Assumptions Inventory:
While all of the points below would ideally tend to come up in the sorts of frank discussions that should precede sexual contact, I think it is best (if for no one other than myself) to enumerate the general assumptions that I make of myself and others in the realm of romantic and sexual love, if only to ensure that nothing ends up getting glossed over or missed in the ebb and flow of an actual conversation, where tangents can divert us from our course adequately to divert us away from potentially hidden deal-breakers.
There is no such thing as "normal" so it is important to have all one's cards out on the table up front to make sure that no one is hurt due to carelessly leaving assumptions that one thought had been shared, to remain unspoken.
Assumptions that I make about my romantic and sexual partner(s):
1. I assume that my potential partner(s) are either:
A. Polyamorous, not presently married, and comfortable with me being non-hierarchically polyamorous with partners that may be of any sex and/or gender.
If you are polyamorous and pursue a sexual relationship with me, I expect that you will do so, with the intention of remaining faithful to our relationship, and that you will partner with others that will respect our relationship and who will never ask you to choose between any of your (healthy) relationships.
If you would be comfortable picking a partner that you would allow to dictate that you be monogamous, or ask that you choose to exclude me from your life, we won't be having a romantic or sexual expression in our relationship.
Having been in the position of having someone that I was not in a relationship with, make unilateral decisions about my relationships through their influence over my partners, and I refuse to be put in that position again in the future. This is not negotiable.
-OR-
B. Monogamous, not presently married, and entirely comfortable with me being non-hierarchically polyamorous with partners that may be of any sex and/or gender.
Technically, this tends to be referred to as a "Mono/Poly" relationship, where one person chooses to be monogamous, but actively supports their partner being polyamorous.
If you are monogamous and pursue a romantic and sexual relationship with me, I expect that you will remain monogamous and faithful to our relationship and that you will no longer be actively or passively seeking other partners.
If you feel that you would wish to be polyamorous, the time to decide that is at any time before you find yourself in a romantic/physical/emotional relationship with someone else.
I am not a fall back position, and am not the guy you will fuck until "Mr. Right" comes along. I am not someone you should be looking to "trade up" from.
Demand that I choose between you and one or more of my other (healthy) relationships? You just "voted yourself off the Island" - no matter how much I love you.
-AND-
C. Please note above that both options above specify "not presently married". This is because I choose no longer to date married people.
Yes, this includes people that are "technically separated" and "moving toward divorce".
Yes, I understand that you are in a "poly marriage" and have "permission".
Yes, I get that you are a unique snowflake.
No, I will not be making a special case for you. I have done so in the past, and learned my lesson. At best it is a potential artificial hierarchy that is injected into my relationship structure. At worst your shit-show of a marriage is going to drive you absolutely bugfuck crazy, and while I can potentially be your friend... I am not going to stick my dick in the (potentially) crazy (again).
No offense.
I can offer more specifics regarding my rationalle for this choice if one is merely curious about it... but the simple fact is that this choice needs to be respected as hard limit for me, and while you are free to not understand or disagree with it, if you actually respect me, you will respect my choice as well... and if you don't, why would I want to be in a relationship with you again?
Again... that doesn't mean I can't be a true and loving friend... I just won't be comfortable having a romantic or sexual relationship with people who happen to be married.
2. I assume that my partner(s) is/are not disposable or interchangeable, and that I will not be cast aside lightly. Polyamory is distinctly different than a swing/open relationship. My version of polyamory assumes an active lifelong connection that is closer to the idea of marriage than to casual sex. While it does not demand a blood test or to be validated by the government, it needs to be undertaken as seriously as marriage is. If you are afraid of commitment, you don’t need to be messing about with my heart... and if I don’t want you to be in my life in the long term, I won’t be trying to climb up your apple tree.
3. I do not believe any of my partners is “secondary”. If you wish to be anything less than an equal in a relationship, we really kinda need not to have one. My polyamorous relationship model involves treating each partner as entirely unique, with unique needs and with an equal stake in my life. Additionally, I assume that my partner(s) are fully formed human beings that are not needing to be saved, or need a teacher or personal guru to teach them about the world or relationships. It may be that the idea of polyamory is a new thing to you... but I have no interest in twisting anyone’s arm or converting someone - either the relationship model makes sense to a partner or doesn’t, but I am not here to be training wheels.
4. I expect my partners to be honest and forthright about feelings of jealousy. We have not evolved beyond jealousy - no matter how enlightened we believe ourselves to be. Jealousy is not a sickness that we need to surrender to... but it is also not something we need to force ourselves to repress. Take Jealousy for what it is: An expression of our unmet needs. It is a symptom... a warning sign... and just like chest pains or a bone protruding where it shouldn’t, it needs to be taken seriously and not ignored. If one is feeling jealous feelings about a partner, they need to accept that they need more than they are currently getting. Talking about how you feel and being willing to ask for what you actually *want* is the first step to not being miserable... and ignoring it will simply make it fester and will ultimately kill the relationship. It might *seem* like resorting to a “don’t ask don’t tell” paradigm would be the best way to defeat jealousy... it only means that you are throwing in the towel on informed consent and doing the equivalent of shoving turnips into our ears and humming loudly... which works even less effectively than one might think. Honestly, Polyamory is not for everyone, and if your jealousy is not something that you can process... it might not be the model for you. There is no shame in this... and acknowledging that about ourselves before the relationship descends into acrimony is actually the lesser of two evils.
