Something I found really funny
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes
to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the
Astrodome.
The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who
was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chilli cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to
the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy
and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so
I accepted".
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of c***dren. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more
beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced
from all of the beer.
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scr****g across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is
starting to look HOT. . . just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!
Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me
to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance
of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge #3-- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
like poop to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know
what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm
not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3
passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chilli?
They actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes
to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the
Astrodome.
The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who
was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chilli cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to
the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy
and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so
I accepted".
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of c***dren. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more
beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced
from all of the beer.
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scr****g across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is
starting to look HOT. . . just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!
Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me
to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance
of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge #3-- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
like poop to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know
what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm
not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3
passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chilli?
8 years ago
One time I sliced up a little Jamaican "Scotch Bonnet" pepper, and without thinking I put my finger in my mouth. Damn, I thought my finger had put a hole right through my tongue!! I needed to eat some yoghurt right away, about the only thing that helps a bit. Then I felt extremely grateful that I hadn't touched my eye or any other critical body part. Lesson learned: wear latex gloves when handling super hot peppers, and be very careful.