The dangerous myth of "safe words"
There are few more dangerous, preposterous, utterly pointless myths out there in the than urban legend of the "safe word". Somewhere back in the 70's some (probably well meaning) sex guru came up with the idea that it would be a good idea that while folks in the "Hardcore BDSM" world were playing their games, that they should have a "safe word". The idea was that during BDSM "play" it might be possible that someone might like to say "no" and not really mean no... or "stop" but not really mean stop... so they would come up with another word or phrase that actually meant what those words meant... when they really meant those words... because they thought that would somehow be a good idea.
And people actually bought into it as Dogma.
(And no, not the fun, Kevin Smith kind of Dogma, the rigidly taught, lock step - "We are going to call you a heretic and drum you out of the body of believers and burn you at the stake if you don't believe this shit." sort of Dogma.)
Admittedly, much of that was taught to folks as fact by folks who had never actually practiced BDSM in real life much... the same sort that come away from reading 50 Shades of Gray and think they have a very good handle on the "Lifestyle" - or who spend their time cruising online BDSM dungeons and playing Dom and subbie online and are just SURE that they know everything about what a good BDSM relationship is all about...
I recently almost allowed myself to get into a penis-ing contest on someone else's FaceCrack[tm] post on the subject, when I tried to make a joke about how the concept of "safe words" was really an oxymoron and that the only safe words we needed were "no" and "stop" and basically was told:
"HERP DERP, YOU AREN'T DOING IT RIGHT"
...and when I tried to clarify my point:
"YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THE SEXORS"
... and just about the time the original owner of the post was going to call us on holding a wang-jousting contest on her wall, I went back and quite happily deleted all my comments - and shaking the dust from my feet I happily moved on.
Internet poseurs aside, in the real world there is very little in the world of BDSM where the subject of safe words actually would come into play, and even where it does, it is an INCREDIBLY dangerous practice. The only place where it really ever comes up is in places where one is engaging in "**** Play" - where one is seeking to engage in someone's **** fantasy. Considering how many people in the world have actually been sexually assaulted, the percentage of people in the BDSM community that are actually and legitimately interested in full-on **** play is relatively small subset of the whole... it is NOT what BDSM is about universally by any means, so to assume that everyone in BDSM needs to have a safe word is just silly.
Further, by its nature, by agreeing with a partner to engage in **** play - a SIMULATED **** - whatever else is going on, you are for all intents in purposes engaging in what is a SCRIPTED theatrical event. Admittedly, one that is hopefully done well enough that you can (at some level) suspend your disbelief long enough to engage your fantasy.
If one would somehow lose oneself in the experience to the point that you would go "off script" and it would suddenly no longer be a "theatrical event"... it would quickly become an actual ****. Though at this point the thought going through your head would be, "oh, and now I would use my 'safe word' and everything is going to be ok"... right?
...except by the point that you realize that you are off script and are no longer comfortable, you are already being ****d.
...and by the time they recognize that you used the safe word and process that it actually was the safe word... (and give you a couple more thrusts/punches/lashes to give you time to make sure that they heard you right and that you weren't just playing around...) they are probably toying with the idea of "finishing"... they are really close to coming, and they know you like pushing your limits - you will probably thank them for it later...
(all of that of course assumes that they didn't start off their **** play by putting a gag in your mouth, or shoving a cock or dildo down your throat...)
...so much for that **** "fantasy"... this is now a **** reality.
In my opinion, the only safe words you should ever need are "NO" and "STOP".
We have been training men that "NO MEANS NO" for quite some time now with very poor results. I think a big part of why that is is because despite the fact that this should be a very cut and dry statement, the fact remains that people keep coming up with excuses for why "NO" doesn't mean "NO"... and that shit needs to stop.
The reality here is that where "**** play" comes in, you just need to remember that you are following a script, and that it is a script that you write... just write it in ways that don't include the words "NO" or "STOP"... Heck, if you wanted to use "Umbrella" or "Wombat" in place of "No" or "Stop" as safe words... use those words in your **** play in their place!
(...although I am not sure that "UMBRELLA! WOMBAT r****g ME!" wouldn't do anything but end up making you laugh... but **** fantasy isn't really my thing. People that have actually been ****d rarely find that sort of thing very interesting.)
The other places that people suggest that you need a safe word generally comes in the application of pain.
That said, I am of the opinion that relying on safe words during the application of pain is not terribly helpful. I have found that those that use "no" or "stop" when they are being caned/flogged/spanked/etc. who "don't really mean it" tend to be automatically reinforced by that behavior if they have a safe word to rely on. If they say something and don't mean it, they should be held to what they say. In my world if they say stop... I stop and they don't get any more of what they want, and it doesn't take long at all for them to figure out not to say shit unless they actually mean it...
As for relying on a safe word to tell a Top/Dom/Domme/Master/Mistress/Sir/Madam when their bottom/sub/slave/slut/whore has had enough, that is even less reliable. By all means, if they can't take it, aren't into it, or need a different tool or technique they can tell you that bit... but if they have slid down the mountainside into subspace, you can cut their ass off with a chainsaw and they wouldn't be able to tell you what their safe word was, what it was used for... or what planet they were on... So it creates a false sense of security for the "Bigs" to rely on the "littles" to give them audible cues... you need to be able to read your partner(s) and not just keep wailing away at them until your shoulder gives out, you draw blood, or run out of needles/hooks/rope/clamps/binders/orifices/toys.