5. I assume that my partner(s) are not looking at sex *merely* as an end unto itself, but also (and possibly, primarily) as a physical expression of an intimacy that transcends the purely physical. There are lots of more attractive options if one merely wants to be fucked, and if someone is interested in pursuing a physical relationship with *me* they need to be attracted to more than my physical body or they are guaranteed to be sorely disappointed.
6. I assume that my partners will be comfortable sharing their sexual history honestly and without "hedging". This is not negotiable. I will not offer negative judgement. Informed consent is not a passive thing, and not something to be left to wishful thinking. While I know that someone can have just tested disease free, and actually be infected with something, but assessing my risks (and the risks that imposes on the remainder of my romantic connections) based on your history of behavior is important to me, so that I have the right to make my choices based on the actual facts... which are actually a better indicator of our risk profile than whether your junk was capable of passing a test last week. On a related note, if one chooses to continue to have a sexual relationship with a partner who cannot be trusted to have sexual transparency, we will likely not be having a sexual relationship.
7. I assume that my partners will be comfortable with standard safer-sex barrier protection protocols, regardless of their sexual history. I *do* have partners with whom I am fluid-bonded. For us, fluid bonding is a negotiated agreement with someone I intimately trust. I will not violate or alter the participants in that trust without universal consent. While it is *potentially* possible to include others in that agreement... one should never simply expect it as an automatic response, without a great deal of conversation with all parties concerned, and with testing all around. (I keep standard and non-latex condoms available, as well as female condoms, saran wrap, and nitrile gloves.)
8. I believe in active, ongoing, positive consent for all sexual activities. No *ALWAYS* means No. If you are the sort that uses No to mean something other than no, we will probably not be a good match. Additionally, anything other than a full-throated YES is also parsed a “No” to me. There are no exceptions to this. Decide *in the middle of having sex* that you are no longer comfortable with moving forward? Sex will stop and we will do something else instead. It is not a burden or obligation... it is simply me being an actual human being and not treating you as something less than human. I do not believe that anyone is ever obligated to be sexual (with me or anyone else) at any time. Sex that is perceived of as an obligation is actually ****.
9. I assume that my partners will clarify any gender/sexuality/plumbing issues, long before any sexual contact takes place. The specifics of one's plumbing is of no concern to me in general terms... but one's willingness to be open, honest, and not deceptive is important to me, because healthy relationships are based on trust. If you cannot be trusted to share something of that nature before I am prone to encountering it, we will not be having a relationship. I will be equally happy sucking your schlong or licking your clitoris, so long as I am not presented with a pointlessly unexpected paradigm-shift along the way.
10. I assume that my partners will be naturally drama-averse: If we find ourselves embroiled in drama occasionally, it is understandable... but if it is something someone actively (or passively) courts drama, if drama is your natural mode, if drama seems generally unavoidable, or if one feels like life is boring without drama, chances are that I will be much more likely to impose distance, than move a relationship away from the Platonic ideal. I understand if you were a [theater/art/music/english] major in school that swimming in the drama sewer might seem like a pretty normal way of interacting with the rest of the world... but for the rest of us, its a pointless pain in the ass. Stop it now.
11. I assume that my partners will never feel the need to fake an orgasm. If something isn't working you can ask me at any time to do something different, or to stop entirely. I will not be offended. I would prefer honest feedback and/or direction, and don't need my ego stroked. I am very motivated to provide pleasure to my partner(s) however, and will hope to know if I could do something different or better to make it a more enjoyable experience... and I will not be offended by honesty.
12. I assume that if a partner is both capable and willing of directing me to what causes them the most pleasure. It should be noted that one of the benefits of having hands at the end of our wrists is that even if one is past the point of being able to actually communicate our needs verbally, hands can be employed fairly effectively to direct a partner’s [head/hands/genitals] in much the same way that an equestrian uses reins to direct an equid. Feel free to use anything short of blunt-force trauma to make sure I am not "missing the point" ...so to speak.
13. I assume that when one begins to approach sensual/sexual stimulation with the intention of assisting my female partners in having an orgasm, the organ of primary sexual stimulation for the majority of women, is the clitoris... rather than the vagina. Mental stimulation is a given, but when it comes to the purely physical locus of pleasure, the clit is it, until/unless I hear differently. I recognize that many women are comfortable with other foci for stimulation however, and if we determine that a given partner enjoys another foci for stimulation, chances are pretty good that they too will be employed in the pursuit of pleasure. Unless another focus is determined concretely however, I am going to be pretty single-mindedly pursuing the clitoris, the more the goal becomes "Orgasmsville".
