Just getting something off my chest
The person I am saying this out loud for won't ever read it, but I need to release the pressure of being so mad at myself and feeling sad at having, at the least, missed an opportunity to get to know someone that was one of the most special people I have met in my life. She has a profile on here, but I won't say her name because I promised to leave her alone and not message her anymore. I don't even remember exactly how I came across her profile in mid-December, but she was different. Beauty wasn't her only quality. The way she moved, handled herself, dressed, and even made herself up. She had a sense of self and a great style to show to do it. Everything, everything was 100% a knock out of the park. Over 3000 friends and no telling how many followers, but yet not too many folks commenting on pictures and videos. I decided to comment and leave a message on every video, and every photo, and let her know I appreciated her posts.
From posts to her main page, I could see she was gracious to reply to most. When she replied to mine and even replied back again when I made a second comment, I appreciated that. The interaction was nice, and it was a source of smiles.
The back-and-forth continued and we even chatted finally (text) after almost two months - another milestone as she has many suitors chasing after her. She said I was on the "I like you list." the back and forth was polite and fun and my heartbeat through my chest at the mere thought of getting to know her more. So, what did I do???? ***I F&%$ed it up!*** The second I said what I did, she had a quick reply and then needed to "go." It took two weeks before she replied back and said she was upset with what I said.
Just like that. All on me.
I want to let her know how sorry I am, but I know explaining why I said what I said would not matter at this point anyway. I wanted to talk about putting my arms around her and make her feel safe and be her protector, but I leaped out of the conversation and brought it up the wrong way. When she wrote back, she let me know I was not the only one she was vetting to get to know. I knew I was out of the race before I had a chance to get on the track. I had hoped I was different enough in the way I spoke to her that I stood out. I hope now for a second chance, even if all I can do is a comment here or there. She did say I could still leave comments but not to expect more than that from her - those words were crushing.
I let her know I'd leave her alone and not message at all. Oddly, I can still see her replies to my comments in my feed. I smile knowing I caught her attention for a few minutes - I felt like the proudest roster in the barnyard getting her attention and picturing her on my arm on a romantic stroll along the beach after a nice dinner. She sure has my attention (still). Moving on should be easy right? We never actually met, just exchanged "what if's" and reparte` in a stream and in chat. Easier said than done. She is one of a kind and super special.
I didn't get a wink of sleep the night after she finally replied and gave me the boot. I was so upset with myself as it was from the day I made the damn comment, and worse it had taken two weeks for me to know that my instinct from that last chat was right, and I had put my foot in my mouth. Every day while I hoped she reply, I thought of her. Every day I imagined taking her on our first (second, third) date and treating her like the queen she was in my eyes. Everywhere I went in that time, I could see her with me to share a meal, having a moment alone, going on a stroll, or treating her to new clothes and shoes, but I knew something was wrong and I was fooling myself. That made me even more upset with me. I had fallen hard for her, and as I get older, I worry that will never come my way.
Anyway. I am still upset with myself, but this took my mind off of the pain for a few minutes. I hope she finds what she is looking for with the guys lined up to get her attention. I want nothing but the best for her and hope the guy she finds does too, and protects her.
From posts to her main page, I could see she was gracious to reply to most. When she replied to mine and even replied back again when I made a second comment, I appreciated that. The interaction was nice, and it was a source of smiles.
The back-and-forth continued and we even chatted finally (text) after almost two months - another milestone as she has many suitors chasing after her. She said I was on the "I like you list." the back and forth was polite and fun and my heartbeat through my chest at the mere thought of getting to know her more. So, what did I do???? ***I F&%$ed it up!*** The second I said what I did, she had a quick reply and then needed to "go." It took two weeks before she replied back and said she was upset with what I said.
Just like that. All on me.
I want to let her know how sorry I am, but I know explaining why I said what I said would not matter at this point anyway. I wanted to talk about putting my arms around her and make her feel safe and be her protector, but I leaped out of the conversation and brought it up the wrong way. When she wrote back, she let me know I was not the only one she was vetting to get to know. I knew I was out of the race before I had a chance to get on the track. I had hoped I was different enough in the way I spoke to her that I stood out. I hope now for a second chance, even if all I can do is a comment here or there. She did say I could still leave comments but not to expect more than that from her - those words were crushing.
I let her know I'd leave her alone and not message at all. Oddly, I can still see her replies to my comments in my feed. I smile knowing I caught her attention for a few minutes - I felt like the proudest roster in the barnyard getting her attention and picturing her on my arm on a romantic stroll along the beach after a nice dinner. She sure has my attention (still). Moving on should be easy right? We never actually met, just exchanged "what if's" and reparte` in a stream and in chat. Easier said than done. She is one of a kind and super special.
I didn't get a wink of sleep the night after she finally replied and gave me the boot. I was so upset with myself as it was from the day I made the damn comment, and worse it had taken two weeks for me to know that my instinct from that last chat was right, and I had put my foot in my mouth. Every day while I hoped she reply, I thought of her. Every day I imagined taking her on our first (second, third) date and treating her like the queen she was in my eyes. Everywhere I went in that time, I could see her with me to share a meal, having a moment alone, going on a stroll, or treating her to new clothes and shoes, but I knew something was wrong and I was fooling myself. That made me even more upset with me. I had fallen hard for her, and as I get older, I worry that will never come my way.
Anyway. I am still upset with myself, but this took my mind off of the pain for a few minutes. I hope she finds what she is looking for with the guys lined up to get her attention. I want nothing but the best for her and hope the guy she finds does too, and protects her.
27 days ago