I Guess That's It
Just discovered that Tumblr has deleted my account. Probably deserved, although I did try to play by the rulesā¦
And xhamster is definitely not what it once was. I've tried a few times to upload... it takes forever and fails pretty much all the time now. It's not really worth adding new stuff anymore. A lot of the best people have already moved on ā I don't know to where, if anywhere, and I don't feel like exploring to find out.
So I guess that's it, huh?
I'm a little sad about it, but maybe it's all a sign that this part of my life is over. I've had periods before where I quit dressing or drifted away for a while and came back, but this feels different.
The Internet as a whole kinda sucks now.
It's funny, for pretty much two decades everything online just seemed to be getting better. Maybe the older gurls remember the fun and frustrating days of the mid-late 90s, when the entire amateur tranny fetish community consisted of a handful of low-res jpegs uploaded over dial-up to sites like Yahoo Groups and Geocities. Bitching about upload speeds now seems strange compared to thatā¦ but on the other hand, it feels like a betrayal of the promise of technology getting better and faster and more convenient all the time.
It was really fun in those primitive days. Exploring took some work, but there were weird and wonderful little discoveries all over. Chatting on IRC. Joining message boards. Deep web searches. Sites would come and go, and of course there was disappointment when your bookmarks took you to an Error 404, or something was redesigned and lost its original appeal. But there was always more. I don't really see more now, and I haven't for some time. Maybe I just lost the dedication to explore?
Thank you to all the gurls and admirers who made me feel less alone, either directly or by example. You really meant something to me, even the ones that I never chatted with or connected with in any way. It was a big deal to realize that there were others who shared my weird little combination of fetishes. You were probably bad influences, lol, but I don't regret it. It was fun and naughty and now it's all in the past.
I probably could have done more. I could have made more of an effort to make deeper connections with other gurls. But I kept a wall between my "real life" and my secret online personaā¦ and I'm not even that good at maintaining most relationships in my real life. I could have done more with that online persona, but time and resources and shame and other things limited it to a minor hobby.
I missed my chance to make any of it real. I was too inhibited and inexperienced. When I finally got to the point where I was more or less ready to have a "real" experience, something always held me back. Probably mostly fear. Of exactly what, I'm not sure. I envy the gurls who are too confident to let fear stop them. I even envy the gurls who are too slutty and desperate to let fear stop them.
I guess I really envy anyone who can have fantasies and not be so sad that they realize those fantasies can't come true. Most people start with big dreams, and more or less end up coming to terms with what they can actually get out of life. Some people do it less painfully than others. Hell, I've heard of people whose lives actually end up better than their dreamsā¦ people who are appreciative and thankful for the experiences that life gives them. What's that like?
You might see me and not know it. You pass a million people in your life and have no clue what is going on inside them. For gurls like us, it's even more hidden. You'd never guess who I was online if you saw me in real life, and vice versa. I suppose that makes it easier in the long run to let go of the fantasy, to cut off the oxygen to the longing and loss. To move on.
If you had a choice of pills to take ā one to make the most of what you've got in real life, and one to become the person to live out your wildest fantasy ā which would it be?
I'd probably regret it either way. I guess my one wish would be to have the thing that allows people to let go of foolish dreams and silly fantasies, to move on and not look back. I've tried it, and I don't seem to have the knack and I donāt seem to get better with practice. So I guess I'll just have deep unseen unfulfilled fantasies and regrets for the rest of my life. Boo hoo. There are so many people so much worse off in so many more real ways.
I guess I have to say goodbye, and say hello and welcome to the rest of my life. It looks a bit grey right now, but maybe I'll get over that in time. Maybe I won't, in which case it's lucky that there's less ahead than behind, right?l
And xhamster is definitely not what it once was. I've tried a few times to upload... it takes forever and fails pretty much all the time now. It's not really worth adding new stuff anymore. A lot of the best people have already moved on ā I don't know to where, if anywhere, and I don't feel like exploring to find out.
So I guess that's it, huh?
I'm a little sad about it, but maybe it's all a sign that this part of my life is over. I've had periods before where I quit dressing or drifted away for a while and came back, but this feels different.
The Internet as a whole kinda sucks now.
It's funny, for pretty much two decades everything online just seemed to be getting better. Maybe the older gurls remember the fun and frustrating days of the mid-late 90s, when the entire amateur tranny fetish community consisted of a handful of low-res jpegs uploaded over dial-up to sites like Yahoo Groups and Geocities. Bitching about upload speeds now seems strange compared to thatā¦ but on the other hand, it feels like a betrayal of the promise of technology getting better and faster and more convenient all the time.
It was really fun in those primitive days. Exploring took some work, but there were weird and wonderful little discoveries all over. Chatting on IRC. Joining message boards. Deep web searches. Sites would come and go, and of course there was disappointment when your bookmarks took you to an Error 404, or something was redesigned and lost its original appeal. But there was always more. I don't really see more now, and I haven't for some time. Maybe I just lost the dedication to explore?
Thank you to all the gurls and admirers who made me feel less alone, either directly or by example. You really meant something to me, even the ones that I never chatted with or connected with in any way. It was a big deal to realize that there were others who shared my weird little combination of fetishes. You were probably bad influences, lol, but I don't regret it. It was fun and naughty and now it's all in the past.
I probably could have done more. I could have made more of an effort to make deeper connections with other gurls. But I kept a wall between my "real life" and my secret online personaā¦ and I'm not even that good at maintaining most relationships in my real life. I could have done more with that online persona, but time and resources and shame and other things limited it to a minor hobby.
I missed my chance to make any of it real. I was too inhibited and inexperienced. When I finally got to the point where I was more or less ready to have a "real" experience, something always held me back. Probably mostly fear. Of exactly what, I'm not sure. I envy the gurls who are too confident to let fear stop them. I even envy the gurls who are too slutty and desperate to let fear stop them.
I guess I really envy anyone who can have fantasies and not be so sad that they realize those fantasies can't come true. Most people start with big dreams, and more or less end up coming to terms with what they can actually get out of life. Some people do it less painfully than others. Hell, I've heard of people whose lives actually end up better than their dreamsā¦ people who are appreciative and thankful for the experiences that life gives them. What's that like?
You might see me and not know it. You pass a million people in your life and have no clue what is going on inside them. For gurls like us, it's even more hidden. You'd never guess who I was online if you saw me in real life, and vice versa. I suppose that makes it easier in the long run to let go of the fantasy, to cut off the oxygen to the longing and loss. To move on.
If you had a choice of pills to take ā one to make the most of what you've got in real life, and one to become the person to live out your wildest fantasy ā which would it be?
I'd probably regret it either way. I guess my one wish would be to have the thing that allows people to let go of foolish dreams and silly fantasies, to move on and not look back. I've tried it, and I don't seem to have the knack and I donāt seem to get better with practice. So I guess I'll just have deep unseen unfulfilled fantasies and regrets for the rest of my life. Boo hoo. There are so many people so much worse off in so many more real ways.
I guess I have to say goodbye, and say hello and welcome to the rest of my life. It looks a bit grey right now, but maybe I'll get over that in time. Maybe I won't, in which case it's lucky that there's less ahead than behind, right?l
2 years ago