14. I assume that when one begins to approach sensual/sexual stimulation with the intention of assisting my male partners in having an orgasm, the organ of most powerful sexual stimulation for the majority of men, the penis. I recognize however that despite the fact that most men have more powerful orgasms from prostate massage, not everyone is comfortable with that. A variety of prostate stimulation will be offered - when and where such things are appropriate, often in direct connection to the stimulation of the penis... but none will be actively pursued without active consent.
15. I assume that my partner will enjoy having oral sex performed upon them. I recognize that this is also not a universal given, but unless it is something that a partner is decidedly not comfortable with, it is assumed that they won't mind if I indulge my oral fixation a bit. It does not follow automatically that one need respond in kind.
16. I assume that my partner will wish me to continue offering pleasure until I am told to stop, become more gentle, or change to another form or focus of stimulation. The only limits are interest, human endurance and available time. Some women are multi-orgasmic - many are not. Neither reality is inherently better or worse (or more or less evolved) than the other, but rather than cheat the multi-orgasmic woman out of more pleasure if she can handle it, the onus is on each partner to determine their own limits... which I will respect both happily and universally.
Assumptions that partners can make about me:
1. A partner may assume that I will be faithful to my relationships. This includes but is not limited to being honest about how I feel, communicative of my intentions, and being open to new ideas. I respect the boundaries that my partners and I set up for our own safety and protection, and will never ask any partner to do anything that is knowingly in anything but our mutual and long term best interest. If push comes to shove and things end up uneven, I am more likely than not the one with the smaller share. There are very few problems that cannot be discussed and worked through if people are willing to truly communicate and compromise equally. I will always do my best to meet my partners at least half way, and will always support them in whatever brings them pleasure and that they believe to be in their best interest - even if it isn't necessarily in my best interest.
2. A partner may assume that if we are at the point of having a sexual relationship, I will have already loved them for some time. This will not be a mystery however, as I will not have kept this a secret. You will not need to guess or engage in mind-reading exercises about my feelings, as long before things become potentially sexual it will have been stated overtly and directly. Reciprocity is not required for me to love a new potential partner... but if we are to move beyond a purely theoretical romantic and/or sexual relationship, there will both need to be coming from a place of love... which is different than Lust.
3. A partner may assume that I am a morbidly obese, hirsute male over 50 years of age. Assume that none of this is likely to change, no matter how nice one might believe it to be if it did. If the idea of a sexual relationship with a “fat person” is offensive to you, chances are you are best not wasting your time, no matter how much you might think that your love for me might override that in the abstract. Additionally, if one is willing to bang the fat guy in the short term, in hopes of having a skinny guy to screw later on, that isn’t how human beings tend to age. Quite frankly, I don't wish to be your experiment in “open mindedness.” While size can and does impose some limitations on sexuality... but I have yet to meet someone with whom we could not “find a way” to experience deep physical intimacy... provided that one is adequately motivated.
4. A partner may assume that I am not interested in cohabitation... or marriage... Neither is *required* in a loving relationship, and both may in fact work to actively harm a relationship. Familiarity really does breed contempt... absence really does make the heart grow fonder... and what we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly. These realities tend to make cohabitation and marriage work to ultimately devalue the relationship. Relationships are not supposed to be "easy"... they are to be the result of active and daily choice... not merely the inevitable outcome of momentum and the unavoidable accident that results from the fact that you happen to sleep in the same bed most nights. Better to have less time together and value it more than to have too much time together and feel apathetic... or bored... or worse.
5. A partner may assume that I am comfortable with my current level of as financially solvency. For me, work is a necessary evil. I trade 40 hours of my week for enough money to pay my bills. That is where any interest in a “career” ends for me. If you need the guy with the right “title” or who is going to chase position, power and/or a bigger paycheck - to the possible exclusion of my relationships, you need to look for a different partner. I have *chosen* to give up promotions that would either require more than a 40 hour commitment of my time, would cause more stress, would require travel or possible relocation... even if they add another zero to my paycheck and would make me the top level engineer in the whole organization. If you cannot respect that my relationships with other humans are far more important to me than making more money, go ahead and lose all respect for me now, and save us both some time and heartbreak.
6. A partner may assume that I believe that foreplay can start hours and even days before one comes into contact with a partner's genitals. I am also fairly notorious for continuing non-genital foreplay until I am told/shown pretty unambiguously that they are ready for me to move toward more direct genital stimulation. On a related note, a partner may assume that foreplay for me still counts as sex. I do not need penetrative sex or orgasms for it to count in my mind as a sexual experience... if the intent is intimacy and pleasure, I count it as sex, and encourage my partners to do the same.
