The definition of insanity

Many years ago, a mentor of mine told me that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Of course, this makes a lot of sense...why keep getting in relationships with the same kinda people (ie: bad boys, needy women, etc). My flaw is that I always fall for women who are damaged...abused, neglected, and so on. My true love (see first blog) is not damaged in that way, but I know she is unhappy & trying so hard to make her life work.

Now here's my big question to God and the world as a whole...if you do things differently each time and end up with the same result, what is that? By my friends definition, its not insanity. But when you try over and over and over to make your life better, and no matter what you do, life hands you a shit sandwich, what are you supposed to think? There are times in my day to day life where I just say to myself "what's the point? It doesn't matter what you do, you will fail, and there is no one who cares about you or will help you". And I am not being a drama queen or a whiner...despite the fact that I was always there to rescue my relatives, they abandon me. My sister's favorite saying is "fix up", which basically means "do it yourself, I'm not gunna help you". I feel like my family is just not there...my mom, my s*s: they are so self absorbed that they can't be bothered with me.

So I ask myself over and over...why do you try so hard to help everyone in your life, but they never do the same for you? Maybe I am insane...I try so hard to be a good person, but I feel like no one gives a damn.

Crap...I just read what I wrote and it sounds pitiful. But, screw it , I'm gunna just put it out there and see what you all think. Be well and happy, my friends.

Published by grog7x7

9 years ago

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halinaplays 9 years ago

“We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect.” Anais Nin

halinaplays 9 years ago

It's real bad when your shrink gives you a 'free pass' and tells you that you can do anything. We both thought I was a living dead girl. I sat down and wrote my life story. I saved myself. You can do it too. Remember, people like the guru will stumble into your life. They will offer advice. People do care. This is just the beginning. It's hard to hit blog three. It's hard to hit blog ten. Somewhere around blog 20 you start having more fun than you could ever imagine.

halinaplays 9 years ago

to far. However, no one remembers exact dialogue. You do your best to make it real. It is impossible to remember word for word what was said. That is when I embellish. A blogger does embellish. Do not be afraid to mix fact with a small dose of fiction. I hit a slump so bad I didn't think I would make it.

halinaplays 9 years ago

However, most of his tales are based on funny situations. His stories make me laugh. He embraces his sexual memories. He can take me into an orgy that was before my time. You can tell he has had wild times. Do not be afraid to talk about times when you were a bit wild. Stories like losing your virginity bring back memories. They can be heightened with details to make them more entertaining. Sometimes when I describe a real sex story I'm totally guilty of embellishment. I don't take it t

halinaplays 9 years ago

He gives damn good advice. All three of us know struggle. We are fighters. We share our stories. You will enjoy the guru's blog. He is new to this as well. He has a unique writing style. He wrote a love story so DAMN similar to the one you wrote. In his story you could sense how a haunting loss stayed with him.

halinaplays 9 years ago

Nothing makes me happier than having my friend the guru seek you out. I promise I didn't ask him to give you words of support. Honestly, when you are ready, I will promote you. I wanted you to get a few blogs under your belt before I send people your way. I do have a small network of friends. We do intermingle. The guru comes by his name for good reason.

halinaplays 9 years ago

My dear friend, I was right that people would stumble from my blog to yours. In that way we will be connected. A blog is a battle. It's an inner battle just like your struggle with depression. The battle for a blog is about confidence. It's about trusting yourself. In the end you do meet new people. People who will support you.

guru6969 9 years ago

today is my day to shine thru all the shit. Never put yourself down. There's enough other people out there to do that . Keep fighting life, and you will slowly win a bit more every day.... It takes a long time to get out of a rut like you're in, but if you fight you will win...

guru6969 9 years ago

Now here's something to think about. If you get up ever yday thinking what shit is life going to throw at me to day to beat me further down then that's another day lost. If you get up every day thinking ok life I'm ready for you, what ever comes my way I'm going to try and make the best of it, turn things round to suit me. If you lay down life will roll over you like a steamroller with no mercy. Get those thoughts out of your head try waking up and thinking yes today is going to be better, toda

guru6969 9 years ago

Hallina has found that inner power that helps her get to where she wants to be in life. Some people call her Crazy with all her medical problems. I call her Crazy Lady because we're kindred sprits. But let me tell you something you could travel many a long day in this world to find a more honest decent human being than her. Listen to her and she'll help you more than you could ever imagine. Yeah she'll kick your ass now and then, but only for your own good.

guru6969 9 years ago

Hi. Stumbled on your blog because I'm a friend of halinaplays.
Your blog doesn't sound pitiful. It's just the honest truth about how you feel. Yeah sometimes it feels like life is kicking you in the teeth all the time. Yes there days when we all wonder why the fuck do I bother.
But I will tell you this much, never give up the good fight. Hallina and I we're people who have had to fight all our lives against our lives. Might sound funny fighting against your life, but it's true.

