A few Irish jokes
"Taking a walk in the country"
Paddy was taking a walk in the country. In a field he noticed something that intrigued him. Why doesn't this cow have any horns? He asked the local farmer.
"Well sir, cattle can do damage with their horns so we usually keep them trimmed down with a hacksaw. You can also treat young calves so their horns never grow. And some breeds don't have any horns at all," the farmer replied.
The farmer continued, "But this cow doesn't have any horns because it is a horse!"
"Stupid wives"
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought ÂŁ300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a freezer to keep it in."
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent ÂŁ17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both fell out of the stupid tree and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!"
"Paddy & Murphy Get the Day Off"
Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy 'Iâm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!'
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home.'
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
'I canât work in the friggin dark! âSays Murphy.
"Paddy burnt to death"
Paddy died in a house fire and was very badly burnt. So to help with the identification the coroner asked his two best friends if they were willing to identify the body.
Shaun & Michael agreed and Shaun went first. âJesus he is burnedâ he exclaimed âCould you turn him overâ asked Shaun.
The coroner asked how that would help.
Well says Shaun âYou see now Paddy had two arseholesâ
âTwo arseholesâ says the coroner.
âAyeâ says Shaun. So they rolled Paddy over and Shaun says âThatâs no Paddyâ
Next Michael is asked to identify the body âMother of god he is burnedâ he exclaimed âCould you turn him overâ asked Michael.
So they rolled Paddy over and Michael says âThatâs no Paddyâ
So the coroner asked if they were both sure it wasnât Paddy and the two friends in unison said âAye, if we were all going into town together people would say âThere goes Paddy with the two arseholesâ
Paddy was taking a walk in the country. In a field he noticed something that intrigued him. Why doesn't this cow have any horns? He asked the local farmer.
"Well sir, cattle can do damage with their horns so we usually keep them trimmed down with a hacksaw. You can also treat young calves so their horns never grow. And some breeds don't have any horns at all," the farmer replied.
The farmer continued, "But this cow doesn't have any horns because it is a horse!"
"Stupid wives"
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought ÂŁ300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a freezer to keep it in."
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent ÂŁ17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both fell out of the stupid tree and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!"
"Paddy & Murphy Get the Day Off"
Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy 'Iâm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!'
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home.'
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
'I canât work in the friggin dark! âSays Murphy.
"Paddy burnt to death"
Paddy died in a house fire and was very badly burnt. So to help with the identification the coroner asked his two best friends if they were willing to identify the body.
Shaun & Michael agreed and Shaun went first. âJesus he is burnedâ he exclaimed âCould you turn him overâ asked Shaun.
The coroner asked how that would help.
Well says Shaun âYou see now Paddy had two arseholesâ
âTwo arseholesâ says the coroner.
âAyeâ says Shaun. So they rolled Paddy over and Shaun says âThatâs no Paddyâ
Next Michael is asked to identify the body âMother of god he is burnedâ he exclaimed âCould you turn him overâ asked Michael.
So they rolled Paddy over and Michael says âThatâs no Paddyâ
So the coroner asked if they were both sure it wasnât Paddy and the two friends in unison said âAye, if we were all going into town together people would say âThere goes Paddy with the two arseholesâ
7 years ago
Shamus had to go to Paddy's house to tell Paddy's wife, Gail, that he had been killed at work in the brewery.
Gail said "OH my! I hope it wasn't a very painful accident and poor Paddy didn't suffer!"
Shamus told her Paddy's death wasn't painful as he had drowned after falling in a vat of beer.
Gail said, "Oh My! I hope it was a Quick death!"
Shamus said, "Well Gail, it wasn't very quick, Paddy got out 3 times to go take a piss!"