7. A partner may assume that I am at least as interested in their pleasure as I am in my own. I consider all sexual activity to be successful when my partner experiences pleasure... not when one or the other necessarily achieves an orgasm. That said, I am fairly strongly driven to provide adequate stimulation where appropriate and wanted, to provide as much pleasure to my partner as they desire, within the limits of their interest and my abilities. It's a tough job, but someone gets to do it... I consider myself lucky, it occasionally gets to be me.
8. A partner may assume that I am not interested in, or capable of breeding. I have had a vasectomy. Do not however fall into the trap of associating this with an ability to avoid barrier protection for disease control. If a partner is looking for c***dren however, one will have to look elsewhere, as my days of procreation are over two decades behind me.
9. A partner may assume that I presently have a statistically average sized penis. It took surgery for that to happen, and in the process there was some loss of sensation, as a fairly large amount of skin was removed in order to retain function. For the most part this is a non-issue, but it bears mentioning up front, as from time to time, it may require minor allowances be made.
10. A partner may assume that I practice safer sex practices universally. Lubricated and non-lubricated latex condoms handy, as well as silicone condoms for those with latex sensitivity, female condoms, and lubricants to reduce the chances of micro-tearing and abrasions. As had been mentioned earlier, I do have partners with whom I do not use barrier protection. We all actively use barrier protection with all of our other partners. We have also agreed to report any barrier protection failures, and share relevant sexual history information with one another about our other partners.
11. A partner may assume that my sexual history is freely available for in depth discussion, prior to any sexual contact. It should be noted that if you are uninterested in at least the last two years of my sexual history, it is assumed that you are not a safe sex partner, because you are actively evading informed consent... which I will assume to be your standard operating procedure. (Being unconcerned about consent would make it functionally impossible for us to be sexual partners.)
12. A female partner may assume that catamenia is not a particular issue for me. Partners that enjoy sex during their periods don't need to write off several days a month as “no-sex” days on my account. I not only have my "Red Wings" I have my "Red Ascot" and my bed usually has maroon sheets... just in case. If a partner is not ok with sex during their period, that is fine as well... This is by no means a fetish by any means - it merely reflects a healthy attitude toward menstruation, and a lack of willingness to erect arbitrary barriers to physical intimacy. Normal bodily functions are normal... and schedules often fight us.
13. A partner may assume that I am open to most things... provided that a partner derives pleasure from them, and they are not permanently harmful or hurtful to others. My own desires might seem pretty vanilla, except for the level of emotional connection is involved... which can make it *seem* more like edge-play than many people are comfortable with. Hard limits for me would include s**t, blood, offensive weapons, the dead, a****ls, minors, insestuous/ageplay fantasies, **** fantasies and/or dishonesty. Most of the rest (when pursued in healthy ways) will remain on the table, provided that they are of interest to my partner. No judgement on hard limits of others... and no need to “be kinky” to keep me interested.
14. A partner may assume that with an existing partner I am pretty much interested in a sexual expression with my partner at any time they have an interest. I cannot remember ever turning down a partner for sex for any reason other than time constraints, and then, only because it seems to me to be better not to start a process that has a goal that is a minimum of 30 minutes away, if one only has fifteen... better to think of it as long term foreplay, and begin your fifteen minutes with the idea that it is merely a foretaste of the feast to come as the ultimate goal.
15. A partner may assume that I am generally more likely to have an orgasm from performing oral sex on a partner than from receiving it. There are lots of reasons behind this fact. Half boil down to the fact that based on my personal history, I can find it fairly difficult at times to accept that a penis in the mouth is entirely consensual, unless my mouth is the one giving consent. On the other side of the coin, I actually enjoy being orally sexual with my partners, and derive intense pleasure from performing this service to someone I love. Orgasms while performing oral are pretty much a given for me...
16. A partner may assume that I am both multi-orgasmic and capable of regular retrograde orgasms. In the case of the former, because past partners have stopped being sexual at the occasion of a first male orgasm I have (unfortunately?) learned to avoid making a big deal about the small initial orgasms as they build up to the larger ones. There comes a point at which they come close enough together to be nearly continuous anyway. In the case of the latter, merely note that there may or may not be external signs of an orgasm. If a partner's desire to continue ends before I have an obvious orgasm, it doesn't necessarily follow that I have not had an orgasm just because I didn’t blow my load on your chest (etc). Chances are very good that I have actually had several. I may have been building to a point that has not been reached yet, but that doesn't manifest as disappointment for me.
17. A partner may assume that sexual reciprocity over the long term is expected as a goal. It is not a tit-for-tat situation and scores will not be kept, but the desire to provide for my pleasure is not negotiable. Actual and/or concrete reciprocity may not take place on a daily or weekly basis, but there should be an intrinsic desire to have an equal relationship... knowing that it can never be completely identical.