Personally, I did enough of this to get good at it because I had past partners who needed it. It never really did much for me... on either side of the equation. I do worry however when I see well intentioned people continuing to put out that same old tired saw about "safe words" like it is the gospel truth, when nothing can be further than...
And people actually bought into it as Dogma.
(And no, not the fun, Kevin Smith kind of Dogma, the rigidly taught, lock step - "We are going to call you a heretic and drum you out of the body of believers and burn you at the stake if you don't believe this shit." sort of Dogma.)
Admittedly, much of that was taught to folks as fact by folks who had never actually practiced BDSM in real life much... the same sort that come away from reading 50 Shades of Gray and think they have a very good handle on the "Lifestyle" - or who spend their time cruising online BDSM dungeons and playing Dom and subbie online and are just SURE that they know everything about what a good BDSM relationship is all about...
I recently almost allowed myself to get into a penis-ing contest on someone else's FaceCrack[tm] post on the subject, when I tried to make a joke about how the concept of "safe words" was really an oxymoron and that the only safe words we needed were "no" and "stop" and basically was told:
"HERP DERP, YOU AREN'T DOING IT RIGHT"
...and when I tried to clarify my point:
"YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THE SEXORS"
... and just about the time the original owner of the post was going to call us on holding a wang-jousting contest on her wall, I went back and quite happily deleted all my comments - and shaking the dust from my feet I happily moved on.
Internet poseurs aside, in the real world there is very little in the world of BDSM where the subject of safe words actually would come into play, and even where it does, it is an INCREDIBLY dangerous practice. The only place where it really ever comes up is in places where one is engaging in "**** Play" - where one is seeking to engage in someone's **** fantasy. Considering how many people in the world have actually been sexually assaulted, the percentage of people in the BDSM community that are actually and legitimately interested in full-on **** play is relatively small subset of the whole... it is NOT what BDSM is about universally by any means, so to assume that everyone in BDSM needs to have a safe word is just silly.
Further, by its nature, by agreeing with a partner to engage in **** play - a SIMULATED **** - whatever else is going on, you are for all intents in purposes engaging in what is a SCRIPTED theatrical event. Admittedly, one that is hopefully done well enough that you can (at some level) suspend your disbelief long enough to engage your fantasy.
If one would somehow lose oneself in the experience to the point that you would go "off script" and it would suddenly no longer be a "theatrical event"... it would quickly become an actual ****. Though at this point the thought going through your head would be, "oh, and now I would use my 'safe word' and everything is going to be ok"... right?
...except by the point that you realize that you are off script and are no longer comfortable, you are already being ****d.
...and by the time they recognize that you used the safe word and process that it actually was the safe word... (and give you a couple more thrusts/punches/lashes to give you time to make sure that they heard you right and that you weren't just playing around...) they are probably toying with the idea of "finishing"... they are really close to coming, and they know you like pushing your limits - you will probably thank them for it later...
(all of that of course assumes that they didn't start off their **** play by putting a gag in your mouth, or shoving a cock or dildo down your throat...)
...so much for that **** "fantasy"... this is now a **** reality.
In my opinion, the only safe words you should ever need are "NO" and "STOP".
We have been training men that "NO MEANS NO" for quite some time now with very poor results. I think a big part of why that is is because despite the fact that this should be a very cut and dry statement, the fact remains that people keep coming up with excuses for why "NO" doesn't mean "NO"... and that shit needs to stop.
The reality here is that where "**** play" comes in, you just need to remember that you are following a script, and that it is a script that you write... just write it in ways that don't include the words "NO" or "STOP"... Heck, if you wanted to use "Umbrella" or "Wombat" in place of "No" or "Stop" as safe words... use those words in your **** play in their place!
(...although I am not sure that "UMBRELLA! WOMBAT r****g ME!" wouldn't do anything but end up making you laugh... but **** fantasy isn't really my thing. People that have actually been ****d rarely find that sort of thing very interesting.)
The other places that people suggest that you need a safe word generally comes in the application of pain.
That said, I am of the opinion that relying on safe words during the application of pain is not terribly helpful. I have found that those that use "no" or "stop" when they are being caned/flogged/spanked/etc. who "don't really mean it" tend to be automatically reinforced by that behavior if they have a safe word to rely on. If they say something and don't mean it, they should be held to what they say. In my world if they say stop... I stop and they don't get any more of what they want, and it doesn't take long at all for them to figure out not to say shit unless they actually mean it...
As for relying on a safe word to tell a Top/Dom/Domme/Master/Mistress/Sir/Madam when their bottom/sub/slave/slut/whore has had enough, that is even less reliable. By all means, if they can't take it, aren't into it, or need a different tool or technique they can tell you that bit... but if they have slid down the mountainside into subspace, you can cut their ass off with a chainsaw and they wouldn't be able to tell you what their safe word was, what it was used for... or what planet they were on... So it creates a false sense of security for the "Bigs" to rely on the "littles" to give them audible cues... you need to be able to read your partner(s) and not just keep wailing away at them until your shoulder gives out, you draw blood, or run out of needles/hooks/rope/clamps/binders/orifices/toys.
Personally, I did enough of this to get good at it because I had past partners who needed it. It never really did much for me... on either side of the equation. I do worry however when I see well intentioned people continuing to put out that same old tired saw about "safe words" like it is the gospel truth, when nothing can be further than...
8 years ago