Why I am submissive (I think :)

Playing around here, other virtual places, and in rl has given me fodder to reflct on my sexuality. Particularly my attraction to women and my submissive nature. All my life I have been a pretty much normal heterosexual girl in practice but have had hidden desires for other females for as long as I can remember. One pivotal experience in high school brought my sexuality to light and inadvertantly sparked my darker bdsm related desires.

When I was younger (and still now), I considered myself below average in physical attractiveness. I have an ok face. Not completely ugly, but not what one would consider attractive by conventional standards. I'm heavy. Not obese or anything, but heavy. There was a girl in my class, let's call her Ann. She was amazingly beauitful, popular, funny, smart. She had a smile that just made my heart stop. We were actually friends, well not by her choice. See, our parents were close friends so we would hang out at eachoters' houses. At school, she really didn't talk to me much. She was nice, but it was clear we were of two different social classes. I didn't mind this treatment. I was just happy to have her in any way I could. In the halls, she would smile and say hi. I would beam at her with a big smile, say hello, and stare at her as long as I could.

I was in love with her.

She sensed this and when we were alone at home, she would sort of play along with my little crush by smiling sensually at me, holding my hand. I don't know. She just behaved flirtatiously toward me. I was so happy about this and dreamed of our times together.

One evening, we were working on a school project. Afterward we sat next to each other on the sofa and watched a movie. She held my hand and I snuggled in close. I don't know what prompted this, but suddenly we kissed! We made out for what seemed like an eternity, though it was probably something more like five minutes. I was panting and my heart was racing. After we broke the kiss she laughed hysterically and said "omg that was soooo naughty!" We both laughed and hugged. We cuddled up and watched the rest of the movie comfortably without mentioning what just happened.

After that night, things changed between us. While she still greeted me at school, she was much colder towards me. I understood that we couldn't be girlfriends, but I was completely enamoured with her. I would fantasize about her and her friends too. My fantasies always involved the popular pretty girls flirting with me and me scurrying to please them. Always doing what I'm told in the hopes of being rewarded with a kiss or letting me see them nude.

Our time in private really changed too. She started talking about her sex life and dating life with boys more. She started having me do more of the classwork. I changed too. I started fawning over her. Getting her drinks. Offering to do more of her homework. In a way, I was offering to be her slave in return for any kind of affection.

Things really came to a head when we were working on a paper one day and we got into an argument about a mutual friend. It was heated and the incident is a blur, but I remember her saying at one point, "well I'm not a lesbian like you." I was crushed and started crying. She felt terrible and held me tight. I just melted into her. She said, "Aubrey, I'm really sorry, but I'm not into girls, but I need you." I was elated when she said that she needed me, but she went on and it turned out that she needed me for school work. I started crying again. She stood up and said, "look, please dont be upset. I really do like you as a person. I think we can make an arrangement." With that she stood up, unhooked her bra under her blouse and lifted the front up exposing her breasts. The myriad of emotions I felt were overwhelming. I was consumed with lust at the sight of her pert perfect breasts. I was humiliated beyond belief by knowing that she thought of me as some kind of disghusting dyke. I was hurt that she was using me by trading small sexual favors for hours and hours of school work. But most of all.....I was thrilled that she put me in my place. She was superior and I was inferior. She was beautiful and I was plain. She had her place and I had mine. And my place was to obey her in exchange for attention and an occasional kiss. I was so happy.

Without realizing it, I submitted to her that day. She continued to be nice. She was nicer to me at school. But when we were alone, she was in charge. She used my attraction and love for her for her own gain. And I gave it to her willingly.
It was perfect.

Things continued as such for about a year. I served her and did her homework. About once a week, she would let me kiss her, or touch her legs, and once she even let me suckle her breasts. This got wierd for both of us and we kind of drifted apart. I still had not accepted my bisexuality and she, well, she just got tired of it I think.

As I explore my sexuality here on Xhamster and in Second Life, when I explore intimacy with other women, I always drift into a bdsm type encounter/relationship. Submitting to a strong beautiful woman just seems natural to me. I don't feel degraded or bad in any way. In fact, kneeling for a woman is what really makes me happy. Now how do I move this realization from these fantasy worlds to my real life? Well, I'm still working that out :)

xoxox Aubrey