____
NOTE: This list (again) is by no means a substitute for in-depth discussion on the subjects that it touches upon, it is merely a way to organize my own thoughts more concretely, to perhaps function as a lightning rod to spark healthy conversations, and to help assure that I have not left my assumptions unspoken because they slipped my mind.
There is no such thing as "normal" so it is important to have all one's cards out on the table up front to make sure that no one is hurt due to carelessly leaving assumptions that one thought had been shared, to remain unspoken.
Assumptions that I make about my romantic and sexual partner(s):
1. I assume that my potential partner(s) are either:
A. Polyamorous, not presently married, and comfortable with me being non-hierarchically polyamorous with partners that may be of any sex and/or gender.
If you are polyamorous and pursue a sexual relationship with me, I expect that you will do so, with the intention of remaining faithful to our relationship, and that you will partner with others that will respect our relationship and who will never ask you to choose between any of your (healthy) relationships.
If you would be comfortable picking a partner that you would allow to dictate that you be monogamous, or ask that you choose to exclude me from your life, we won't be having a romantic or sexual expression in our relationship.
Having been in the position of having someone that I was not in a relationship with, make unilateral decisions about my relationships through their influence over my partners, and I refuse to be put in that position again in the future. This is not negotiable.
-OR-
B. Monogamous, not presently married, and entirely comfortable with me being non-hierarchically polyamorous with partners that may be of any sex and/or gender.
Technically, this tends to be referred to as a "Mono/Poly" relationship, where one person chooses to be monogamous, but actively supports their partner being polyamorous.
If you are monogamous and pursue a romantic and sexual relationship with me, I expect that you will remain monogamous and faithful to our relationship and that you will no longer be actively or passively seeking other partners.
If you feel that you would wish to be polyamorous, the time to decide that is at any time before you find yourself in a romantic/physical/emotional relationship with someone else.
I am not a fall back position, and am not the guy you will fuck until "Mr. Right" comes along. I am not someone you should be looking to "trade up" from.
Demand that I choose between you and one or more of my other (healthy) relationships? You just "voted yourself off the Island" - no matter how much I love you.
-AND-
C. Please note above that both options above specify "not presently married". This is because I choose no longer to date married people.
Yes, this includes people that are "technically separated" and "moving toward divorce".
Yes, I understand that you are in a "poly marriage" and have "permission".
Yes, I get that you are a unique snowflake.
No, I will not be making a special case for you. I have done so in the past, and learned my lesson. At best it is a potential artificial hierarchy that is injected into my relationship structure. At worst your shit-show of a marriage is going to drive you absolutely bugfuck crazy, and while I can potentially be your friend... I am not going to stick my dick in the (potentially) crazy (again).
No offense.
I can offer more specifics regarding my rationalle for this choice if one is merely curious about it... but the simple fact is that this choice needs to be respected as hard limit for me, and while you are free to not understand or disagree with it, if you actually respect me, you will respect my choice as well... and if you don't, why would I want to be in a relationship with you again?
Again... that doesn't mean I can't be a true and loving friend... I just won't be comfortable having a romantic or sexual relationship with people who happen to be married.
2. I assume that my partner(s) is/are not disposable or interchangeable, and that I will not be cast aside lightly. Polyamory is distinctly different than a swing/open relationship. My version of polyamory assumes an active lifelong connection that is closer to the idea of marriage than to casual sex. While it does not demand a blood test or to be validated by the government, it needs to be undertaken as seriously as marriage is. If you are afraid of commitment, you don’t need to be messing about with my heart... and if I don’t want you to be in my life in the long term, I won’t be trying to climb up your apple tree.
3. I do not believe any of my partners is “secondary”. If you wish to be anything less than an equal in a relationship, we really kinda need not to have one. My polyamorous relationship model involves treating each partner as entirely unique, with unique needs and with an equal stake in my life. Additionally, I assume that my partner(s) are fully formed human beings that are not needing to be saved, or need a teacher or personal guru to teach them about the world or relationships. It may be that the idea of polyamory is a new thing to you... but I have no interest in twisting anyone’s arm or converting someone - either the relationship model makes sense to a partner or doesn’t, but I am not here to be training wheels.
4. I expect my partners to be honest and forthright about feelings of jealousy. We have not evolved beyond jealousy - no matter how enlightened we believe ourselves to be. Jealousy is not a sickness that we need to surrender to... but it is also not something we need to force ourselves to repress. Take Jealousy for what it is: An expression of our unmet needs. It is a symptom... a warning sign... and just like chest pains or a bone protruding where it shouldn’t, it needs to be taken seriously and not ignored. If one is feeling jealous feelings about a partner, they need to accept that they need more than they are currently getting. Talking about how you feel and being willing to ask for what you actually *want* is the first step to not being miserable... and ignoring it will simply make it fester and will ultimately kill the relationship. It might *seem* like resorting to a “don’t ask don’t tell” paradigm would be the best way to defeat jealousy... it only means that you are throwing in the towel on informed consent and doing the equivalent of shoving turnips into our ears and humming loudly... which works even less effectively than one might think. Honestly, Polyamory is not for everyone, and if your jealousy is not something that you can process... it might not be the model for you. There is no shame in this... and acknowledging that about ourselves before the relationship descends into acrimony is actually the lesser of two evils.
