The Fantasy I'm Most Ashamed of

I've been putting off writing about this one, because I am really ashamed of it. Even though I'm into some pretty extreme stuff for myself (see my previous blog posts, let's just say there's a lot of non-consensual creampies in my recent years) this one would involve another woman. See, I want a girlfriend who will accompany me on my risky exposure trips and join in with me partially, but one that does not want the non-consensual outcome to happen to her. Let me explain...

Fair warning, I'm going to be talking about non-consensual sex happening. If this bothers you, don't keep reading.

I haven't talked about this much but while I do want the non-consensual outcome and don't regret it later, that doesn't apply during the actual act. When I get caught and it's clear a dick is about to be pushed into my pussy, I get scared. When it starts entering me, I deeply regret what I've done to let this happen and start crying. I hide this from the guy by putting my head on their shoulder, then wrapping my arms and legs around them so they can't pull away and see my face. (Also, I don't want them kissing me. Kissing implies consent.)

I stop crying by the time the guy creampies me, but the regret's still there for a little longer. During that interim I'm pretty vulnerable emotionally, but usually totally ignored. The guy either goes to use the bathroom, then leaves, or they already did that and leave after they creampie me. I understand, I satisfied their need, which is what they think I was there for. Plus I don't really want them trying to comfort me.

That's where a girlfriend comes in. She would hold my hand during the sex and after, then comfort me further once the guy left. By the time I get home I'm fine, I'm happy I had another stranger's load dumped into my pussy. I just need comforting during the act and for maybe a half hour afterward. And that's where it starts becoming problematic.

If she was like me, where I feel regret/fear/sadness during and briefly after the act, I don't think she could comfort me properly. Plus I don't think it's likely I'll find another woman out there that does the things I do anyway. She would need to be normal, terrified of doing the things I do, terrified of what happens to me and terrified of it happening to her. But she'd love me so much she insisted on coming with me every time and joining in enough to not scare any guys off. While I'd be the one sitting on the counter with my legs spread, she'd be standing by me naked and just as vulnerable. Guys would assume she wanted sex too, and she'd have to play along so they didn't realize all of it was non-consensual. It wouldn't happen every time, but it'd happen more than once as I kept going back again and again and she came with me every time.

I'd hold her hand during it and comfort her afterwards, but it would take a bigger toll on her than me. I feel deeply ashamed about wanting this, but every time I'm crying on a stranger's shoulder while he fucks me, I wish she was there holding my hand.

So there you go, I'm not ashamed about having lots of strangers cum in my pussy, but I'm really ashamed about this fantasy. I'm unlikely to ever meet a girlfriend who'd do this, and I'm not actively looking for one either, so hopefully it'll just remain a fantasy.