Journal 2022.11.20

I don’t know i guess it’s less venting and me either wanting to talk to to someone or just organising my thoughts… who knows…

This is particularly the reason I don’t want to go back here… somehow feel stagnant for lack of a better term. There’s nothing to do. Despite the stress of my Vienna trip I was doing something at least. And all the events of late have been ranging from doll to bizarre. To sad… mostly sad…

I’m the one hand I met one guy and thought it was, well something… till I got ghosted even though I was 100% honest, I got constantly asked if I was with guys but I was with my sister, her husband and what not…. The last time I was with someone was bank in Vienna ans I do miss it like crazy but was determined to hold out. I’m vain apparently.. but ok… The memory wipes will take care of that soon enough I suppose…

But on top of that they’re the boring day to day stuff, added on top an “incident” which really brought me down. Now I live my sisters and family despite our differences…

Some days ago my sister invited me to Micky d’s whilst there I was chatting to the affected guy taking selfies ans what not till I was broken out of my phones spell by a face…

Now “seeing dead people” isn’t that unusual for me. Granted im not talking about like ghosts and shit, it’s something we all do. Where we remember a face a voice and our brains tell us “that’s X” even if we know X is hundreds of miles away or even outright dead and has been for years… like a few days ago I thought I say an old neighbour who I know has been dead for years. And was telling myself “just ignore it it’s not her, that’s impossible”.

So one’s i turned around and was like “is that dad?!?” I did a double take not shore if I was jut imagining things again. Went to my sisters husband and quietly sayed “don’t look or turn, just don’t make it obvious. See the guy behind me? Is that my dad or am I imaging things again?” And he was like “yah that’s him”…

And he just stood thee before sitting down, I strained to see his phone to confirm it but couldn’t make out the phone… which left me thinking what had I done wrong? Granted I know what I do on here and all… But that’s why I choose my user name as I did. Lizz being short for well Elizabeth. Which can be both elegant and casual. And the _ss25 is something one specifically has to look for. The SS part inspired by sniper wolf of all people. And not the other SS. (Obviously) And 25 cuz I have a thing for 5’s…

And now what, I have to get more estrogen, I still have the prong sheets so that shouldn’t be a problem…