My Deep, Deepest Part of my Heart
This all started with a conversation in one of the rooms the other day and has now grown to me to
become quite surprising to my self and actually a bit of a shock.
The conversation was about me trusting someone to do something fairly straight forward and mundane,
To my surprise it also became about how much of myself I was prepared to allow someone else access
to, if you will.
"I know u don't trust me, but I promise for this time lol"
"I do trust you; I don't trust very many people but I trust you".
"You deserve a kiss for what u said".
"That.s ok came from the heart".
"Deep, deep from your heart?
"Yes from the deepest part. I have been shit on by so many people but you have never been anything
but kind and nice to me even when I upset you. You I trust you without reservation".
The conversation changed back to the normal things we chat about in the room but I realised that before
I had sent the last sentence, I had hesitated. At first I put the hesitation down to the wording, that I didn't
want to use bad language in the room. But as time worn on, and especially as I was doing my totally mind
numbing job that night and my thoughts went back to the conversation that day, I realised that the hesitation
wasn't because of the wording, I hesitated because I was scared in away. The reason that I was scared was
actually quite simple when I looked at it objectively.
Over many years, that deepest, deepest part of my heart had been closed off. With out even consciously thinking
about it, I had gone into protection mode. no one but no one got anywhere near that part of my heart except me and
I only went there on a rare occasion. The door was locked, the lights were out, the key was hidden and to all intents
and purposes, no one was home anymore. I had even gone to the extent that I would make the comments to run
myself down before any one else could. Yes it hurt running myself down, but it hurt so much fucking less than when
someone else ran me down. It only hurt the basic everyday heart, not the deep, deepest part. That part was still safe.
I had started using this as a mode of self protection, and thinking back on it now it has been this way for a long,
long time. I also realised that it had been a long, long time since I had visited that part of my heart.
As I mulled the conversation over in my head, I started down the stairs to see how my long lost deep, deepest heart
was doing. When I got there, the door wasn't open, but the lock had been oiled, the key worked easily and the hinges
didn't squeek anymore. The lights were still a bit dim but they were back on. Not all the cobwebs have been swept
away but it would seem that a large majority have. I also noticed that I wasn't alone down there anymore. I could
also sense that someone else have been there recently. All without any concious effort on my part. Someone had
snuck past all my booby traps and defences without me noticing.
The more I thought about it, the more I realised that all my booby traps and defences were only set to repel hurt and
pain. I did realise that there would possibly be any other kind of feeling that would make it down there into the dark.
All my defences failed for the simple reason that they were not were not designed to keep out kindness, niceness and
yes even tenderness. I hadn't been able to combat this either for the simple reason that these were feelings that I was
not used to being around. I was figuratively and literally blindsided!
One person had snuck through. I don't even think they know what they have done. All they have done is behaved
naturally for them.
Now, they are part of an exclusive club with access to that long lost part of my heart. So exclusive that I am the
only other member of the club and I have spent far less time there than that part of my heart deserved.
I protected my heart so well, I almost destroyed the deepest part of it. No more! I will visit that part of me more often
now. It will still be a very exclusive club, but I find that I am willing to have another member in that club for as long as
they want to be there.
become quite surprising to my self and actually a bit of a shock.
The conversation was about me trusting someone to do something fairly straight forward and mundane,
To my surprise it also became about how much of myself I was prepared to allow someone else access
to, if you will.
"I know u don't trust me, but I promise for this time lol"
"I do trust you; I don't trust very many people but I trust you".
"You deserve a kiss for what u said".
"That.s ok came from the heart".
"Deep, deep from your heart?
"Yes from the deepest part. I have been shit on by so many people but you have never been anything
but kind and nice to me even when I upset you. You I trust you without reservation".
The conversation changed back to the normal things we chat about in the room but I realised that before
I had sent the last sentence, I had hesitated. At first I put the hesitation down to the wording, that I didn't
want to use bad language in the room. But as time worn on, and especially as I was doing my totally mind
numbing job that night and my thoughts went back to the conversation that day, I realised that the hesitation
wasn't because of the wording, I hesitated because I was scared in away. The reason that I was scared was
actually quite simple when I looked at it objectively.
Over many years, that deepest, deepest part of my heart had been closed off. With out even consciously thinking
about it, I had gone into protection mode. no one but no one got anywhere near that part of my heart except me and
I only went there on a rare occasion. The door was locked, the lights were out, the key was hidden and to all intents
and purposes, no one was home anymore. I had even gone to the extent that I would make the comments to run
myself down before any one else could. Yes it hurt running myself down, but it hurt so much fucking less than when
someone else ran me down. It only hurt the basic everyday heart, not the deep, deepest part. That part was still safe.
I had started using this as a mode of self protection, and thinking back on it now it has been this way for a long,
long time. I also realised that it had been a long, long time since I had visited that part of my heart.
As I mulled the conversation over in my head, I started down the stairs to see how my long lost deep, deepest heart
was doing. When I got there, the door wasn't open, but the lock had been oiled, the key worked easily and the hinges
didn't squeek anymore. The lights were still a bit dim but they were back on. Not all the cobwebs have been swept
away but it would seem that a large majority have. I also noticed that I wasn't alone down there anymore. I could
also sense that someone else have been there recently. All without any concious effort on my part. Someone had
snuck past all my booby traps and defences without me noticing.
The more I thought about it, the more I realised that all my booby traps and defences were only set to repel hurt and
pain. I did realise that there would possibly be any other kind of feeling that would make it down there into the dark.
All my defences failed for the simple reason that they were not were not designed to keep out kindness, niceness and
yes even tenderness. I hadn't been able to combat this either for the simple reason that these were feelings that I was
not used to being around. I was figuratively and literally blindsided!
One person had snuck through. I don't even think they know what they have done. All they have done is behaved
naturally for them.
Now, they are part of an exclusive club with access to that long lost part of my heart. So exclusive that I am the
only other member of the club and I have spent far less time there than that part of my heart deserved.
I protected my heart so well, I almost destroyed the deepest part of it. No more! I will visit that part of me more often
now. It will still be a very exclusive club, but I find that I am willing to have another member in that club for as long as
they want to be there.
9 years ago