2. I Was Hurting.......Do all Guys Hate Me?
FUCK ! I Was Hurting, Do all Guys Hate Me?
Well its close to April 1972.
I Got hurt by 2 guys, a year older than me.
Is that the life for me?
No I could not bare the thought.
I was hurting physically and mentally.
Oh God, what do I do?
Can I Survive?
Is this it?
I can't keep crying, who do I tell?
Now I hear the words in my mind.
Bloody fag, queer, scum, dirty bastard.
No I can't be, can I?
Do I tell dad, I hurt, doctors?
No its back to me, a lad, under 16.
I can't go out, mum says I'm so quiet.
Its hell, my mind is in turmoil.
I tell my parents I hate work.
I need to get away from the hate, I hurt.
I cry, Jesus, what do I do?
Got to tell bosses I hate college, move me
No they can't, things said by them to me, don't help.
Decide, I need to decide.
Tell Dad I am no good at job, that will satisfy
I leave, Dad signs me off.
Dilemma, what now?
Wait, thats it!
Wait, not long and find out, is the world just HATE?
16 years and 2 days. it was a Saturday.
Dressed in my hidden lingerie, trousers and jacket covers well, went into Lincoln and to the toilets.
I know seedy, but I needed to find out if I was attractive or if I was just a BIG LOSER.
I set up in 1 of the toilets.
Took off my outer clothes.
I was shaking.
Is it to be HATE ?
Looking in a stained mirror.
I see a pretty young lady, is that me?
Nice in black stockings, bra, suspender belt, 2 inch ladies shoes, and black knickers.
I open my bag, get out 2 inch ladies shoes, black
Hearing someone, I open the door, what am I doing?
My need to find out wins.
I lean up on the door side.
Things begin to blur with time what exactly happened.
Well in the 2 hours on that Saturday i had sexual liaisons with 8 guys, I remember, 4, I wanked off, 3, I sucked, and the last sucked me off, he was very nice and kind as were all the others.
Some wanted to kiss, that was the first time I had tongues shoved into my mouth, (still seems strange even now).
I looked into all their eyes, and for those moments I was with them, I got the answer I had so dared to dream of.
They loved me, not love as I love wife, but it wasn't dirty or sordid, they didn't force me to do anything I didn't want to, unlike sadly weeks previously at college.
Their hearts were mine, I saw I had some special effect on them.
Sounds so big headed, but I don't mean it to be.
They all wanted to give me something, I said only so I could buy some supper on the way home and a taxi.
Vary amounts 50 pences, £1, £2.
I got £10.50, total, didn't look upon it as anything else other than what I had suggested.
Then put my over clothes over lingerie after cleaning up and swilling mouth out.
Close to 10 pm went to Broadgate chippy and felt great, I sat in the back restaurant, basically alone eating a lovely fish and chips supper, and my head was spinning.
What Had I Achieved?
I WAS LOVED.
I Cried with joy in my bedroom after the taxi home.
Well its close to April 1972.
I Got hurt by 2 guys, a year older than me.
Is that the life for me?
No I could not bare the thought.
I was hurting physically and mentally.
Oh God, what do I do?
Can I Survive?
Is this it?
I can't keep crying, who do I tell?
Now I hear the words in my mind.
Bloody fag, queer, scum, dirty bastard.
No I can't be, can I?
Do I tell dad, I hurt, doctors?
No its back to me, a lad, under 16.
I can't go out, mum says I'm so quiet.
Its hell, my mind is in turmoil.
I tell my parents I hate work.
I need to get away from the hate, I hurt.
I cry, Jesus, what do I do?
Got to tell bosses I hate college, move me
No they can't, things said by them to me, don't help.
Decide, I need to decide.
Tell Dad I am no good at job, that will satisfy
I leave, Dad signs me off.
Dilemma, what now?
Wait, thats it!
Wait, not long and find out, is the world just HATE?
16 years and 2 days. it was a Saturday.
Dressed in my hidden lingerie, trousers and jacket covers well, went into Lincoln and to the toilets.
I know seedy, but I needed to find out if I was attractive or if I was just a BIG LOSER.
I set up in 1 of the toilets.
Took off my outer clothes.
I was shaking.
Is it to be HATE ?
Looking in a stained mirror.
I see a pretty young lady, is that me?
Nice in black stockings, bra, suspender belt, 2 inch ladies shoes, and black knickers.
I open my bag, get out 2 inch ladies shoes, black
Hearing someone, I open the door, what am I doing?
My need to find out wins.
I lean up on the door side.
Things begin to blur with time what exactly happened.
Well in the 2 hours on that Saturday i had sexual liaisons with 8 guys, I remember, 4, I wanked off, 3, I sucked, and the last sucked me off, he was very nice and kind as were all the others.
Some wanted to kiss, that was the first time I had tongues shoved into my mouth, (still seems strange even now).
I looked into all their eyes, and for those moments I was with them, I got the answer I had so dared to dream of.
They loved me, not love as I love wife, but it wasn't dirty or sordid, they didn't force me to do anything I didn't want to, unlike sadly weeks previously at college.
Their hearts were mine, I saw I had some special effect on them.
Sounds so big headed, but I don't mean it to be.
They all wanted to give me something, I said only so I could buy some supper on the way home and a taxi.
Vary amounts 50 pences, £1, £2.
I got £10.50, total, didn't look upon it as anything else other than what I had suggested.
Then put my over clothes over lingerie after cleaning up and swilling mouth out.
Close to 10 pm went to Broadgate chippy and felt great, I sat in the back restaurant, basically alone eating a lovely fish and chips supper, and my head was spinning.
What Had I Achieved?
I WAS LOVED.
I Cried with joy in my bedroom after the taxi home.
6 years ago