5. I assume that my partner(s) are not looking at sex *merely* as an end unto itself, but also (and possibly, primarily) as a physical expression of an intimacy that transcends the purely physical. There are lots of more attractive options if one merely wants to be fucked, and if someone is interested in pursuing a physical relationship with *me* they need to be attracted to more than my physical body or they are guaranteed to be sorely disappointed.
6. I assume that my partners will be comfortable sharing their sexual history honestly and without "hedging". This is not negotiable. I will not offer negative judgement. Informed consent is not a passive thing, and not something to be left to wishful thinking. While I know that someone can have just tested disease free, and actually be infected with something, but assessing my risks (and the risks that imposes on the remainder of my romantic connections) based on your history of behavior is important to me, so that I have the right to make my choices based on the actual facts... which are actually a better indicator of our risk profile than whether your junk was capable of passing a test last week. On a related note, if one chooses to continue to have a sexual relationship with a partner who cannot be trusted to have sexual transparency, we will likely not be having a sexual relationship.
7. I assume that my partners will be comfortable with standard safer-sex barrier protection protocols, regardless of their sexual history. I *do* have partners with whom I am fluid-bonded. For us, fluid bonding is a negotiated agreement with someone I intimately trust. I will not violate or alter the participants in that trust without universal consent. While it is *potentially* possible to include others in that agreement... one should never simply expect it as an automatic response, without a great deal of conversation with all parties concerned, and with testing all around. (I keep standard and non-latex condoms available, as well as female condoms, saran wrap, and nitrile gloves.)
8. I believe in active, ongoing, positive consent for all sexual activities. No *ALWAYS* means No. If you are the sort that uses No to mean something other than no, we will probably not be a good match. Additionally, anything other than a full-throated YES is also parsed a “No” to me. There are no exceptions to this. Decide *in the middle of having sex* that you are no longer comfortable with moving forward? Sex will stop and we will do something else instead. It is not a burden or obligation... it is simply me being an actual human being and not treating you as something less than human. I do not believe that anyone is ever obligated to be sexual (with me or anyone else) at any time. Sex that is perceived of as an obligation is actually ****.
9. I assume that my partners will clarify any gender/sexuality/plumbing issues, long before any sexual contact takes place. The specifics of one's plumbing is of no concern to me in general terms... but one's willingness to be open, honest, and not deceptive is important to me, because healthy relationships are based on trust. If you cannot be trusted to share something of that nature before I am prone to encountering it, we will not be having a relationship. I will be equally happy sucking your schlong or licking your clitoris, so long as I am not presented with a pointlessly unexpected paradigm-shift along the way.
10. I assume that my partners will be naturally drama-averse: If we find ourselves embroiled in drama occasionally, it is understandable... but if it is something someone actively (or passively) courts drama, if drama is your natural mode, if drama seems generally unavoidable, or if one feels like life is boring without drama, chances are that I will be much more likely to impose distance, than move a relationship away from the Platonic ideal. I understand if you were a [theater/art/music/english] major in school that swimming in the drama sewer might seem like a pretty normal way of interacting with the rest of the world... but for the rest of us, its a pointless pain in the ass. Stop it now.
11. I assume that my partners will never feel the need to fake an orgasm. If something isn't working you can ask me at any time to do something different, or to stop entirely. I will not be offended. I would prefer honest feedback and/or direction, and don't need my ego stroked. I am very motivated to provide pleasure to my partner(s) however, and will hope to know if I could do something different or better to make it a more enjoyable experience... and I will not be offended by honesty.
12. I assume that if a partner is both capable and willing of directing me to what causes them the most pleasure. It should be noted that one of the benefits of having hands at the end of our wrists is that even if one is past the point of being able to actually communicate our needs verbally, hands can be employed fairly effectively to direct a partner’s [head/hands/genitals] in much the same way that an equestrian uses reins to direct an equid. Feel free to use anything short of blunt-force trauma to make sure I am not "missing the point" ...so to speak.
13. I assume that when one begins to approach sensual/sexual stimulation with the intention of assisting my female partners in having an orgasm, the organ of primary sexual stimulation for the majority of women, is the clitoris... rather than the vagina. Mental stimulation is a given, but when it comes to the purely physical locus of pleasure, the clit is it, until/unless I hear differently. I recognize that many women are comfortable with other foci for stimulation however, and if we determine that a given partner enjoys another foci for stimulation, chances are pretty good that they too will be employed in the pursuit of pleasure. Unless another focus is determined concretely however, I am going to be pretty single-mindedly pursuing the clitoris, the more the goal becomes "Orgasmsville".