halinaplays 9 years ago

I will warn you I may hit a depression and go missing. I can't run from that part of my life. I recover. I will read each blog you write. Due to depression, it could take me weeks. Please don't think I'm walking away. If I'm depressed my response may seem weak. Don't give up on me. I won't give up on you. I promised my support. I do not break my promises.

halinaplays 9 years ago

giggle. that is only advice a friend on porn site will give you. I know my story about anal destruction by a man I call 'daddy' is going to make my boyfriend squirm and question whether I'm that kinky. He made me squirm when I had to defend God for war, starvation, aids and....children who die. I was able to end our fight because I wrote that story.

halinaplays 9 years ago

The more you blog, you will encounter situations when real life turmoil is fuel for something like erotica. Always use this place to talk about issues that hurt you. At the same time take that pain and try your hand at a good sex story. Turn your sister who seems like she can be a bitch into a fictional character. Make her the villain who thanks she can do no wrong. Then put her in a situation where her car breaks down and she has no choice but to blow a tow truck driver. giggle.

halinaplays 9 years ago

didn't. I was so upset after debating with an atheist who I love. God, has a plan. You read the story I wrote last night. It was about domination and submission. I swear I knocked it out in thirty minutes. I channeled my emotional pain into sexual energy. My heroine felt pain. It was a story about enduring pain, frustration and desperation until release is provided. I needed that story.

halinaplays 9 years ago

You sound honest. A blog is not all roses and sunshine. It is a place to bitch about things that confuse us. And it takes a hell of a long time to get anyone to read a blog. Some of the best things I ever wrote didn't get one comment. On facebook, it was a goddamn miracle if someone hit the like button. Your building a blog for yourself. I warned you that it is natural to hate some things you write. It is easy to quit. No one commented. It hurt. I know you lost faith in me because I d

halinaplays 9 years ago

For some reason we are supposed to eat it. We are supposed to thank God for providing it. The woman you love knows that we must be grateful for things that hurt us. I tried to tell an atheist that I love 'God has a plan.' We may not like it. It's what we need. My family has turned their back on me as well. My mother will trash me to anyone who will listen and then demand me to run her errands. I know how you feel. You don't sound pitiful.

halinaplays 9 years ago

Talking about those memories made it a perfect storm when my boyfriend tried to preach the gospel of atheism. He is a smart man who made statements like 'there is no God because children die of bone cancer.' I don't know if you've been around a child dying of cancer. They will tell you not to be sad because they know they are going to a better place. A lot of them are so young they simply say 'I'm going home.' This does relate to your blog. I don't know why life hands us a shit sandwich.

halinaplays 9 years ago

It was more than phone calls. He pulled off shit like making my printer work when it was unplugged to print me a picture of something that was a private joke we shared. A picture I never scanned. A picture that wasn't in my computer. He sent me a message that he made it to the other realm even after he spent his life denouncing God.

halinaplays 9 years ago

I wanted both men to know my dad was an atheist. He put us through hell. He considered his failures bad luck. He was dying the worst possible death from agent orange. He was convinced his existence ended with his last breath. The funny thing is the motherfucker came back. One day, I will blog about it. Some people will think I'm full of shit....unless they got static tainted phone calls with a dead person saying their name.

halinaplays 9 years ago

helping people who wouldn't do the same for me. I was giving advice without bothering to tell people my heart was aching. I've shared with you how much my faith means to me. My boyfriend is a devout atheist. We hit a theological debate that hurt me deeply. Earlier in the day, I reached out to another atheist. I am pretty sure he ignored my mile long letter.

halinaplays 9 years ago

I had every person close to me have a crises situation in 48 hours. It was like a bad joke. I can sum it up with everyone hit me with 'Lynn, I fucked up bad. What the hell should I do?' I felt like charlie brown with a desk taking quarters for advice. You would actually laugh at some of the problems I tried to solve if I was the kind of girl who couldn't keep a secret. I was shocked how some very smart people stepped in shit on purpose. It relates to your blog because I felt like I was he

halinaplays 9 years ago

Awe my friend, it was not my intention to make you wait so long for me to read your blog. Normally, I would read it as soon as I got a notice it was posted. I hope I wasn't making you wait longer than 48 hours. The past few days have been a blur. In this post you talk about always stopping to help people. I do the same thing.

grog7x7 Publisher 9 years ago

Really...no comments. Just proves my point...no one cares. Be well and happy, cuz I'm not. Just play me the smallest violin in the world and forget me.