."
And the third was a repeat of the previous leg hop at 02:08 - 02:09, only this time, that back field was *really* in motion.
("... that bastard *knows* he's a tease... he's bouncing any asset that would make the Speedo fantasy even more insane...")
Later, after scouring the internet using the standard ' __insert_name__ NUDE NAKED ' search criteria, a video of the Swedish sex god would show him in a nude parody of Miley Cyrus swinging in from stage left, starkers and obviously shaved, waxed and powdered within an inch of his taint. A crime against man and his surging testosterone.
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More videos would show up - Måns nude at the 2016 Eurovision stage, deftly holding a stuffed wolf or some other rather grand-sized toy. A stuffed a****l half the size would cover what needed to clear the censors, yet the subconscious insinuation ' the bigger the toy, the bigger the... toy ' had to be made.
(Had the Måns-ster wheeled out *not* holding the toy, yet it was mysteriously held up with no other means of visible support... now *that* would have made a career highlight..... maybe in porn, but crossover genres work these days. Pop bands and porn aren't such a stretch. Or shouldn't be. Justin Timberlake could have a full work schedule in front of the camera if he decided to branch out.)
https://youtu.be/tkltmghw2AI
Måns Zelmerlöw nude on stage | Eurovision Song Contest 2016
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Måns leaping in and out of a hole in a frozen lake, albeit somewhat earlier in his career when he and his manager realized that millions of teen bean-flickers (as well as countless numbers of closeted jackers) were under the covers with flashlights at the sight of his naked skin.
A post-Eurovision morning photo of Måns attired in his bedwear with the top exposing a recently shaved chest with the forest regaining control of a treasure trail. A flood of natural light from a pensive pose in front of a window.. clad only in short-legged black boxer briefs - from a side angle.
(Swedes separate sexuality from nudity. So a hairy uncut slab of nude jock meat and a moist-and-delicious ass aren't supposed to cause sudden uncomfortable tightness in the crotch regions of admirers. Phew. Glad there's that distinction.)
His Jockness not to be outdone, he slipped into his bike marathon duds... latex, presumable woven but tight enough to have been painted. At one point, VPL attire was the uniform of swimmers and wrestlers but today, dickheads are seen next to the camel toes in line at the local grocery store. Yoga pants, biking shorts and other heavy-gauge pantyhose are quite the fashion statement as well as cash cows for the sports attire outlets.
So the Swedish warbler knows he's a hot commodity and wisely cashes in on it to drum up business for his band, his foundation supporting African communities and the various tours.
A bit of controversy initially shook the Zelmerlöw publicity train (no, he's not a homophobe) and subsequent interviews would show he wouldn't be opposed to going out on a date with a guy (sparking the question of whether he'd put out on the first date).
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The reality is that this guy has paid his dues in the world of Swedish entertainment. He's tried a few different routes and styles -- and despite his ability to fulfill a fantasy or two, his relative squeaky clean image makes him poster-idol approved by moms and dads. The host of Allsång på Skansen ('Sing-along at Skansen', a Swedish show held at Skansen, Stockholm, every summer on Tuesdays) Måns was the host for the 2011 to 2013 seasons. The audience is supposed to sing-along with musical guests to well-known Swedish songs. Starting in 1935 with about 50 people in the audience, today it's televised and about 10,000–25,500 people come to each performance.
Highly popular, wholesome family entertainment with a bit of national heritage thrown in. Sweden the Good. Makes the rest of us feel like a bunch of perverts for gushing over soft-porn like 'Big Brother' or 'Jersey Shore' by comparison.
https://youtu.be/JXMKRj_z4n8
Allsång på Skansen 2013 - 'Stockholm I Mitt Hjärta' by Måns Zelmerlöw
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{{ A side note: Just speculating here but it seems the higher priced tickets get the seats and the crowd barriers keep the riffraff back where the squealing fans are. A previous reference to the hip-hop duo Norlie & KKV explains who the lust bundle is in that bunch and here they do their thing at Allsång på Skansen, singing their delightful ditty, 'Ingen annan rör mig som du' ('Nobody else touches me like you do'). English lyrics: https://tinyurl.com/yb7qvx9d
"...Know that you're not good for me "...It feels like we go there together in fear and
Think I need you anyway wait for the summer
We see each other, have sex sometimes Who cares about the winter, about the spring,
You call your ex sometimes, what the hell is happening about the autumn, it works in the summer
We both probably know that we see other people We fight, we scream, we fuck, we close our eyes
But we close our eyes when we do it with each other..." together and fall asleep. But when will we wake up?... "
https://youtu.be/YZxaOkEovps
Norlie & KKV - Ingen annan rör mig som du - LIVE Allsång på Skansen 2015
The Gentle Reader will note the lack of enthusiasm in the seated sections where the Dads, Moms and Gentility are seated while the fringe (the General Admission crowd) is going berserk over that dishy Kim Vandenhag and -- to a lesser extent -- 'Norlie' (Sonny Fahlberg). The Seats are not amused at the lyrics and hip-hop-iness of 'Those Two' gushing on about extracurricular fucking... in front of tender virginal ears of ladies as young as 8 or 9 years of age.
Their facial expressions -- rather, lack thereof -- speak volumes of their disapproval and the chaste tepid applause from the Seats is in extreme contrast to the close-to-orgasm excitement of the fringe. Maybe the 'wholesome family entertainment' needs to also appeal to teens ravaged by hormones? (Or middle-aged folks who wish they had more?) }}
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Born in the university city of Lund in southern Sweden, Måns came from a family of intelligencia; his mother is a professor in speech and language pathology at Lund University and his father is a surgeon.
Although minus a steady flow of girlfriends that are the rock-solid, undeniable and totally conclusive *proof* that some guy is a true hetero, we're led to believe a hot guy with a ravageable body can still be a church-goer and a virgin who only dates his hand, right? I mean, just look at the legions of married men who must be enamored by puss and wouldn't *think* of getting or taking a cock or two (ohhh... well... that's the way it's *supposed* to be.)
{Yeah... all you hetero guys who are so straight you're cruising a profile devoted to cock, balls and taking it up the ass are fine with calling yourself straight... which is cool with me... but for some, it could be dicey to convince others who might walk through the door right now that you stumbled onto this page by mistake. Which is cool with me as well.)
So yes, his marriage and quick spawning ability puts an end to any rumours of cock-adoration on his part. Past guy-pals were just that.... past and pals. We all have a past and we all have pals, so there's nothing unusual about that.
Maybe.
Time will tell. It always does. Rock Hudson kept a close secret from the public for almost his entire life. "No comment" is often equal to an indictment.
There are lots of Scandinavian men -- make that *all* northern men -- who don't get the attention they deserve and have earned. The Sunbelt set gets far more recognition - mostly because photos of some carved and ripped guy spread-eagled on a frozen beach in a snowdrift just don't fire up the loins quite like an oiled and sweat-covered chunk of ass in the blazing sun.
So here's to those northern stud-muffins who show that snowballs can be hot and icicles aren't the only things in the north that grow longer and harder.
As for Eurovision being about song and not politics? We'll see how Eurovision 2019 pans out in TelAviv.
That is, *if* principled viewers follow the conscience of the BDS agenda which places life and justice above ditties about cheesecake.
https://youtu.be/tImGMW-4eHY
Teo - Cheesecake (Belarus) LIVE Eurovision Song Contest 2014 Grand Final
Jaw-dropping.
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6 years ago