14. I assume that when one begins to approach sensual/sexual stimulation with the intention of assisting my male partners in having an orgasm, the organ of most powerful sexual stimulation for the majority of men, the penis. I recognize however that despite the fact that most men have more powerful orgasms from prostate massage, not everyone is comfortable with that. A variety of prostate stimulation will be offered - when and where such things are appropriate, often in direct connection to the stimulation of the penis... but none will be actively pursued without active consent.
15. I assume that my partner will enjoy having oral sex performed upon them. I recognize that this is also not a universal given, but unless it is something that a partner is decidedly not comfortable with, it is assumed that they won't mind if I indulge my oral fixation a bit. It does not follow automatically that one need respond in kind.
16. I assume that my partner will wish me to continue offering pleasure until I am told to stop, become more gentle, or change to another form or focus of stimulation. The only limits are interest, human endurance and available time. Some women are multi-orgasmic - many are not. Neither reality is inherently better or worse (or more or less evolved) than the other, but rather than cheat the multi-orgasmic woman out of more pleasure if she can handle it, the onus is on each partner to determine their own limits... which I will respect both happily and universally.
Assumptions that partners can make about me:
1. A partner may assume that I will be faithful to my relationships. This includes but is not limited to being honest about how I feel, communicative of my intentions, and being open to new ideas. I respect the boundaries that my partners and I set up for our own safety and protection, and will never ask any partner to do anything that is knowingly in anything but our mutual and long term best interest. If push comes to shove and things end up uneven, I am more likely than not the one with the smaller share. There are very few problems that cannot be discussed and worked through if people are willing to truly communicate and compromise equally. I will always do my best to meet my partners at least half way, and will always support them in whatever brings them pleasure and that they believe to be in their best interest - even if it isn't necessarily in my best interest.
2. A partner may assume that if we are at the point of having a sexual relationship, I will have already loved them for some time. This will not be a mystery however, as I will not have kept this a secret. You will not need to guess or engage in mind-reading exercises about my feelings, as long before things become potentially sexual it will have been stated overtly and directly. Reciprocity is not required for me to love a new potential partner... but if we are to move beyond a purely theoretical romantic and/or sexual relationship, there will both need to be coming from a place of love... which is different than Lust.
3. A partner may assume that I am a morbidly obese, hirsute male over 50 years of age. Assume that none of this is likely to change, no matter how nice one might believe it to be if it did. If the idea of a sexual relationship with a “fat person” is offensive to you, chances are you are best not wasting your time, no matter how much you might think that your love for me might override that in the abstract. Additionally, if one is willing to bang the fat guy in the short term, in hopes of having a skinny guy to screw later on, that isn’t how human beings tend to age. Quite frankly, I don't wish to be your experiment in “open mindedness.” While size can and does impose some limitations on sexuality... but I have yet to meet someone with whom we could not “find a way” to experience deep physical intimacy... provided that one is adequately motivated.
4. A partner may assume that I am not interested in cohabitation... or marriage... Neither is *required* in a loving relationship, and both may in fact work to actively harm a relationship. Familiarity really does breed contempt... absence really does make the heart grow fonder... and what we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly. These realities tend to make cohabitation and marriage work to ultimately devalue the relationship. Relationships are not supposed to be "easy"... they are to be the result of active and daily choice... not merely the inevitable outcome of momentum and the unavoidable accident that results from the fact that you happen to sleep in the same bed most nights. Better to have less time together and value it more than to have too much time together and feel apathetic... or bored... or worse.
5. A partner may assume that I am comfortable with my current level of as financially solvency. For me, work is a necessary evil. I trade 40 hours of my week for enough money to pay my bills. That is where any interest in a “career” ends for me. If you need the guy with the right “title” or who is going to chase position, power and/or a bigger paycheck - to the possible exclusion of my relationships, you need to look for a different partner. I have *chosen* to give up promotions that would either require more than a 40 hour commitment of my time, would cause more stress, would require travel or possible relocation... even if they add another zero to my paycheck and would make me the top level engineer in the whole organization. If you cannot respect that my relationships with other humans are far more important to me than making more money, go ahead and lose all respect for me now, and save us both some time and heartbreak.
6. A partner may assume that I believe that foreplay can start hours and even days before one comes into contact with a partner's genitals. I am also fairly notorious for continuing non-genital foreplay until I am told/shown pretty unambiguously that they are ready for me to move toward more direct genital stimulation. On a related note, a partner may assume that foreplay for me still counts as sex. I do not need penetrative sex or orgasms for it to count in my mind as a sexual experience... if the intent is intimacy and pleasure, I count it as sex, and encourage my partners to do the same.
7. A partner may assume that I am at least as interested in their pleasure as I am in my own. I consider all sexual activity to be successful when my partner experiences pleasure... not when one or the other necessarily achieves an orgasm. That said, I am fairly strongly driven to provide adequate stimulation where appropriate and wanted, to provide as much pleasure to my partner as they desire, within the limits of their interest and my abilities. It's a tough job, but someone gets to do it... I consider myself lucky, it occasionally gets to be me.
8. A partner may assume that I am not interested in, or capable of breeding. I have had a vasectomy. Do not however fall into the trap of associating this with an ability to avoid barrier protection for disease control. If a partner is looking for c***dren however, one will have to look elsewhere, as my days of procreation are over two decades behind me.
9. A partner may assume that I presently have a statistically average sized penis. It took surgery for that to happen, and in the process there was some loss of sensation, as a fairly large amount of skin was removed in order to retain function. For the most part this is a non-issue, but it bears mentioning up front, as from time to time, it may require minor allowances be made.
10. A partner may assume that I practice safer sex practices universally. Lubricated and non-lubricated latex condoms handy, as well as silicone condoms for those with latex sensitivity, female condoms, and lubricants to reduce the chances of micro-tearing and abrasions. As had been mentioned earlier, I do have partners with whom I do not use barrier protection. We all actively use barrier protection with all of our other partners. We have also agreed to report any barrier protection failures, and share relevant sexual history information with one another about our other partners.
11. A partner may assume that my sexual history is freely available for in depth discussion, prior to any sexual contact. It should be noted that if you are uninterested in at least the last two years of my sexual history, it is assumed that you are not a safe sex partner, because you are actively evading informed consent... which I will assume to be your standard operating procedure. (Being unconcerned about consent would make it functionally impossible for us to be sexual partners.)
12. A female partner may assume that catamenia is not a particular issue for me. Partners that enjoy sex during their periods don't need to write off several days a month as “no-sex” days on my account. I not only have my "Red Wings" I have my "Red Ascot" and my bed usually has maroon sheets... just in case. If a partner is not ok with sex during their period, that is fine as well... This is by no means a fetish by any means - it merely reflects a healthy attitude toward menstruation, and a lack of willingness to erect arbitrary barriers to physical intimacy. Normal bodily functions are normal... and schedules often fight us.
13. A partner may assume that I am open to most things... provided that a partner derives pleasure from them, and they are not permanently harmful or hurtful to others. My own desires might seem pretty vanilla, except for the level of emotional connection is involved... which can make it *seem* more like edge-play than many people are comfortable with. Hard limits for me would include s**t, blood, offensive weapons, the dead, a****ls, minors, insestuous/ageplay fantasies, **** fantasies and/or dishonesty. Most of the rest (when pursued in healthy ways) will remain on the table, provided that they are of interest to my partner. No judgement on hard limits of others... and no need to “be kinky” to keep me interested.
14. A partner may assume that with an existing partner I am pretty much interested in a sexual expression with my partner at any time they have an interest. I cannot remember ever turning down a partner for sex for any reason other than time constraints, and then, only because it seems to me to be better not to start a process that has a goal that is a minimum of 30 minutes away, if one only has fifteen... better to think of it as long term foreplay, and begin your fifteen minutes with the idea that it is merely a foretaste of the feast to come as the ultimate goal.
15. A partner may assume that I am generally more likely to have an orgasm from performing oral sex on a partner than from receiving it. There are lots of reasons behind this fact. Half boil down to the fact that based on my personal history, I can find it fairly difficult at times to accept that a penis in the mouth is entirely consensual, unless my mouth is the one giving consent. On the other side of the coin, I actually enjoy being orally sexual with my partners, and derive intense pleasure from performing this service to someone I love. Orgasms while performing oral are pretty much a given for me...
16. A partner may assume that I am both multi-orgasmic and capable of regular retrograde orgasms. In the case of the former, because past partners have stopped being sexual at the occasion of a first male orgasm I have (unfortunately?) learned to avoid making a big deal about the small initial orgasms as they build up to the larger ones. There comes a point at which they come close enough together to be nearly continuous anyway. In the case of the latter, merely note that there may or may not be external signs of an orgasm. If a partner's desire to continue ends before I have an obvious orgasm, it doesn't necessarily follow that I have not had an orgasm just because I didn’t blow my load on your chest (etc). Chances are very good that I have actually had several. I may have been building to a point that has not been reached yet, but that doesn't manifest as disappointment for me.
17. A partner may assume that sexual reciprocity over the long term is expected as a goal. It is not a tit-for-tat situation and scores will not be kept, but the desire to provide for my pleasure is not negotiable. Actual and/or concrete reciprocity may not take place on a daily or weekly basis, but there should be an intrinsic desire to have an equal relationship... knowing that it can never be completely identical.
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NOTE: This list (again) is by no means a substitute for in-depth discussion on the subjects that it touches upon, it is merely a way to organize my own thoughts more concretely, to perhaps function as a lightning rod to spark healthy conversations, and to help assure that I have not left my assumptions unspoken because they slipped my mind.
8 years ago